There is no Arizona, no painted desert, no Sedona.

October 16, 2005

First of all, thank you all for my wondeful birthday wishes. So far 26 has been...the same. What a shocker!

I love that I have suddenly been infused with that which is a social life. I'm like... actually busy! I have NO TIME to go see movies I'm dying to see, like Elizabethtown and In Her Shoes. It's all very lovely and stuff, but having a social life really cuts into my anti-social time. I guess that's the point, eh?

I mean, I really was starting to worry about the fact that I had no friends and everything. And then New Fabulous Co-Worker, who I will now name "J" because it's just easier that way, keeps inviting me to stuff and it's all good. I can definitely dig it. I went to his birthday party last night and I had a pretty decent time for a while. They had 2 black labs to play with for my amusement!

But yesterday in general was kinda weird. I was feeling off all day long for no apparent reason. And around 9:00 last night, I just started crashing. Maybe it was the shot of tequila, I don't know. But I just felt like total shit and at 10:00 I just went home. I don't know, socializing is hard for me, it really is. The only person I knew at this party was J, and while he totally rocks, I'm just intimidated by all these fabulous new people. Plus, I was the only straight person there. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

But, hey, having a social life rocks. I wish I could be more comfortable with it and not feel like I'm stepping out of my comfort zone.

In other news, I had a revelation on Friday night. I was at my dad's wonderful farm with all my wonderful puppies, and 2 songs played on the 70's station that really hammered this revelation home - "Two out of Three Aint Bad" by Meatloaf, and "Drift Away," by Dobie Gray. Those 2 songs...if you want me to think about Matt One, those 2 songs and maybe "It's Your Love" are going to do the trick.

For maybe 2 or 3 months, I really was in a big apathy stage with the whole Matt One thing, and that was good for the time. As long as I didn't think about it then I would be okay. But now, I'm finally letting myself feel sad about the whole thing. I know you guys have noticed I can't talk about Matt One without first saying something like, "I mean, it's not like I think about it all the time or anything!" And I don't. That is true. But I do think about him, and when I do, there's a hole there. An emptiness. And there's nothing I can do about it except wonder, for the 1,987th time, how he can just do this. How he can go off and completely deny my existence for almost 6 months like nothing ever happened between us.

It hurts, dude. It really and truly does. I am allowing myself to understand that it really does hurt, I'm not made of stone and it hurts when someone I once made Everything is now Nothing.

I mean, it's not like I never meant anything to him. Our 5 years together was his longest relationship, too. We really did go through sooo much together and I just can't understand why it ended like this. This girlfriend of his...well, I don't know. Whatever. I really do hope he's happy with her, but to exclude me from his life just because she asked him to...I just don't get it. And I never, ever will.

In other boy news, Matt Two still lives 1,000 miles away from me. He called me on Thursday and I got to hear his lovely voice and that was nice, but really...I know I should move on. I know I should stop having fantasies about him giving up and moving back here or me giving up and moving there or whatever. Yes, he is still talking to me and saying he misses me and I know he cares and I know I impacted his life a little, but he still lives 1,000 miles away and we still only dated for a month! That is not a good equation.

I know there will definitely be others, but will there be others who can fucking kiss like that? Will there be others who almost completely get me and what I'm about? Blah blah blah, Phoenix sucks, I'll shut up now.

Work is still going fabulously. Not only am I doing really well with all the stuff they're giving me to do, but it's just getting a lot more fun to work there now with J and the other new people. I've always sat back at different jobs and I've seen people bond and wonder how they did it, how they managed to find a completely random person and become friends with them. I've been doing that, and it really makes me happy that I am evolving with my social demanor, and that is definitely a good thing.

I did a lot of overtime last week but this week I need to chill out and definitely work out more. That's something difficult for me...I can't usually do both but I have the urge and the need to do both. Damn priorities.

Other things:
- I am such the Gap's bitch.
- I am going to buy shoes at Nordstrom's today.
- Shane's World makes really good porn.
- I need to clean out my car.
- Pizza is good.

*****

1
"It also occured to me during the fair, while walking around, that I am seriously just asking for trouble with this whole thing. I mean, really.. what do I expect? That he's going to come running to me with open arms once he figures out my feelings for him? It seriously makes me wonder why I put myself in these situations when I know the outcome isn't going to be pretty. It's strangely baffling why I feel the need to do so."

3
"I should have another favorite band. The concept is just so outrageous that I don't even know what to do with myself."