I am not a normal person.

October 26, 2004

Right now I'm trying to download "Rock On" by 80's hottie Michael Damien. If that doesn't make me cool, I don't know what does.

Blah blah work blah. Today I am folding 200 bright orange "We're Moving!" announcements, sticking them in the envelope, sealing the envelope, and putting a return address sticker on the envelope. Next will be postage and the actual address! I can't wait!

Just between you and me, I really don't mind it. It makes me feel like I'm an actual benefit to the company, right? If I wasn't doing the stuffing, someone else would have to and that would take away from their producitivity. So, I feel like I am being used properly today. However, I wish to be used in a more creative and intellectually stimulating way, but what can ya do sometimes? I'm working on the job thing. I have been for a long, long time and it just hasn't worked out for me yet. So, here I am, stuffing envelopes, because that's what you're supposed to do when you spend 4.5 years in college getting a journalism degree.

I sound grumpy today. I guess I am.. I'm feeling a bit lonely for really no apparent reason at all. It happens.

Something else to be annoyed about: The Breeder's Cup is in Dallas this weekend, and my dad knows that I am all about the horseracing. That's how we bond! By gambling on horses! But he isn't taking me. He's taking, among other people and instead of me, Farm Guy! I mean, how does that work, man? I wanna go. Preferably with Farm Guy. But that's not going to happen.

Not that I can really go this weekend anyway.. I already committed money and promised that I would drive some of my small group to the retreat at Lake Texoma. But I can't promise you that I wouldn't ditch that promise just to go to Lone Star Park on Saturday. I know, I know.. it's a sickness.

And I've kinda been thinking about this.. Farm Guy is just the newest addition to my strange boy crush collection. In my 25 years, it is rare that I like a boy that everyone else likes. When I first heard the song "Insensitive" by Jann Arden, there was a line in the song that made me play it over and over and over again because I identified with it so much..

"I'm one of the chosen few who went ahead and fell for you..."

Yeah. That describes pretty much every single crush I've ever had. That describes my decade-long obsession with one Mr. Axl W. Rose. I mean, sure.. lots of girls loved him when he was popular and pretty, but what about when he went into obscurity and keeps promising us an album that might never ever come out? Where are those girls now? They surely don't have Guns N Roses stickers on their cars. They aren't buying GN'R watches at Hot Topic.

And I can give you a list of all the boys I've dated that were Bad Boys with a capital B, boys that the other girls were too smart to fall for. My very first boyfriend had a mullet, dropped out of school at age 15, was always running from the cops, always fighting with his dad, and who knows where the rest of his family was. With me, if your parents are still together, if you had a normal upbringing, hell, if there's anything normal about you, I don't want anything to do with you. And that's so weird! It's not supposed to be that way! I had a relatively normal, stable background with lots of family around all the time, so why do I fall for all these strange boys?

With Farm Guy, he's not exactly someone I would fall for on paper. He's 12 years older than me, has 3 kids, has a seedy past involving drug and alcohol addiction, lives in Bumfuck Texas, has the biggest Texas accent of all time, and is practically corporately sponsored by my dad. But, on the other hand.. he's really smart in a "learned from life experiences" kind of way, he's cute, he has the most gorgeous eyes ever, he fits in with every single person he meets (something I never, and WILL never, be able to do), he's a really talented person in whatever he chooses to do, he's a good dad, and he's just SO NICE. It was really only a matter of time before I realized I had feelings for him.

I am okay with the fact that I am quirky and I will never have a "normal" boyfriend. Even Matt is the complete antithesis of normal, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I do sometimes crave normalcy, like in my roommate's situation.. she spends lots of time with her boyfriend, and they do stuff like see movies, go out to dinner, spend family time together, have cats together, help each other move, etc. That must be nice. But it's not me. I like the boys that don't come to the junior high school dance, remember? I like the Jordan Catalano's of the world. Although he did show up to the World Happiness dance and he and Angela had that whole "Why are you like this?" chat that I love so much. But, I digress.

What I'm really saying is that I'm prepared to not have a normal adult life. If that means that Matt is never going to have a conventional job and that we have Thanksgiving pizza instead of turkey, that's fine. If it means I have to move to Will's Point and live in a trailer with Farm Guy and commute to Dallas everyday while he goes and makes the farm pretty, well, that doesn't really appeal to me, but I'm sure we can work something out. I am not a normal person, and that is okay with me.

Speaking of not normal, I've been spending a great deal of time today taking a piece of tape and taking my fingerprints. Too much CSI.

Also, there's only 5 days left in October and it's making me feel squishy. Nothing life changing has happened yet, and that's just not right. SOMETHING ALWAYS HAPPENS IN OCTOBER! WHERE IS IT?!

The Benefactor ended last night. I know nobody else was watching it except me, but I was watching the whole 5 weeks it was on. Mark Cuban is a lunatic, but I love him anyway, even if his show really absolutely made zero sense sometimes. I really wanted Linda to win, but Femia did because Linda lied and could probably afford to buy her mom a new leg but hasn't because she sucks. Soo, there ya go.

Dude, Nano! It's fast approaching! I am so so excited. It's always nice to be all creative up in here.

I miss my Charlie.

That is all.

*****

a year..
"Also, I got my eyebrows waxed today. The dude who did it, while putting gloves on, said "Oooh, I put a small glove on my medium hand! It's like putting a sausage in a too-tight casing!" Huh?! Is it really necessary for me to then imagine his penis the whole time he's ripping the hair off my face? That just wasn't right."

2 years...
"The bottom line is that he wants to see what will happen if he doesn't have me as a crutch. He wants to have a situation where I'm not there so he has to get up out of his comfortable situation and see what else is happening in the world. And you know.. I need to do that too. I need to see what it's like when I don't have the excuse, "Oh, I can't, I'm hanging out with BB." Because that is an excuse I've been carrying around for a long, long time."

3 years ago, I was in Reno. Lucky bitch.