No hiatus, and also, way too much stuff that you never wanted to know.

December 17, 2005

Well, I've decided that since I had such an overwhelming response (all zero of you) to my hiatus, let's just disregard that and pretend I didn't say anything.

Actually, I decided a hiatus was a bad idea because then I wouldn't be able to talk about myself as much anymore, and as we all know, I do love to talk about myself. I originally didn't want to talk about what was going on in my life because, welll....it's kinda slutty. But I feel like I want to talk about it, so this will be known as the Big TMI 2005 entry. Are we all ready?

So, last night Josh and I hung out and I realized the ultimate irony and craptasticness that is my life...the one boy that truly loves me, the one boy who will say "I'm so in love with you!"...is the boy that I will never be able to be with or give him that love back. I can tell that he's changed since I knew him, but that still does not change the fact of what happened when I was 17 years old. That doesn't change how possessive he was, or the terrible words he would say to me, or the terrible lies he would tell me, or the terrible way there was actually physical abuse involved every now and then. Those things will never change, and I will never be able to love him the way he loves me.

I felt bad last night, I really did. I wanted to see him, I wanted to kiss him, and yeah, I did want to have the sex. I don't know why. I can't really explain it. All I can say is...it's kind of poetic to have sex 9 years later with the person who took your virginity. I didn't originally feel bad because we both knew what we were doing, but the way he looked at me and touched my face and wanted to constantly cuddle the entire night...I took advantage of that. I took advantage of it because he's the only person in the world who has ever looked at me like that, and I'm such an attention whore that I get off on that. The only thing is...that's not exactly fair to him, because he has real actual feelings involved.

I mean, I do too, I'm not made of stone. It almost really sucks that he did what he did in the past because maybe if he didn't, we could have something interesting right now. But the past is what it is and there's no possible way that I can betray myself enough to allow myself to feel the same way about him as he does about me. But still, to know that he still loves me, that I left that big an impression on him...yeah. It's powerful stuff.

What else is strange is that I seem to be in the middle of almost dating 2 people at the same time. I haven't met either one of them yet, but they're both calling me and they both want to make plans to see me. I don't even think I want to meet either one of them anymore. I think that until I stop trying to seduce people to make myself feel worthy of affection, I shouldn't fucking be dating anybody. I think we would all agree with that.

That is all I care to say at the moment. I will leave you with something I discovered last night...I think I had an orgasm that I've never experienced before! I always heard about people orgasming during sex, but I didn't know what the hell that was about. But last night, I think I finally know what they mean, and....damn. That's really all I can say about the situation. Damn.

I really need to stop being such a whore. Just so we all know, the body count this year is 4. The body count last year? 0. Heh, awesome. I'm a slut.

A picture of me and Josh from this morning, where I look like total shit because I got just about 2 hours of sleep: