No heat but I won Nano!

November 30, 2006

Ah, sweet release.

I just finished about 15 minutes ago. I gotta say, I've never cut it so close to the wire before. This is the fourth time I've won Nano. The first time I finished in like...2 weeks. But, I finished, 50,209 words, it's a pile of crap but that's what editing is for! And I feel like my grandmother would be proud. Although it doesn't exactly portray her in the greatest light, but it's the true light.

OMG, my eyes hurt. I'm sure it's from typing for 8 hours straight at work and then typing another 3 hours straight at home. Ouch.

Speaking of home, my happy little apartment is quite lovely and wonderful. But, it's that time in Texas where we all freak the fuck out because it's 27 degrees and nobody knows quite how to handle it. Oh, and apparently I have no heat in this apartment. The red bar thingie won't go past 60 degrees even though I have the switchie thing turned up to nearly 90.

It's possible I could call emergency maintenance to come fix it, but like...I don't know, I think I'm trying to be hardcore about it or something. I know they'll fix it in the next couple of days. It just sucks to be without heat on the coldest day of the year. I'm not exagerrating, people! It SNOWED today! Actual snowflakes were falling! And that's just not cool here in Texas.

But, whatevs. November is almost over. I finally moved, I finally finished my novel, so now it's all about focusing on the things that are really important, like working out, buying and receiving Christmas presents, and just totally rocking out. I have to unpack, of course, but I can always bribe Josh to do it for me.

December 16th is our one year anniversary, by the way. I know, I can't believe it either.

Okay, both my eyes and my fingers are failing me, so Kirk out. Here's a little taste of the ending for all my fans out there.

�Anastasia, you know I love you. But I am ready to go. I wish the good Lord was ready to take me up, because I�m ready to go.�

�Well, mother, there must be a reason why you�re still here. You must have something else to accomplish on this earth.�

�If I do, I don�t know what it is. I�m done. I�m used up.�

�What do you mean, Mama?�

�For God sakes, look at me, Anastasia! My legs are swollen. My stomach is huge and it�s because of the medications I�m taking. I feel so bad every single day. I�m almost 90 years old, you know.�
Not quite. Somewhere along the way, we figured out my mom was actually 5 years younger than she claimed to be. Why she wanted to appear older, none of us knew.

�I told you once that beauty was all I have, didn�t I? Well, look at me now. I don�t even have that anymore. There�s no reason for me to be here anymore. I�m not beautiful.�

In reality, my mother was still striking as an older lady. She never let her hair go gray. Whenever she saw one speck of gray, she�d have me go out and buy more color. She always had her lipstick on. Her body was nothing like it used to be, but it was still presentable. Anyone who looked at her could tell she was once a certified beauty.

When I told her that, she shook her head.

�Maybe I used to be, but I�m not anymore. I feel so useless, Anastasia. I feel so old. I wish He would take me now.�

In that moment, I realized what my mother�s demon was. The demon that haunted her for her entire life was beauty. She both coveted it and hated it. She embraced it while she condemned it. Beauty was what defined her. And since she liked and understood that definition, she never tried to define herself any other way. So when beauty eluded her and made her feel ugly, she no longer felt she was any use to the world.

�I wasted my life, Anastasia. I could have been something important, but I wasted it all on looks.�

�Mama, you�re beautiful. You always have been, you always will be.�

�I wish I felt the same way, darling.� We looked into each other�s eyes and had a moment of understanding.

2 years later, she became sicker than usual. We hired a caregiver and all of us kids tried to spend as much time as we could with her. She went from giving long speeches about her life, about Andrew, about Preston, about meeting Henry for the first time, to barely being able to talk at all.

She lost control of her bodily functions and her caregiver, Charlotte, had to take care of that for her.

It was breaking my heart to see my mother in this condition, but we all knew she was ready to go. My brothers and I knew she wasn�t trying to hang on anymore. Ever since Melissa died, a big part of my mother died right along with her. And now, in her last days, she didn�t want to fight it anymore.

When I came back from getting coffee to find my mother had finally passed away, before the funeral home came to pick her up, I bent down and whispered in her ear, �You�re beautiful.�

Happy, eh?