Smiling for no apparent reason.

November 16, 2004

Signs I'm living in an alternate universe:

* I am extremely and strangely obscenely happy. For no apparent reason.

* The thought of not having Matt in my future actually kind of excites me and doesn't depress me.

* I can't stop smiling - for no apparent reason.

* I didn't eat much for lunch and only had yogurt for dinner.

* I prepared for my job interview tomorrow TODAY, including printing out a map to the place and making copies of articles I wrote for the newspaper. I am scarily efficient.

* I hung out with my small group tonight and contributed lots to the conversation without seeming to be:
a. emotionally retarded
b. better than everyone else.

* There might be an actual, genuine chance that I will be going on a date in the near future, and that thought doesn't terrify me like it used to.

I'm watching one of my favorite Friends episodes, one of the few that actually makes me all emotional.. the one when Joey and Rachel go on a date, and then Joey starts having feelings for her, and then at the end they watch Cujo, and Rachel is all, "Aren't you scared?" And Joey is all "I'm terrified." I LOVE this one! RAWR!

So, Church Boy. It seems like I'm planting the seed, and the seed is growing!

After church tonight, Church Boy suggested we all go and get ice cream. I followed him over there, and as soon as we got to the place and before we even opened the door, he said, "So, how are things going with Matt?"

Oh man, I almost did a cartwheel because I've been waiting to have this conversation with him for weeks! Just seconds earlier I was on the phone with my mom, and she was all, "Be sure to slip in the fact that you're not seeing Matt anymore!" And I was all, "I know! I'll be sure to do that!"

So, I took my chance. I told him that it was pretty much over, and I was ready to pronounce it dead. I said I was over it, and I was ready to date other people. Woo! I got it out! I planted the seed in his mind that I am out there, ready to be swept off my feet!

After we had all settled in with our ice cream, the married people started talking about setting him up with someone, and then asked him what his type was. He said he likes a girl who goes to church, who's not afraid to party.. okay, so far, so good. But then he said he wants a "girl next door" type, and my heart kinda sank. I REALLY don't see myself as a girl next door kind of chick. Do any of you?

I kept trying to send mind signals to all the people in the group that didn't quite get the fact that he's a boy, I'm a girl, we're both single, I'm 3 months older than him, we like the same music.. hello! Here I am! Make the connection, people!

I kinda feel like he gets me, you know? It might just be the kind of person he is.. he takes an interest in everyone. But he asked me how my novel was going, and when I told him (36,400 and going strong, thank you), he said, "Have you ever thought about publishing something professionally?" Or whatever. And it's like he really took an interest in the things that I like to do! And he said, "I always love reading your emails, they're always so interesting!"

I mean, come on.. there's interest there! There has to be! He wants me! I will be patient. It will come when I least expect it. Honestly, I was almost disappointed when he didn't ask me out tonight. I was almost expecting him to because my life is just going in that kind of direction lately.

I don't know what the deal is.. it is kind of odd that now that I'm making a bigger effort to go to church and be more Godly, good things are starting to happen and I feel really good about life in general. I don't know what it is, but seriously? I haven't been this happy in fucking years!

I feel like my two year journey of finding myself without Matt has come to a close. Thinking about not marrying him and not spending the rest of my life with him is not scary anymore. I'm comfortable with that. I don't even know that if he actually stepped up and showed an interest in anything I do that I would want to pursue it.

I can talk big like that right now because he's so busy lately he can barely breath, much less think about the status of my dating life. I'm sure that in January, when things calm down, he might look up and think, "Hey, what the hell happened to our relationship?!" And then again, he might not.

Anyway. Whatever. I'm happy, and in a pure and good way. I almost feel like Jerry Maguire, when he was all happy in the beginning because he was a big sports agent and made lots of money and such, but then he lost everything, but then in the end he was happy for all the right reasons. You know? I feel like that right now.

But, I also reserve the right to collapse into tears at any given moment. Because that's just how I am.

He also scored some BIG points when we were talking about music and he said the first album he remembers buying was Use Your Illusion 1! That is my FAVORITE album OF ALL TIME! He digs GN'R! HELLO! WE WERE MEANT TO BE!!

I will shut up now, but you know.. it feels good to brag sometimes.