I hate boys.

August 29, 2005

You'd think I'd be used to this by now...the stinging pain of being rejected by someone I thought I had a long future with. After all, it's happend about a thousand times this year.

But I'm not used to it. It still hurts.

4 months ago, I sat in this same chair and cried the same tears that I am trying to keep from crying today. 4 months ago it was because of the first Matt. 4 months ago it was because the man I loved for almost 8 years informed me that his girlfriend won't allow him to talk to me.

Matt Two has kinda had some shitty luck lately with lots of things, and it's dragged him down so much that he has completely shut down. I didn't hear from him at all this weekend, and today I get an email along the lines of, "I'm sorry, but I don't think I can be with anyone right now."

My grandma kinda gave me the smackdown yesterday when I was whining about him. I said, "But I really liked him!" And she said, "But you really liked all of them!" And that is very true. But this Matt was different. We started out of the gate so extremely wonderfully and for the first 2 weeks everything was so great that I thought it might be too good to be true. And, I guess it was, and that really fucking makes me mad.

This Matt was special. We connected at a level I haven't experienced, like, ever before. I know I sound like I might be exagerrating, but we had it all going at the same time - the physical, the emotional, the connection, the everything. And now I can't have that. Now I have to resign myself to knowing that there is someone out there who I really did connect with, and I can't have him because he doesn't know how to deal with his problems except by being alone and thinking about them to death.

He didn't really entirely close the door, using words like "at least right now" and stuff like that. I know that's not supposed to give me hope, I've heard that one before, but I know that every time I check my email I'll be hoping there's another letter from him.

I'll deal with this one just like I've dealt with all the others this year, but with the demise of this particular Matt, I have to wonder if I'm really seriously doing something wrong. Instead of thinking that I don't have to change because there's someone out there who will appreciate everything I am, maybe I have to deal with the fact that I do need to change. I have to let go of this romantic ideal I have that someone is going to appreciate the fact that I don't play games, that I'm straight-forward, that there's practically nothing mysterious about me. Maybe I do have to play hard to get, maybe I do have to be mysterious.

My grandmother told me that it would be better for me to find someone who loves me more than I love them, but I refuse to believe that I have to settle for something like that. I do believe there's someone out there that will fall in love with me as hard as fall in love with them. I just don't know if I'm ever going to find that person, and that depresses me like you wouldn't believe.

Okay, I'm going to stop being a drama queen now...I'm actually writing this at work, which is stupid, but I have to get it out of me somehow.

I hate boys.