Behind These Hazel Eyes is stuck in my brain right now.

November 24, 2005

Unfortunately, my fun drunken entry wasn't as entertaining as usual, and I blame that on my job. If we misspell something it's pretty much a cardinal sin, so as a result, I would not allow myself to spell anything wrong last night when I was typing that. Isn't that sad? I pressed the delete key a lot, as you would imagine.

In other more relevant news, Church Boy actually responded to my email! Since I pimped that one out so lovingly to you guys, I'll share with you the beauty of his reply:

Thank you for the compliment. It takes a lot to say what you did, and I appreciate it. Do not worry about the retreat. In my opinion it was not you causing the "weirdness" as much as someone else. I am glad you have realized that you have a lot to contribute to this world because you do. As for any awkwardness, this will not make me uncomfortable. I am flattered by what you said.

I hope I did not lead you on in any way. You always made me laugh and always thought of you as a friend of mine.

Thanks,
Church Boy

Hmm. Alrighty then. I like the first part, but my eyes drift to...I hope I did not lead you on in any way...and, yeah. At first I felt that was condescending, but I'm trying to think about it logically. Just because I needed him to like me in a certain way, just because I saw it going that way in my mind, just because I wanted it more than anything...that doesn't mean that was the way it was. That doesn't mean that he felt the way I was so sure I thought he felt. And that's fine and dandy because all that matters is that AT THE TIME, it's what I desperately needed.

I had another revelation the other day. I'm just full of them, aren't I? Church Boy, as we all know because I've said it 100 times, was in my life for a reason. And the second I asked him to call me, thereby letting on that I wanted to be a little more than friends, that's when the balance shifted. That's when his usefulness to me paid off and I no longer needed his influence on my life. Well, it all makes sense to me, anyway. AND THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS!

In other boy news, the Brit is one hard guy to talk to. I mean, when you have a clear topic in mind and you engage him in a conversation, it's all good and he can talk intelligently about it. But once that's over, he doesn't offer anything else to talk about. He sure doesn't initiate conversation ever, either. He's a little...intimidating. Maybe it's just because he's outrageously hot, or maybe it's the accent that's throwing me off, but I find him to be a little scary.

Not that that is keeping me away from trying to get me some of him. Usually at the farm I'm all relaxed and I couldn't give a shit about my appearance, but now I find myself looking in the mirror every 5 minutes and really trying to just look like I give a shit. It's a hard task. And tonight? I came to play. The cleavage is out, friends, and it is good.

Anyway, my boy crazyness is not doing anybody any favors, and I should really just stop right now. But, well, it's just too much fun. What can I say, really?

I am very excited about dinner tonight. Thanksgiving dinner is probably just the best food ever in the world. I am also excited that I still have another 3 days off from work. It's a nice relaxing time, except when I'm trying to seduce family members.

Anyway, I hope those of you who celebrate Thanksgiving are having themselves some good times. Those who don't, I hope you are enjoying life in general. And, you know, such.

*****

1
"Church Boy makes me happy. He asks about my day, my novel, my job situation. He remembers everything we talk about. He looks at me with total and complete interest when I talk to him. I feel so very comfortable when I'm with him, like I can absolutely say anything I want and he wouldn't judge me at all."

2
"I mean.. you can't really live your life without knowing what true pain feels like, because then you won't know what beauty is because you haven't felt the pain. That makes sense, right?"

3
"I just don't understand how he can just completely cut me off with no problem. I realize he's dealing with his emotional issues in a different way. He's not crying. He's doing other things to figure it all out. But I don't realize how he can just cut it off. Just say "That's the way the cookie crumbles." That was an actual quote from our conversation today. "That's the way the cookie crumbles."

4
"Oh yes, and I am the Queen of Tetris. Even BB, who beats me at everything, is in awe of my greatness. Last night I scored a dazzling 397,000 points. Yes, I am that good. You are powerless in my presence."