2005 - the year that almost was

December 18, 2005

Well, let's just cover that entry up, what do you say? Woohoo, uncomfortable entries of 2005! Rock on!

Yesterday I realized that Christmas Eve is in one week. I absolutely had no freakin' idea! I mean, I knew it was coming, but I had no idea I only have a few more days to buy all my shit and wrap all my shit. That hurts my brain and I kinda wonder how I could let myself get so wrapped up in my drama that I didn't even really notice it was Christmas already!

In other news, I should totally be at church right now but I'm really not. I'm not going for another 3 weeks, either. When I do go back, it would be like 2 months since I've been. That's not good, but what can I do? I'm just not feeling the love right now. I have...other things on my mind.

Right now I am watching Green Day on MTV. My 16 year old self that hates Green Day more than anything ever is ashamed right now.

Anyway, here's a fun New Years survey that I did last year.! You should all steal it from me.

1.What did you do in 2004 that you'd never done before?
Lots of things...the 2 most significant things were finally got a job that could make me proud of myself, and also went without talking to Matt for, what is it now? 8 months. I've never really "dated" before, and I did that, and I can safely say that I really don't enjoy it all that much.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions and will you make more for next year?
Here were my resolutions for this year: (taken from my paper diary!)
1. Lose weight - My number is still at about 16 pounds, but hey, that's 16 more pounds than I lost last year!
2. Get a new job, one where I'm NOT working for my dad - Obviously. I love love love my job. I'm even going to work some overtime today. On a Sunday!
3.Have some kind of romantic situation - I think I accomplished this, although "romance" is hardly the word for any of my boys this year. I "dated" Mike, Eric, and Matt Two. I did, uh, stuff with Matt and Josh. That's a lot of boys to keep track of, people. I'm so glad I'm leaving this year behind and won't be allowed to say "I haven't dated since I was 17!" anymore.
4. Really get involved in the novel - Well, that's really the only resolution I didn't stick to. I didn't even make it out of Nano alive. Hey, there's always next year.
5. Make some good friends - I think I did this. There's J at work, there's Ali-Kat, there's Jenny, there's once again Josh, who I talked to for hours last night and we came to a conclusion that yes, he loves me, but not in the way he originally thought, and he really wants to be friends. Um, extra special friends. I think I did well with this resolution, although I could have totally done better.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Nope.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Not this year.

5. What countries did you visit? No countries, but I met my hot cousin from England, that counts, right?

6. What would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2005?
Better confidence and self control. - That's my answer from last year and that is still my answer. For 2006, I want to be able to believe in myself and not find my self worth in boys and certainly not in sex.

7. What date from 2005 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
There was that couple of days in January where everything changed...I had a closure talk with Matt, later that night Mike and I had the crazy sex, and the next day I found out I got my job. Those couple of days were totally overwhelming but they really did change everything.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Getting the job and learning about how good it feels to be beneficial on a daily basis. Yeah, there's a little ego there, but I feel like I deserve it!

9. What was your biggest failure?
The boy situation. It was just not pretty this year, and I brought most of it on myself because I was so fucking needy all the time. This will change in 2006, it has to or I'll drive everyone crazy.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
As far as illness, I didn't even really get sick this year for some reason. Injury...I scraped the shit out of my arms, which now have strange scars, when I locked myself out of my dad's house and had to climb over the fence minutes before the shuttle came to take me to the airport to go to Vegas. I also got bit by a dog, which totally sucked. Other than that, it's been a relatively illness and injury free year.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
I'd have to say my DVR. It pauses live TV! IT'S A MIRACLE! And I didn't by it myself (thank you, daddy!), but my car. Oh, my pretty pretty car!

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
Certainly not mine, as although I made great strides in some areas, in others I kinda took a huge step back. I'm going to say Ali-Kat for this one, because she's just rocking that ass.

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
Well, Matt's. Actually, both Matts. Matt One because, even after 8 months of knowing the situation, I still can't wrap my mind around what happened. After 7 and a half years of talking almost everyday, all he has to say is "My girlfriend doesn't want me to talk to you anymore," and that was it. THAT WAS IT! What the hell? Is he really that much of asshole? And what does it say about me that I stayed with him for so long?

Matt Two is just weird. I got so excited to meet someone like him, and then he has some kind of identity crisis, and then he moves to Phoenix, and then he says he didn't move to Phoenix, and oh my god, whatever! This just sucked because I got caught up in the excitement and it ended up screwing me over once again.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Freebirds, for one. A lot of it went into bills, and a lot more went into the procurement of more stuff. I like stuff.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
The prospect that I would fall in love, my job, my new car, going to Vegas, stuff.

16. What song will always remind you of 2004?
"There is no Arizona," for one. "Best of You" by the Foo Fighters, definitely.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. happier or sadder? happier
ii. thinner or fatter? Thinner! thank god!
iii. richer or poorer? Richer, although I make more money than I ever have yet I always end up being as broke as I was when I worked for my dad.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Exercised self control.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Seduced people just to know that I could. It was cool at first but when I realized what I was really doing, it's just not good or beneficial for anyone.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
With my dad and other assorted relatives.

21. Did you fall in love?
I don't think I did, and if I thought I did, it was superficial. I fell in lust, that's for sure.

23. How many one-night stands?
I think Mike counts as a one night stand, since it was only once, but that was definitely not my intention at the time.

24. What was your favourite TV program?
CSI, the Biggest Loser, Friends...I got REALLY caught up in the Amazing Race, too. Not the stupid family edition, but we did all 7 seasons at work and I just got completely sucked in.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I certainly dislike people more, but I don't hate them.

26. What was the best book you read?
Nothing is coming to mind, isn't that sad?

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Kelly Clarkson! Man, I love that bitch. I also am growing a love for the Foo Fighters.

28. What did you want and get?
A job, some boy action.

29. What did you want and not get?
A FUCKING BOYFRIEND! Urmm, I mean.. yeah. - Again, my answer last year. You know, technically I haven't had an official "boyfriend" since 2001. Yes. Really.

30. What was your favourite film of this year?
Crash, bitches.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I was 26, and I worked and had dinner with my mom, dad, and future stepmom. It was a lovely day and I felt loved.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably satisfying?
I don't know, actually. My default answer would be "having a boyfriend!" but I'm starting to figure out that that isn't something that is going to particularly satisfy me in the way that I want it to.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2005?
I rediscovered the importance of cleavage! Also, after losing weight, I'm able to shop at the Gap again and thus can buy pretty clothing.

34. What kept you sane?
My mom, 1000% my mom.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Phil Keoghan, host of the Amazing Race. Seriously! I can't think of anyone else at this moment.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
The continued domination of censorship and the crap that it entails.

37. Who did you miss?
I did miss Matt. I missed Matt Two a whole lot, but not so much anymore. I missed Ryan just because, and I found him again (even though he's totally disappeared off the planet once again) at a time that I really needed him. I love that about him.

There was even a time in July when I was missing Josh because I had a couple of dreams about him. That was weird, because before that, I still had such angst for him. The fact that I have very warm feelings for him at this moment is completely weird and I'm still trying to deal with the whole thing.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
J, totally. He's my gay soulmate! His birthday is the day before mine, we both have the same favorite scene in My So Called Life, and the list goes on. Yay J!

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005:
Finding self worth in another person is going to get you nowhere and will in fact fuck your shit up.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
"Is someone getting the best of you?"
and
"you had your chance, you blew it
out of sight, out of mind
shut your mouth, I just can't take it
again and again and again!"

I heart you, Kelly!

Man, that took me approximately 50 minutes to fill out! Geebus.

I'm gonna go to work now.