Excuse me while I drool all over myself

August 11, 2005

So, I was reading some random journal here on D-land, and they said something about football season starting soon. And I had a revelation. Oh my god! I had NO IDEA football season was starting! I was totally blisfully unaware that football season has arrived!

And the reason why is because there hasn't been someone in my life to constantly tell me about football season on a daily basis. High school football is the reason why Matt One is alive today. I don't know why it is so god damned important to him, but it is, and he even kinda makes a living out of it, so to each his own. But man, I will never have to go to a fucking high school football game ever again, and am I thankful for that.

I guess I can't really get across to you guys the relief of that. Because, not only is it high school football, but it's the feeling that every fight was my fault, that everything I do is not good enough for him, that maybe we could have more but it's my fault that we can't. The feeling of, why doesn't he ever come to my place? Why doesn't he write me random emails anymore? Why doesn't he ever tell me he loves me? Why can't he just fucking committ to me, damnit? What am I doing wrong?

To not have to worry about that shit anymore is such a fucking relief, I can't even tell you. Even at this time last year I was still going to football games with the guy because I STILL hadn't admitted to myself that it was over.

I hope the new girlfriend knows what she's in for. But, if she's anything like me, she'll put up with it because it's something he likes, and she wants to make him happy.

The good news? There is someone in my life that is making me so fucking blissfully happy that sometimes I can't even find the words to properly describe the feeling. Matt Two is just...incredible. I didn't know there were boys out there that exist like him. I feel so very lucky to have him in my life right now. And you know what? I feel sorry for every single one of you, even if you have someone like him in your life, because you do not have him.

I know that sounds dramatic, but damn, it's true. In the past 10 or 11 days, we've sent over 75 emails to each other. We've seen each other 3 times. This is so much more than the infamous Vibes that I'm always talking about, this is SOMETHING. This is what I've been looking for FOREVER.

And, okay, yes. I do get a little nervous when I say something like that. I mean, how long can these outrageously happy blissful feelings last? I'm so jaded with past crappy relationships that I just assume this one is going to end up the same way. Like today, I didn't hear from him until almost 1:00, and that had me freaking out. We hung out last night at his apartment and had an awesome time, but then I started second guessing myself. Did I do something wrong? Do I snort too loud when I laugh a lot?

So when he emailed me and said he probably couldn't hang out this weekend because he was lacking available funds, I thought the worst. This was looking like a blow-off. But...it wasn't. We talked about it and it's not a blow-off in any kind of way, and he's going to come over tomorrow and we're just gonna chill. Oh, lord, I can't wait.

We hung out at his place last night. Very clean, by the way. We watched Mythbusters and CSI and then we watched 6 straight episodes of Family Guy in a row. I have never seen that show before last night, and I have to say, I have been converted. That show makes me wet my pants with funnyness. But anyway, we had a good time. There was hand holding and good real chemistry and lots of laughing and meaningful looks. *sigh*

He's just...different. He says what he means, he doesn't try to get in my head, he's honest, he's...nice. He is a self described "nice guy." And the weird thing about that is that I never knew I wanted a nice guy until I met him, and now that's all I want. He's emotionally available, he's cute, he opens the door for me and wants to pay for everything and and and oh my god, I could sit here and brag all day but I'm too hungry for that.

I'm definitely attracted to him but sex hasn't been brought up once by either one of us. We don't even flirt, really. We're just hardcore getting to know each other. It's just awesome. I can't even describe how awesome it is.

I know this is going to be the longest entry ever, but I have to say that I'm worried. I'm worried that he'll find out something about the Real True Me, like Matt One did, and he'll lose all the respect he had. I don't mean something from my past, I mean just the way I am. I can clearly remember when Matt One figured out I was somewhat socially retarded. It involved a road trip and toll road and it was about 6 months into the relationship. I lost all the momentum I had gained at that moment.

But I've changed, and I'm not as socially retarded as I once was. And I'm not hiding anything from Matt Two, I'm just letting the Freak Flag fly. But I'm still terrified, and I'm scared this feeling isn't going to last, and I'm worried that since I haven't really put in my time in the dating world, is it really fair that I stumbled upon him so early in the game? I didn't expect to meet anyone I was so fucking crazy about on Match.com! I thought I'd date some people, get blown off, and then swear off boys for a while until I got my shit together again. I mean, I was only on the site for 3 days before I found him. Is it supposed to happen that fast?

I know that's crazy talk, but damn...I just wonder if it's too good to be true.

The only problem I have with him right now is his name. I have to admit, it does freak me out. Why, why does his name have to be Matt? WHY? I've run out of cute names to call him! In the long run it's absolutely nothing I should even be thinking about, but truthfully, it does bother me. I'm thinking, "Ooh, Matt's so dreamy!" But then I can't think that, because I've thought it before, and it was a different person. Okay, I'm weird.

Anyway, I'll stop babbling now. I'm actually updating from work, the first time I've done that in the 6 months I've been here. So I'm gonna go home, clean my apartment so that Matt Two isn't appalled by what a slob I am, and continue to smile like the happy dumbass I am.