ex-boyfriends, roommates, and Brett Somers

March 10, 2005

I am currently watching CSI. Yay.

So, it's been a week since the great "I Just Want To Be Friends" event of 2005. I have talked to Mike approximately once, and that was because I text messaged him on Tuesday just to say hi. We each sent, like, 2 messages. And that's it. It was civil, but nothing else. I sent that text because.. well, there's a lot of reasons, but the biggest reason was because I didn't want him to think that what he might have done or said was so crushing that I could never get over it, so.. that was my reason. And he couldn't be less interested, so, that's it for me. If we ever talk again in our lifetime, it'll be because of him. So.. that's probably it. It was kinda sorta fun while it lasted.

Whatever. It's apparently so over that we have to find a new word for over.

So what does a girl do when she feels rejected and yucky? What does a girl do when she feels like she's falling way deep into the dumps and she still feels like nobody is ever going to want her again?

Why, she goes over to her ex-boyfriend's house, of course!

What? That's not what you're supposed to do?

Man, at this point, I couldn't care less what I'm "supposed" to do. All I know is that Matt, throughout the seven and a half years I've known him, has always made me feel beautiful, worthy, and desired. I needed that tonight. And more than that.. the fact that he KNEW that I needed that. He KNEW my needs, he had practically anticpated them before I even asked. And.. it was nice. I enjoyed spending a few hours with him. I enjoyed the nookie. I enjoyed the closeness that still exists in some capacity between us. And yeah.. we might be using each other, but at least we both know that. At least that's what I'm trying to tell myself.

I know there really isn't a future for us. You guys, I KNOW that. But like I said.. I NEEDED to go over tonight. I needed the countless orgasms he gave me, I needed the dinner he paid for, I needed the connection that we've had, that we've ALWAYS had. I NEEDED to know that there is someone out there who, no matter what, who will always be there for me when I need him.

And yeah, let's all be honest and admit that there was some nostalgia there, and feelings I thought I buried far, far away were trying their hardest to come to the surface. But god only knows that I've beat that dead horse for years and years and years, so let's just not go there.

*sigh*

He's getting stomach stapling surgery next month. I don't know quite what to think about that.

Proving that my iPod knows me oh so well, it decided to play "Insensitive" by Jann Arden on the way home. That's so my relationship with Matt, it always has been. So.. weird.

Also, the song "I Can't Make You Love Me" by Bonnie Raitt is heartbreaking and wonderful.

I miss him. But again.. I'm not going there. It won't work out the way I want it to. I'll get over this retarded feeling soon, but for tonight.. it's what I'm thinking about.

*****

In other news, my job is going okay. I've been doing Match Games all week long, and hey! Some of them are actually airing next week. I don't know for sure what day, but program your TiVO's to record the Game Show Network at 10 AM next week, and put your captioning on while you watch it. That's me! That's what I do! How exciting is that?

Something I don't understand about my job and my co-workers... they sit around and talk ALL THE TIME. There is one person in particular who NEVER shuts up, and I don't get that. We have an assignment. We have to get it done. How is sitting around and talking about nothing of interest at all going to get the work done? It's very distracting. I participate every now and then so that I'm not seen as a total outcast. But most of the time.. geebus.

But something interesting about this job.. my biggest problem when I worked at GM was not being able to understand the mindset of the customers. But like, sadly enough.. I've watched so many damn Match Games this week that I'm starting to get emotionally involved! I am always so happy when Richard Dawson gets the question right. Even Brett Somers is starting to grow on me!

So, at least I actually like my job. That's something. Tuesday was my one month anniversary, and I haven't been fired yet! But I also feel a little stuck because I KNOW I have so much to learn. My boss has just been sticking me with Match Game after Match Game because nobody else likes to do them and it's easier than teaching me something new.

But, it's all good. My job rocks. Truly. Seriously. I am confident in saying that.

*****

I'm going through one of my rare "I hate my roomate" stages right now, and it's not pretty. She is ALWAYS, ALWAYS with her fucking boyfriend. I know that's what a lot of normal people do, but hello, ever hear of co dependence? If they love each other so god damned much, why don't they move in together? Why don't they fucking get married! They've been together for 5 years!

And when I came back from Austin and the roses I bought for my "romantic evening" with Mike on Thursday, we talked a little and she said when she came home from her trip, she thought the flowers were FOR HER. She thought her damn boyfriend brought them over when she was gone! Hello, girl, not everything is ABOUT YOU!

At this point right now, I'd rather live by myself than with her. There's been a lot of times where I've had to go home when I didn't necessarily want to to take PD out so he can pee. And sometimes I'm tempted to tell her that I can't, but I love PD too much to not come home and take care of him. He doesn't have to suffer just because I'm not a big fan of his mommy these days.

I'll get over it. I just don't really get her anymore. I used to.. but we're totally on different playing fields these days. Maybe I'm just bitter that I don't have what she has. It's entirely possible.

*****

As you can see, I'm not exactly at my most healthy and happy point at my life. I'm sure things will change eventually, but right now.. I can't stand myself and I can't stand where my life is heading. I feel.. poopy. I don't feel empty QUITE yet, but I feel like that's where it's heading if I don't curve it around.

I have been working out a lot more and I have been trying to eat less, and by God, I actually STARTED MY NOVEL this week. It's only up to 1,000 words, but hey.. that's a start, man.

I think today is Josh's birthday. He would be 24, if he hasn't been killed in self defense by someone yet.

Here's a picture of Gordo from Ticketstock a few weeks ago. It kinda defines the whole reason why I've been obsessed with the man for practically 5 years now.

*drool*

I have so much more to say, but sometimes a girl just has to shut the fuck up. And watch Match Game PM on GSN. It's a very sick addiction now. I am watching this INSTEAD of CSI! I mean.. yeah.

*********

a year ago..
"Basically what happened what that I lost my shit. I'm blaming the whole thing on the first day of my period. Because, seriously? The first day of my period always makes me crazy. The hormones that enter my body are like crazy woman hormones.. they just take no prisoners, I swear!"

2 years..
"Today's agony is the email I sent Matt basically saying "Free nookie! Come and get it!" He didn't reply to it, and I know he's been online and I know he's probably read it by now. I did say in the email "You don't have to reply if you don't want to," but I didn't mean it!"

3 years..
"But it had no relevance to me. There's a world out there where chicks date guys and expect to have sex on the first date. They think the guy is gay or something if they don't have sex soon. That really doesn't apply to me. I've had a boyfriend since I was 17 years old. I had sex with two people before I met him and that was considered a little slutty. If we ever break up, I'm screwed. I'm gonna have to like.. date people, and they're gonna want to have sex, and that's gonna be wierd, because my boyfriend is a virgin."