I'm fucked.

August 12, 2005

Oh, man.

I am so completely and utterly fucked.

Not only is Matt just a really nice guy, not only do we share tons and tons of things in common, not only is he interested in what I have to say, not only is he cute and generally wonderful and gainfully employed and pays his rent and loves his dad and is a Gemini...he's also an outrageously awesome kisser.

I just had THE most intense make-out session of my entire 25 and 10 months on this planet. It lasted a good hour, with a few stops in between to say, "It's addicting!" and "I'm not going to stop if you aren't!"

I have completely lost the ability to speak. In fact, I am totally speechless. I tried to tell my mom and Ali-Kat about it, but I frequently found myself just kind of stuttering. This boy has brought me to my knees (not literally, yet). He is...amazing. I just don't even know what to do with myself. I've never had such an intense make out session with anyone ever. Sure, with Mike, there was that 5 minutes of kissing and then, "Hey, let's ruin everything and have sex right now!" But this was just pure kissing with a random mix of fondling thrown in for good measure.

*drool*

The only thing...there's this nagging voice in my head, the one that keeps saying, "That's the last time you'll ever see him. He is never going to call you again." That voice is making me doubt my faith in whatever this is we have going on, and while I know that's a good thing because it keeps me honest, I just wish I had enough faith in myself to believe that this is truly a good thing and it's not going to end at some drop of a hat. But...I don't know that for sure. And I don't know if I ever even will.

But...holy God, all I want to do for the rest of my life is kiss Matt. That's it. I'm going to wake up tomorrow and just want to make out all day long.

That is all. I am fucked.

*****

1
"I don't really even miss him.. I do want to go to his house, but mostly because I left my sunglasses there last week."

2
"Why can't I do this? Why am I still having so many issues about life in general? Why is it so hard?"

3
"Football season has officially started. What does that mean? Well, first of all it means that BB is going to be a happy guy for the next 3 or 4 months."

4
"I can't find my vibrator anywhere."