Retreat fun and the big red Dodge Ram of death

October 30, 2005

Greetings, earthlings!

So, my weekend was pretty groovy, but it started out kind of strange. And of course I will now tell you all about it!

To preface this, you guys know how I sometimes talk about my habit of looking at every single red Dodge Ram to see if it's Matt One's? I do that. I've been trying not to do it so much lately because, well, I'm just trying to move on and stuff.

So I was riding to the happy fun retreat with a married couple. I was sitting in the back seat and we were happily talking about burritos when suddenly...the inevitable happens. I always had a feeling it would happen, anyway. There it is, a red Dodge Ram with a Collin County Community College sticker on the back of it. My burrito conversation comes to an abrupt end as we pass by this vehicle, and yep. There he is. Matthew, my ex-boyfriend, the person who I just can't seem to ever quite get off my mind.

We were in Plano, which is where he lives, so it wasn't all that strange to see. But yet...it was still MAJORLY unsettling. I didn't get a really good look at him because his arm was up and he was talking on his cell phone. But from the glimpse I got, all I can say is that he's still a big guy and that's really all I could tell.

This really kinda shook me up and I spent, well, the rest of the weekend pondering what I needed to do about the situation.

Because, in my experience? Things don't just happen randomly. Things always, always happen for a reason. Why did we pass by him on the way to a retreat that was focused on God? Why did we even pass by him at all? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE!??!

My immediate reaction was that I needed to send him an email. I even wrote 2 versions of what I'd say in my little notebook. But eventually, I came to the obvious conclusion that it's just not worth it. I'm not going to do anything but recognize that this was strange and now I'm going to move on.

The biggest reason for not sending an email is because...I'm just not ready for what words could come out of his mouth. I don't want to hear "I'm engaged!" Or "We just bought a house!" Or "We just went to Vegas and eloped!" I especially don't want to hear the words "I'm happier than I've ever been" come from him, because while that would be good and yay for him, he had 8 years with me that could have made him happier than he's ever been and yet they weren't. So, my point is...I'm not ready to do anything but do the same thing I've been doing for the past 6 months, and that is...move on.

I am proud of this decision and I think this weekend's retreat really had a lot to do with it. It's nice to know that I don't have to do things that would be detrimental to my growth as a mature adult. Or something like that. I know it's good I wasn't near a computer this weekend or I might have weakened and sent something I might regret. But I look at this happening because I needed to be tested. I needed the universe to show me that I have moved on, but not completely. That is a good thing to see, and I really do appreciate it. Woo!

The retreat was really a lovely experience. The biggest thing for me was discovering that I have real and actual leadership skills! I never knew that. I always thought I was a follower, and now I know that being a leader is actually a lot of fun and also gives me a feeling of power I've never experienced before. It's a really nice thing to discover, honestly.

The big focus of the weekend was the Holy Spirit. I know a lot of you are rolling your eyes and you're all, "Whatever!" But it was really powerful to see how many people were affected by all the talks and the prayer and the meetings and yeah...it was really something to see.

Now it's Sunday and I'm excited about Nano starting on Tuesday. I'm close to completely scrapping my story and coming up with something else, but maybe not. I suppose I'll see what comes out of me when I start writing! Woo.

Alrighty then. I'm going to give my DVR some love now because it's 89% full and that's just not right. I hope you all have pleasant and lovely weeks and such.

*****
1
"And, perhaps a nice little mini-crush is developing on a certain boy. I didn't have a crush before because I thought he was like.. in his 30's and married. But, in fact, he is 24 and from what I could ascertain, not attached. And in the past, there was some small signals that were sent out to the universe that made me ponder certain things, but.. let's not go there."

3
"I'm excited and sad about life in general right now. On one hand, I'm leaving BB and I'm going on my own personal journey, and that's sad. On the other, it's my own personal journey! I get to go to Austin, the city I've loved for so long! My mom just talked to my dad about it and he said it was a good idea, so yeah. Here I come."