My email to Church Boy that I may regret for the rest of my life!

November 21, 2005

So, here's something fun!

When I was doing my church thing last night, it really brought me back to last year and the Church Boy situation. And something nagged at me that's been nagging at me for a while now...

I have to write him an email. I have to tell him what he means to me.

I talked to my mom about it, she tried to talk me out of it. But, oh my god, you guys...you know me and my emails! I have to send them or I'll torture myself about it for the rest of my life.

So, here's the email I sent to him just a few minutes ago. It hurt to press that "send" button because I knew that it might not have been a good idea. But when it all comes down to it, Church Boy and I aren't really great friends anyway. We don't hang out, we don't call each other, we only see each other at church. So if I lose him as a friend, worst case scenario, for sending him this email...oh well. I felt like I had to do it, so I did. So be it, as Christian Slater would say.

Here and now, I would like to share this email with you, my viewing audience. If you have any kind of opinion about it whatsoever, let me know! I don't even know if he will ever respond, but I feel better knowing it's finally out there in the universe.

So, without further ado, here it is.

I know you're probably thinking, "Oh dear, why is SHE writing me an email!", so I'll just get to the point...

So last night in *church*, we had the healing service. When I was listening to *Pastor Guy* talk, I was remembering the service last year and the whole ice cream affair we engaged in afterwards. It's almost hard to explain, but that brought back a feeling I had back then, a year ago, and it's such a powerful feeling that I was moved to share it with you.

The feeling was...before I met you last year, it had been a long time since anyone had expressed so much interest in who I was as a person. It had been a long time since anyone made me feel the way that you did, like I was talented and interesting and the things I did, like writing my novel, were not just boring things I did to pass the time. It was how you were interested in my novel, how you were concerned about my job situation, how you complimented me on interesting emails, how you were even fascinated by the doodles I drew in my notebook during the talks. The little things, the big things...it all mattered to me, and it all had an effect on my life.

I just want you to know that your interest in me changed me. It made me realize that the situation I was in did not have to be permanent. It made me realize that I could change, that I was capable of being more than I thought I was, and ultimately it made me realize that there was more to life than being stuck in a relationship with someone who was no longer making me happy.

I do admit that I wanted it to be more than it was, and I was disappointed for a long time that it didn't turn out the way I wanted it to, but now I realize that you were/are in my life for a purpose, and you definitely fulfilled that for me. I just think it's important for you to know that you made a big difference in my life, and I will always, always be grateful to you for that. I've always wanted to tell you that, but I just couldn't gather the courage to do it.

Not only did you make me realize that I could change, but you inspired me to take on a leadership role in *church*, and the people I've met and the things I've learned by doing that this year is something I'll always remember.

I really debated sending this to you, but I thought, what the hell...everybody likes to be told that they affected someone's life in a good way, right? I know this might potentially cause awkwardness, but it was something on my heart that I wanted you to know, and I KNOW I could never tell you this in person! While I'm here, I do want to apologize for any awkwardness I might have caused at the retreat last weekend. That was not my intention, and I feel bad for any weirdness that might have been going on at the time.

Okay, yeah, I'll shut up now. I hope you have a great Thanksgiving and a wonderful week.

Awww.

In other boy news, I love how, the week I decide I'm going to give up boys and spend some time figuring out what the hell is going on with me, the universe sends one directly to me. Okay, so he's my third cousin, but what's a little incest now days? Yeah, I know that's creepy, but you don't understand how hot this boy is! HOTTT. Last night we all went out to dinner and Donna said that she kept seeing him steal some looks in my direction. After dinner, we had a little flirtatious conversation about Guns N Roses and bootleg CDs, and I know my dad and Donna were just like, "Oh, dear."

Plus, I can listen to him talk for fucking hours. I don't know what it is about that british accent, but holy shit, give me some more of it!

Okay, I'm done now. I would like to note that I bought a pair of Seven jeans tonight on sale for $50. Oh yeah, I'm gonna rock those fuckers.

Good night!