A lot of depressing boy issues, muddy trucks, and Welcome to the Jungle!

January 10, 2005

I would like to start this entry with one of my new favorite pictures:

How cute is my little Charlie? Isn't he just a little pumpkin head? Isn't he just the most precious dog you've ever seen?

I hated leaving him yesterday. He kept following me around when I was putting all my shit in the car, and I had to lean down and say, "I gotta go, Charlie! I love you! I'll see you soon!" And this is what he looked like when I said that:

It almost broke my heart!

See why I need a boyfriend? So that maybe perhaps I won't obsess over my dogs anymore?

Speaking of boyfriends... what does a good old Texas cowboy do after he washes his brand new white pick-up truck? Why, he takes it off roading in the mud, of course!

That would be, of course, Farm Guy's truck. As a fun family activity on Saturday, some of us got in the golf carts and others (like me and Donna) got in Farm Guy's car and had the fun off roading in the mud experience, which included getting stuck in the mud and then Farm Guy getting the tractor to push us out of it.

I have my raging Farm Guy crush under control now, I really do, but it's still totally there. You know what I like the most about him? The way he just.. handles stuff. The way he just takes things under control and gets them done. When something happens and everyone else is all "Oooh, I don't know what to do!", Farm Guy is already miles ahead, getting it done, solving the problem.

He also handled our special fireworks display on Saturday night, and seriously? It was one of the best fireworks shows I've ever seen! He did such a great job and I really enjoyed the crap out of it.

I learned that he and his girlfriend broke up, but that didn't really give me any ideas or anything. Remember way back in the day when I said I was going to give it at least a year before I said anything to him about this crush of mine? Well, it's almost been 6 months! I just have 6 months to go, man!

But Farm Guy was not my main concern this weekend. That belonged to a particular gentlemen named Church Boy.

*sigh*

I know he liked me at some point. I've never met anyone who was so interested in me and the bullshit that I'm into. I've never met someone who was so attentive and so genuinely interested in everything I had to say. That was back in November when I still got to see him every Tuesday night.

I remember the last Tuesday night we met, and when I walked in with Ali-Kat he looked happy to see me and he looked me in the eye and I felt like there was some kind of spark happening between us, and even Ali-Kat said she saw it, too. But then.. I said those fateful words.. "If you ever want to take a break, you should give me a call!" And oh god, that horrified look on his face when I said it. I thought he'd dig that! I thought he would appreciate me trying to get the ball rolling!

WHAT HAPPENED?! Yesterday there was nothing. I have completely lost my mojo with him. When I came into Sunday School, he was like, "Hi, how was your Christmas?" and that was IT! There was no "Did you get that job?" or EVEN "How's the job hunt going?" When our group went out to lunch at some cheeseburger joint, I sat next to him. While we used to agree on like, everything, and have tons of things to talk about.. we just weren't vibing. He didn't think Anchorman was that funny while I laughed my fucking ass off at the movie, he loved Lost in Translation and I didn't get that movie, he feels sorry for Ashlee Simpson while I think she deserves it.

I can accept the fact that when I gave him my number, he just didn't want to call me. But THEN I got that email in response to an email I sent him and the other people in our group about a completely different subject that said he wanted to call but HE'S JUST SO BUSY! But guess what? HE NEVER CALLED! So why did he say he was going to?

ARGHH! Sorry. I know how cheesy it is to obsess over a boy who doesn't call, but, just.. I thought he would. Grawr.

WHERE DID THE MOJO go? I'm just really bummed out about it, man. I'm not giving up. I'm just going to take a few months to get my shit together. I'm going to put all these crushes on the back burner while I have salad for lunch for a few months.

Because really? I've started to think about it A LOT and it's freaking me out that I have so much weight to lose. I know that until I get some of it off me, my confidence will be shot and that won't be attractive at all. Plus.. I can't stand the thought of anyone seeing me naked until I lose a big chunk of this mess. So.. whatever. Salads are good.

I just HATE the fact that we once had this amazing chemistry and I thought for sure something was going to happen with us, and now... nothing. It's a bummer, man.

And then.. there's Matt. I won't waste your time talking too much about him, but the simple fact is that I haven't seen him for a month. We talk online every couple of days, and it's cutesie talk, and every now and then he says he misses me.. there's no indication that he thinks this is over, but how can it not be? There's nothing left here. We've drifted so far apart that like.. there's nothing there, man.

And that doesn't bother me. It's not even apathy anymore, it's acceptance! But the thing is, we haven't communicated the state of the relationship to each other. I don't know where we are. I don't know if we are capable of letting this relationship go without some kind of discussion on the matter, but right now.. I guess this is working for both of us, this whole not ever talking thing.

You know what I mean?

The more I talk about the boys in my life and how NONE OF THEM are responding to me, the more I seem to be depressing myself. So, let's stop talking.

And right now iTunes is playing Bad Girl by Madonna, which is one of my all time favorites ever. Download it now!

Speaking of songs, I am outrageously excited about my new ring tone. I've had this phone for a year now and for some reason just now downloaded "Welcome to the Jungle" for the ring tone. Hello! Axl screaming at me every time my phone rings! Is it sad that I'm excited about that?

And it's also important to note that regarding the novel situation, I thought of a name for the main character. It's a really really good one, too. And from now on, I'm going to refer to the novel as "TNTGTMUAR", aka The One Thats Going to Make Us All Rich. Which seems like a hassel, but you know me. I'm KOOKY!

Rock out with your cocks out. It's Monday morning. I need to find a job and eat a salad.

And here's Alf:

*****
2 years ago..
"Today I gave $5 to a homeless person because he had a sign that said "I'm not wearing any underwear." I thought that was pretty interesting, so I gave him some cash."

3 years..
"So, today is January 10th! This day is important in my life because January 10th, 1993, is when a certain Ali-Kat called me on the phone with a certain blond boy on three-way, of course neglecting to tell me that he was on three way, a favorite trick of hers. And of course, when she asked me what color hair I like on a guy, I said the infamous line "anything but blond." This boy, Mullet Boy, became my first boyfriend, and the certain Ali-Kat became my best friend."