Job ranting, lots of church, and such.

December 02, 2004

I haven't done any old fashioned job bitching lately, so let's go old school here for a moment:

Dude, seriously? I know my job situation is of fascination to you, and I understand and appreciate it. But BELIEVE me, if anything in my situation changes, that will, by all means, be the first thing I tell you when I talk to you. Asking me, for the 500th time in our conversations together since we've known each other, how my job search is going? I don't like that anymore. Because I graduated 2 years ago, and that's how long this frenzied, soul sucking, ego erasing, bottom feeding job search has lasted. I know, it really is quite pathetic. I know.. you could probably find a job a lot faster than I have. Well, good! You probably didn't waste your college years away following around some crap monkey like a little puppy! You probably took initiatve and had some kind of job or internship! I didn't! And now I'm competing against you and all the other overacheivers of the world for a good job!

So, the point? I will tell you if anything changes. For now, nothing has changed. Yes, I am STILL working for my dad and he is STILL giving me guilt trips about how the other chicks that work here might not get bonuses this year because I'm taking all the available money. Also, I somehow managed to stay out of office politics for about 8 months, but now I seem to be in the middle of it. My co-worker has actually called me on my cell phone to bitch about my boss. My boss was just bitching about my co-worker being sick today. And I'd hate to hear what they say about me when I'm not around.

I'm so, so very tired of Monster.com. Seriously.

Okay then.

Next subject: I hate when I ask a question and everybody ignores it! I want real feedback here, people! My question is: I told Church Boy on Tuesday that if he wanted to take a break from the traveling and the studying this month, he should give me a call. Do you think that's an obvious "Hello, I want to hang out with you more, and eventually have your babies?" kind of thing, or more of a "Hey, let's be friends and hang out!" kind of thing? I'm new at this. I don't know these things.

In other news, last night I went to a new small group. It's the same group I attempted to join 6 months ago, but I didn't at the time, for a few reasons. One reason is that every single girl in this group is a teacher and I'm not. Another reason is that these girls had been in this group for like a year, and that kinda freaked me out. But I went yesterday because it's a new study they are doing, and some new people joined along with them! Exciting, huh?

It just reminded me how much I've changed in the last 6 months. The last time I went to this group, I kinda blended in and didn't talk much and had a problem with my social retardation. This time, I communicated with everyone and had a lovely time. I learned what a small world Dallas is: two of the girls are teachers at the elementary school I went to, and one of those girls was actually best friends with Claire in junior high and I actually remember having a speech class with her. Plus, half the girls are in my Sunday School class at church that I mainly just joined because Church Boy goes, but I am now seeing how beneficial it is.

So, okay, I was so comfortable with these girls that I made what will probably be a very unnecessary mistake. I told them about my "crush" on Church Boy. Yeah, half the girls know him. My junior high friend actually went running with him a few weeks ago. I just have to hope that since we're in our mid 20's and we're all relatively smart people, gossip won't be high on their list. I'm not going to be there on Sunday, so I can just see this herd of girls surrounding Church Boy and telling him that I want to have his babies. That won't happen, will it? I mean, we're all smarter than that, right? We're not teenagers anymore... RIGHT?

I'm such a loser!

But I mean.. I'm just so happy that somehow I seem to have been blessed lately with the art of communication. Like.. I can talk to people now! I can relate to people! I don't sit in the corner and keep to myself anymore! I can't pinpoint the exact second that this transformation occured in my life, but it probably had something to do with the retreat. I don't know what it was about that retreat, but it apparently changed something in me. And I am oh so grateful for that.

I know I've said this before, but to actually see progress happening in my life when for YEARS there was nothing.. it's just such a relief. I can see myself really getting involved in church and meeting all these people and and and.. I am optimistic about my future.

Also, I would go on a whole thing about how I was destined to be at this church because of weird random events, but I'll save that for another time because I'm boring myself and probably everyone else, as well.

Also, my credit card was declined at the christian bookstore yesterday. Yay me!

I'm going to Austin on Saturday. It will be very good times, I would imagine. Matt is in Austin right now doing secret shopping, and he called me and left a message about how bad the traffic is. Uh, yeah, dumbass. Welcome to Austin, the most craptastic traffic (wow.. such a good name for a band!) capital of the entire Earth.

I think I get to see Mike, my bank boyfriend, today. Which is unfortunate because I kinda look like shit. But.. rock out with your cock out anyway.

*****

a year ago..
"You know what Austin is? Austin is my soulmate that I can't be with because the relationship is just too powerful. Austin is the city I can't have because I'm just destined to not ever have it."

2 years...
"How do people do this? How do people fight the pain when it's threatening to get out of control? I've never had this kind of pain before. I know that sounds dramatic, but I just.. haven't. I feel like a part of me has been cut into and surgically removed. I mean, that's what happened, right?"

3 years..
"Crazy Friend gave me some pictures she took on our Oklahoma trip, and it's really just shocking at how much in denial I am. When I'm going to McDonalds for yet another breakfast bagel, I think to myself, "Ahh, I'm not that fat! I look good, damnit." Well, these pictures tell otherwise. I hate pictures. Damn pictures!"