Making love to you might drive me crazy!

October 24, 2004

Hey man! I'm feeling some journalistic pride right now because I just looked on my school's journalism website because that's what I do, and I saw that one of the people I interviewed when I was working for the paper passed away, and they had a link to the story I wrote about him right there on the front page! They don't have my name on it, though. I was thinking about writing an email to them to ask to put my name on it, but I suppose it would be nicer of me to like, respect the dead and such. But yay pride!

There are currently two Tom Hanks movies on TV right now! We have Philadelphia and we have Sleepless in Seattle. I don't know about you, but Sleepless in Seattle is winning in my household.

Velver Revolver is in town right now for The Freaker's Ball. That means Slash is somewhere in Dallas, walking around with his top hat and Jack Daniels. There is a disturbance in the atmosphere, people. Slash and Duff are somewhere within 100 miles of me. *drool*

So, farm. I had a lovely time, as usual. Puppies, horsies, golf carts, mud, comfy bed, and yes.. Farm Guy. It's all good, people. All good.

We had a birthday party for Farm Guy's daughter, who turned 13 last week. She really was quite unappreciative of every gift she got, especially the bike that her dad got for her, which was really sad to see. She looked at it like it was some kind of alien, didn't even say thanks, and went back inside to flirt with the boy she's totally in love with.

On one hand, it was slightly horrifying to see how uninterested she was in what was going on. But also, I REMEMBER what it was like to be 13 years old, and I seriously sympathized with her. When I was 13, I had really horrible hair, my parents were months away from getting divorced, I had developed a really interesting shoplifting habit, and I couldn't attract a guy to save my life. I sympathize with the plight of the newly teenaged. It's not easy out there! And plus, having the boy she's all in love with at the party probably added a big embarrasment factor for her. Another thing to add to that.. every single person at that party knows she's in love with this boy. I just wouldn't be able to handle that.

Anyway. I spent an hour and a half at the mall to find her a stupid present on Friday night. Seriously. This girl and I have traded maybe 15 words in our entire life and I spent like $30 on her birthday presents. There are 2 reasons for this:

1. I wanted to show her dad that I care about his kids!
2. I wanted to show her that I was 13 once too, and I know she's hardcore, and I want her to know that I understand how she's hardcore and that I take her seriously because I too was hardcore at her age.

So, I got her some skull earrings from Hot Topic, which illicited a whole "I like these!" from her. I got two t-shirts, those wordy t-shirts that seem to be all the rage among elite teens these days. One of them said "Daddy's Girl" and the other said "Love Hurts".. she acted like she liked them. I think I did a good job in understanding the plight of the 13-year-old girl.

As far as Farm Guy goes, yeah, I'm way past lust and obsession on this now, but I'm not sure if it's quite into the "I'm totally in love with him" phase yet. Is there a name for that phase?

I don't know how long I'll be able to not say anything to him about it. I know he still has no idea. It's just that we always come on weekends when he has his kids and I feel weird with rocking the flirt. I still want to stay with the whole waiting a year before I actually say the words out loud "I like you lottttsss" because, yeah. That's just the negotiations I've made with myself. I did get a goodbye hug today, which was all kinds of squishy.

And Donna (Donna and I have become quite the conspirators lately.. she's the only one at the farm who knows about this obsession, so she's become my confidant.. it's nice to have a future stepmother that I can talk to) asked if it wasn't just a little but fun. Yeah man! It is fun to have a crush on him. It gives me something to do when I'm bored. It gives me something to look forward to during the week.. "I get to see Farm Guy in 2 weeks!" And it's kind of dangerous fun to have such a massive crush on someone I'm really not supposed to have a massive crush on. You know? I know.

In completely different news, yesterday I started Little Earthquakes by Jennifer Weiner (who wrote Good in Bed, one of the greastest books EVER), and I'm almost done. It's like a 400 page book. I read fast. And it's just that good.

And hey, as an afterthought, two years ago today is the day my life changed forever: I got dumped. And it sucks because I didn't even really realize that he was in fact dumping me. It took me until practically Dec. 23, when I learned he had a new girlfriend, to finally realize it was over.

The fact that it happened 2 years ago, and that my life hasn't been the same since.. it doesn't mean a lot to me at this point. It doesn't make me contemplative. (Well, I guess it kinda does, or I wouldn't be talking about it so much.) It doesn't.. mean anything. I told Donna about it and she said I was totally different than I was before, and yeah, I am. But it's hard for me to think about that without thinking about the horrible crushing heartbreaking pain I went through to get where I am today. I'm okay now. But I wasn't back then. At all.

I just remember this certain Friday in November when I went to the farm and could hardly keep myself from crying the whole night, crawling under a blanket with Stepbrother and watching Charlie Brown with him, trying not to think about the fact that maybe for the first time in 5 years, Matt was at a high school football game without me.

I made him my whole life, and that was a mistake. I will not make that mistake again, because I don't want to be in that kind of pain again.

From 2 years ago...
"And it's true. I don't. I'm going to have some rude awakenings coming up, and I'm looking forward to that. Maybe it'll break me out of this funk that I've been in for so long. Maybe it'll help me relate more to humans, that sure would be nice. I want to make something happen. I want to be fucking proud of myself, for once. And I don't know how to do that. It's a little depressing so I just don't think about it, causing me to sink into the world I've made for myself, and there you go. My own little fabricated world, made for me and only me, where I'm stuck until I can get the nuts to bust out of here.

This week is going to be all about The Job. I will do everything in my power to get The Job. I will call on Tuesday afternoon if they haven't called by then for an interview. I'll write a thank-you note and mail it the next day. I'll call 2 days later to check on the status. I'm going to show them that I want it, that I will be good for it, and I will give them everything I have. I want this job, people. BAD.

Nanowrimo starts in a week and a day! I really haven't sat down and made a plan for it, and I really don't want to. I have a basic plan - it's about a groupie and it's about her soulmate, because every Nano story I've written is truly about soulmates. One of the bands, I'm not sure if it's the main band, will be called the Spider Muffins. I think another will involve the moon somehow, like Darkmoon or something. I'm really excited about this, as I always am. Third year, baby! Three novels is a good thing.

I'm going to shut up and watch the Cowboys game now.

*****

a year ago..
"And I know that even if we don't get back together, it'll get easier from here. I now know how every major holiday feels without him. I know how it feels when he calls me at 1 am when the girl he dumps me for cheats on him. I know how it feels to kiss him after 8 months of believing that I'd never kiss him again. I know how it feels to have more time with him, and to really, really cherish that time because I thought our time had run out."

2 years ago...
"And I felt bad about saying that, because I know perfectly well why we haven't gotten engaged yet. I'm lagging behind. I'm walking behind him with my security blanket trailing along the ground, sucking my thumb, looking for someone to solve all my problems for me. He's tried. He tried by being an asshole, he tried by being nice, but I still can't get my shit together. I still lag through life, looking for the easy way of doing things, waiting for someone to give me my next assignment. It's a crappy way to live, it really is. And I think BB feels the same way.. we're both kind of crapping our way through life, although he's doing it in a better way, by actually having a job and actually making good grades."

3 years ago..
"I love college. Where else could you go to a "Safer Sex" Halloween party? You go there, you get a "Safe Sex Kit." How cool is that? Good times, I tell ya!"