Yark!

December 14, 2004

I absolutely refuse to believe that on this date two years ago, I graduated from college. I REFUSE. How can that be? How could I have not found a job that has anything remotely to do with what I majored in yet? It's been TWO YEARS, people! I'VE BEEN SEARCHING FOR A JOB FOR TWO LOONNGNGNGGGG YEARS!

I just can't wrap my brain around that fact. For serious. I can't. I just won't. I refuse. I want to be like Cher and turn back time.

More than that, I remember what was going on at that time with total clarity. It was just a month or so after the whole Great Break-Up of 2002, and I was still raw and miserable and lonely. Graduating should have been a fun occasion, it should have marked a milestone, it should have been a joyous day, but it wasn't. All I could think about that day was the sinking feeling that I just wasted 4.5 years of my life and now I was going to have to pay.

You know.. right now, 2 years later, I have different feelings about the situation, obviously. Lately, I have caught myself thinking how nice it would be if Matt found him a nice girl to settle down with and then we can make a clean break, no hurt feelings. Because right now? I'm not seeing a future for us. Unless he really and truly steps up and shows me that he's serious about wanting to make me happy, then I just don't think we can make this work.

My thoughts have also been drifting to the fact that our relationship, from the very beginning, has not been based on love and trust at all. Before I ever got too attached, way back in October of 97 when we were just starting out, he told me that he wasn't going to commit until he knew I was the one. I was stupidly willing to go along with that because I had never met anyone like him, someone who told me the truth no matter what the cost. There was girl after girl, rumor after rumor, and I tried to look away and justify it somehow, but it never got any easier.

In November of 2000, he sacked up and finally commited to me. A few months later he met The Girl and showed me how much commitment really meant to him, which is actually basically nothing, at least with me. We continued our random relationship for another few years after that until he truly broke up with me for The Girl in October of 2002. He was comitted to her, totally and completely, because she might have really been the one for him. She did things I couldn't in the 5 years we were together. She was his intellectual equal, and I was just not able to be that person for him.

That was a tangent, but yeah.. we've never had a stable relationship. We never had equality. Most of my friends over the years probably still think he's a fictional character because they've never met him because he's so "unsocial." I love the guy - he's been my best friend for forever now and we shared a lot of amazing experiences together. But now I'm making friends and having intense crushes on other people and most importantly, I'm finally allowing myself to believe that this relationship just might not be the greatest thing in the world for me.

Now, I talk big about that, but what am I going to do about it? I don't see myself having a conversation with him about it until I'm in a new relationship, and who knows when the hell that will ever happen? Church Boy still hasn't called me. Yes, he IS busy, but one thing I've learned recently that if I was on his mind, he'd be calling me. And.. he's not. I keep hanging on to the fact that there might be something there because I KNOW that our relationship would not be based on lies, but perhaps on a mutal respect and friendship, and that excites me. I want that.

Anyway, that was again a tangent, but I guess the point of this entry is to say that 2 years ago today was really not a happy point in my life, but at least I've grown from the experience. At least I can look back and say, "Thank God I'm not like that anymore." But of course a part of me still is like that. That sinking feeling I had when I was sitting on my folding chair in the auditorium of my college, the one that said I was going to have some major problems with the next few years of my life, that feeling was right.

But hey! Ironically, today I have my second interview, so maybe I'll be able to turn that around. You know.. irony and such. Like when I got fired from the GM job the day I was orginally going to move back to Dallas.

Random Axl picture of the day:

Mmmm.. Axl tattoos.

In other news, last night I stayed home and cleaned my room. It was a very satisfying feeling to have a lovely clean room. Tonight I'm going to force myself to clean the bathroom. It won't be pretty. After that, my roomate and I watched the first half of The Five People You Meet In Heaven, which I was assured would make completely fall apart and cry. So far, I'm not so impressed. I'll keep you posted.

This is making me tear up a little today. I'm easy.

Happiness and flowers.

*****

2 years ago...
"I am do freaking drunk right now, you juswt can't understand. I had 3 margaristas~ and I graduating too. Can you image? me and dorkus boy and old friend, shlpppiong fr p-orn when I'm drunk? I can't imangine anyting better., to tell you the dtrutyh."