3 years ago my ass was kicked!

October 24, 2005

Hi!

A quote from 3 years ago...
You know, after being someone with 5 years, you get to know someone, and their habits, and their quirks. You know what they're thinking, and you know what your reaction to that will be.

But still, the words "We need to talk" will still strike fear in my heart and mind.

Dum Dum Dum!

I really haven't thought about this all day at all, and I don't know if I really should be all that contemplative about it, but it is a significant day. 3 years ago on this day my life literally changed forever, although I really had no idea at the time. I could no longer be a 23-year-old ignorant college student with no direction in life. It was go time, and I was about to come to some sudden realizations.

Before this happened, I really was aimless. My college days mainly consisted of sitting on my computer in my dorm room all day long, going to class when I needed to, studying for tests the day before, and hauling ass to Matt's on the weekends. I knew I was going to graduate in a few months, but I didn't really think about getting a job. I had NO FUCKING IDEA it would be so outrageously hard to get one!

What did I think I was going to do after I graduated? I didn't really have a plan, but what I wantedto do was get an apartment close to Matt in Plano and find a nice newspaper job. At night, I'd go to Matt's, cook him dinner, and eventually we'd get married and continue this mediocre life of ours. I didn't think that would be so terrible. In fact, I looked forward to it.

Looking back, obviously I'm grateful to Matt for pulling the plug. He probably should have done it earlier. He probably should have done it BEFORE he started talking to Her again. The whole thing probably could have gone a little better. But he could have stayed, and we could still be together right now, and I wouldn't know what it was like to be brought down to my knees. I wouldn't know what it was like to have every single inch of ego removed from my body only to be replaced with a new sense of humility I never had before.

I had experienced heartbreak before, sure. But to be dumped from a relationship I'd been in for 5 years with no advanced warning (although there was TONS of warnings, I just wasn't paying attention) was something that completely blindsided me. To experience pain like that, the pain I put myself through for almost a whole year...well, I'm glad I went through it, and I hope it never happens again quite like that.

Another quote...
I'm going to have some rude awakenings coming up, and I'm looking forward to that. Maybe it'll break me out of this funk that I've been in for so long. Maybe it'll help me relate more to humans, that sure would be nice. I want to make something happen. I want to be fucking proud of myself, for once. And I don't know how to do that. It's a little depressing so I just don't think about it, causing me to sink into the world I've made for myself, and there you go. My own little fabricated world, made for me and only me, where I'm stuck until I can get the nuts to bust out of here.

I feel sorry for the me of 3 years ago, but I'm glad that it happened the way that it did. You know why? Because if it hadn't happened that way, I wouldn't be the person I am today. And I know that sounds lame, but it's true...I LIKE the person I am today! Sure I could lose a few pounds and blah blah blah, but I am the way I am because I went through that whole ordeal, because I moved to Austin, because I went through a fun bout with clinical depression, because Matt eventually did want me back and then eventually ditched me again for another girl, this time never looking back, not even once.

It is weird that we haven't talked in 6 months. As we all know, I still don't have that quite worked out yet. But I do know that life without Matt isn't that bad. But I also know life with him wasn't that bad either, and while he's put me through the ringer at times, I don't regret having stayed so long in a relationship with someone I loved. Okay, yeah, I do regret it. But I don't blame myself for wanting it to work out. Or something like that.

And I did love him with all my heart, and he loved me, although his way of showing it was not really society's way of doing things. But just the security and the comfort and the way we could laugh about the stupidest things and how we talked about the future with the same goals and how he came from nothing and made such a good life for himself and how friggin cute he was and how he always thought I was beautiful even when I definitely wasn't and how, when I was cooking for him, he'd almost always come in the kitchen and kiss me, like he was so grateful that I was there. I miss some of those things.

Speaking of Matts, it's officially been a month since I saw Matt Two. It's been a month since I was in his apartment, having one last passionate night that I still kinda daydream about because it was just that awesome. I know those "one last nights" aren't always such a great idea because it prolongs the inevitable, but damn, this one was really quite something.

I haven't taled to the guy in a while and I guess that's good. And it's also good that I'm not taking it as "Oh, he never cared about me, he's forgotten all about me!" I know it's because he's busy trying to create a better life for himself and while I do probably cross his mind every now and then, he has other things to worry about now. I respect that, and I'm just glad I got to be part of his life at all. Because damn, that man was the best kisser ever! Don't even try to disagree with me.

Anyway. In other news, work is starting to suck just a little tiny bit. Another new person started today and thus we now have a serious lack of extra computers, which means overtime will be hard to arrange and that really sucks. I almost feel like I'm getting a little screwed out of the whole deal, but my mom informed me that getting so much overtime was really a bonus and I shouldn't feel like I deserve it. Well, fine then!

But the good news is, I still rock this job's ass. Also, I have a serious crush on whom we will call "M" because "Chuck" is such a stupid name. M is a serious hunk of man meat, and I really want a piece of that action. I think he has a girlfriend, though this is not confirmed as of yet. I thought I could detect some interesting flirtation on his side today, though.

Today I worked on a show called "Bad Girls," which is the british chick version of Oz. Not bad, really. But quite strange at the same time.

Also, Bon Jovi is coming into town next month and I'm trying to get Natalie to come with me to see them. Wouldn't that be the awesomest? I believe it would be!

Now I must end this and get my big ass to the gym. For the record, every Monday that I work out, I have to buy the new Entertainment Weekly and read it on the elliptical. I've been doing that for almost 3 years now, and it's just good times for all.

For shits and giggles, I'll make this entry the longest ever and add my entry from 3 years ago, just because I believe it to be one of the best and most heartfelt and prophetic and good entries ever. Yeah, I like myself, can you tell?

*******

You know, after being someone with 5 years, you get to know someone, and their habits, and their quirks. You know what they're thinking, and you know what your reaction to that will be.

But still, the words "We need to talk" will still strike fear in my heart and mind.

It's not as dramatic as it sounds, but BB and I did have a lengthy conversation today on IM. He said that he might have to take a month or two to chill out, but it doesn't have anything to do with me. It has to do with the fact that 3 or 4 of his friends are either moving away or just being complete and total freaks. (The FGG is doing some kind of thing that he says will keep him locked in his house for a month.. I don't know. He's a freak.) It has to do with the fact his football team is kinda sucking it up right now and probably won't make it to the playoffs, and since he pretty much pins his happiness on them going to the playoffs every year, this will probably send him into his winter depression a little earlier than usual.

He said that he may not do anything about it, but he wanted to give me a heads up. He wants to work out his problems and he knows if I was around, he'd just take it out on me. And I appreciated that, because shit happens sometimes. And over the years, I would have taken this news differently. But now, I'm almost.. apathetic. And I know that sometimes, we can't solve each other's problems, and sometimes we just have to chill out and think about things. I just want him to feel better about life in general, so if this is what he needs, he's welcome to it.

Does that make sense? It makes sense to me.

And I'm kinda going through an identity crisis of my own. I don't know what to do with myself. I know I'm looking forward to getting out of this dorm and finally getting into the "real" world, but I'm worried that the real world might be too real for me. As I was telling Ms. Molly today, I have pretty much had things handed to me since I've been in college. I've been allowed way too much freedom. I've gone on road trips to New Orleans in the middle of February. I've borrowed tons of money from my mom even though I get everything paid for by my dad. I've probably spent my whole weekend here and not in Dallas or Plano with BB about 3 times in the past 4 years. I get out of here as fast as I can. I believe the rules don't apply to me. Friends? Who needs friends when I have BB? A job? Who needs a job when I'm mooching off my dad? Good grades? Who needs good grades when I can do reviews and read The Dirt in my math class when I just found out I got a 48 on my test?

It's just pathetic. And BB is going through his own time and I'm going through my own time, and it doesn't seem like we can help each other.

Sometimes I wish we could help each other. But he is in his own world. He has like a 170 IQ and things that make sense to him don't make much sense to the rest of the world.

When I saw Good Will Hunting with him, I was a little obsessed, because Matt Damon says something about wanting to be with someone who would challenge him. I know that's what BB wants, and I've been spending the past 5 years trying to think of ways to be that person for him, the one who can provide for him everything he needs - sexually, emotionally, and intellectually. But I can't be all 3, at least right now, and he knows that. That's why he hasn't asked me to marry him, I know that, and he knows that.

The other day in one of my classes, one of the newspaper people was talking about her wedding, and I just kinda blurted out, "I want to get married! It's been 5 years, I mean, come on! It's time!" And they all agreed with me and we all talked about that.

And I felt bad about saying that, because I know perfectly well why we haven't gotten engaged yet. I'm lagging behind. I'm walking behind him with my security blanket trailing along the ground, sucking my thumb, looking for someone to solve all my problems for me. He's tried. He tried by being an asshole, he tried by being nice, but I still can't get my shit together. I still lag through life, looking for the easy way of doing things, waiting for someone to give me my next assignment. It's a crappy way to live, it really is. And I think BB feels the same way.. we're both kind of crapping our way through life, although he's doing it in a better way, by actually having a job and actually making good grades.

I'm tired of it. I'm growing apathetic. And that's just no way to be.

And I still have so much guilt about some stuff. And I realize when I talk about my life with people that they don't know what I'm talking about. They don't know where I'm coming from. And they probably think I'm the biggest crackwhore on the planet because I've had everything handed to me and I don't know what real life is like.

And it's true. I don't. I'm going to have some rude awakenings coming up, and I'm looking forward to that. Maybe it'll break me out of this funk that I've been in for so long. Maybe it'll help me relate more to humans, that sure would be nice. I want to make something happen. I want to be fucking proud of myself, for once. And I don't know how to do that. It's a little depressing so I just don't think about it, causing me to sink into the world I've made for myself, and there you go. My own little fabricated world, made for me and only me, where I'm stuck until I can get the nuts to bust out of here.

I realize that I just rambled my way through this whole entry, but I had to get this stuff out. It's what I'm feeling. My mind is just a big giant fishbowl right now, and I just have to get out of here.