A DATE?!

January 14, 2005

Two things before we start:
a. I have the feeling that this is going to be a long one.
b. Disregard the last entry.. it was kind of a misunderstanding type of situation. I think.

It's important to note here that I will be going on a date tomorrow.

That's right. You read that correctly. A date. With a boy! A boy named Mike.

As of 4:00 today, I hadn't talked to him since Wednesday afternoon, but I was convinced by my mom that I had to ask him out or I might just regret it forever! So I did. We're doing stuff. Tomorrow. And like.. I don't really know what to do with myself except sit here on my bed, type this entry, and watch the tape of Guns N Roses live at the Ritz from 1988 that I just acquired from Ebay.

I don't even know what to say, really. I never thought that I'd be able to release myself from the grips of Matt, and while I still have yet to do that 100%, I have a date tomorrow! I lived in Austin for a year without really going on a date, and Austin is supposedly the easiest place to get a date in the country!

This boy.. he's cute. We have been flirting for MONTHS. I've talked about him pretty frequently to my mom and to my roommate and to my boss, but I never thought anything would actually happen.

But here it is, you guys. Here's my chance. I finally get to learn about another person. I can't wait to really sit down and talk to him tomorrow. I want to know where he went to high school. I want to know where he grew up and what his favorite movie is and what he thinks about Guns N Roses and if he prefers rainy days to sunny days and dude, I even want to know what kind of shoes he wears! I don't ever get to see his shoes in our interactions!

I know it's going to be awkward tomorrow, and I'm terrified of that. I mean.. we barely know each other. But I'm also anxiously anticipating it. Is he going to try to hold my hand? Is he going to try to KISS me? Am I going to KISS another boy besides Matt EVER AGAIN? I know once we get past the awkwardness, if we ever do, it will be fucking amazing. I just can't stop thinking about how cool it will be to have a functional relationship with someone who shows affection and isn't afraid to tell me that he loves me and who wants comittment and you know.. all the stuff Matt could never provide for me!

To go off on a Matt tangent here... I've been thinking lately about how it just got too hard. About how I always knew, in the back of my mind, that he wasn't going to surprise me on a whim and propose. I always knew that what we had, while there was still love and passion involved, was a farce. And lately.. it just got too hard to keep up with that. It got too hard to know that I have to achieve a certain level for him to really love me as much as I wanted him to, and that's not something I want in my life anymore.

Do you know how long it took me to realize that? I think it took a combination of lusting after Farm Guy and Church Boy to realize that there's other guys out there, guys who will treat me better and accept me for who I am instead of who I could be, you know?

Matt spent a good 30 minutes last night, through text messages, trying to convince me that it was in my best interest to come to his house for a booty call. And I was just thinking.. why in the hell is that in MY best interest AT ALL? It's just not cool anymore. And I accept that. And at some point, I'm going to have to tell him. But that some point is not now! MUAHAHAHA!

But seriously.. this boy.. MIKE. If this were to manifest itself into a real relationship, it would be like nothing I've ever experienced before. First of all, he lives 10 minutes away. He works about 45 seconds away. Seriously, the bank is one exit down the highway from me. I see it all the time. I can't avoid it. I didn't meet him online, and I didn't meet him at school, I met him through normal human interactions. It took him a long time (at least 6 months of flirtations) for him to put something in action, but he did, and now.. say it with me...

I HAVE A DATE TOMORROW!!!

I am sosoososo nervous, and I really don't know what to expect, and I'm scared, and I'm excited, and most of all I'm relieved because I didn't think this was ever going to happen. For a very, very, very long time I thought that Matt was going to be the one and I would never let myself think any different.

I do have to figure out what the hell a Capricorn is all about, though. I'm used to the Taurus. The Taurus is easy. The Taurus is not a challenge. Capricorn, I'm not so sure about. Also? Church Boy is a Capricorn too. And they both have some kind of financial career path going on, which is weird.

But anyway. I digress. Wish me luck! I'm about to pee in my pants.

I went to church tonight for this thing that I thought was going to be cool, for the singles group. Instead, it was a bunch of 40 year old divorcees and yeah.. I snuck out about an hour and a half early. Maybe that wasn't really what I was supposed to do, but it totally wasn't my scene. One of the only reasons I went was because the leader has the exact same name of a chick in the BabySitters Club. It doesn't take much to amuse me, if you couldn't tell.

This GN'R video rocks my pants off. It's before Axl got his massive ego and he has nothing but respect for his bandmates. Here he is introducing Slash:

"In a world that he did not create, that he will go through as if it was his own making, half man, half beast - I'm not sure what it is, but it's weird, it's pissed off, and it calls itself Slash."

Slash's response - "FUCK!"

I love Axl. And I love Slash.

2005 ROCKS so far!

That is all.

*****

a year ago..
"Jordan: "Why are you like this?"
Angela: "Like what?"
Jordan: "Like how you are."
Angela: "How am I?"

2 years...
"So does this really set me apart from other people? Do I have to have sex these days to fit into a real adult relationship? Because I don't want to. I've held on to a sexless life for this long, I don't want to throw it away on some bastard who won't call me the next day, right?

And of course there's the whole "If I have sex with someone else, Matt will never want me again" mind set, which is totally and completely stupid. It's not like we're ever going to talk about my sexual partners. And you know.. all the rest of the stuff that is wrong with that sentence."