Being churchy.

December 01, 2004

So last night wasn't as squishy as I wanted it to be, but there were sopapillas involved, so that made it all better.

I was nervous all day for some reason. I did that thing where I made myself so nervous that my stomach was starting to do flippy things and that almost made me want to throw up.

I left work early so my roomate and I could renew our lease. That was actually pretty exciting.. we're going to be there at least another 6 months. Remember what an event signing a new lease was in Austin? Yeah. But it still was pretty cool. I like that my roomate hasn't gotten tired of me yet. That rocks.

So anyway. Ali-Kat joined me in my church quest, and I am oh so grateful that she did. I was pretty much the only person who brought somebody with me, so I'm sure that earns me some extra points with certain people. I'm all about the extra points.

Since it was the last night of our little group, it was just pretty much a time to reflect on the past couple of months and what it meant to us. As we all know, I was going to take this opportunity to assault Church Boy and say something to the effect of "Hey! I like you! Let's do stuff!"

I took my opportunity when he got up to get some water. I hauled ass over there and just as he was going to walk away, I apprehended him. I was all, "So, if you ever want to take a break from the studying or the traveling, give me a call!" And well... I guess I caught him by surprise. Or I horrified him. Whatever it was, it didn't have the desired effect that I was hoping for.. he didn't drop his water, embrace me, and whisper in my ear, "It's about time!" He just kinda nodded, with this strange smile on his face, and said, "Oh.. okay!" Or something like that.

Ali-Kat said she was watching him when we first came in and when we were talking, and when I was talking to the old chick sitting next to me, she said that he was looking at me like, you know.. he liked me and was interested in what I had to say. And he's looked at me like that before, and.. I dunno, really. I thought I sent vibes through appropriate vibe channels, and I thought I was also receiving some of those vibes, but I wasn't feeling it last night at all! The same thing happened with Farm Guy last weekend! What's going on? Have I.. LOST MY MOJO?

Well, whatever. We'll just see how it goes. What do you guys think? Do you think me asking him to call me, and thereby giving him my number, is kinda like saying, "HEY, I LIKE YOU!" Or could it also have been a friendship thing? TELL ME! I DON'T FUCKING KNOW THESE THINGS!

It's the first time I've EVER been subtle about liking someone, and it's all new to me. In the past, I've always told them, or sent them a note, or had somebody else tell them. This is the first time I've taken initative to try to get something going in a non-psycho way. It's all very new and refreshing and I'm not really sure if I handled it properly.

Whatever! The rest of the night was pretty cool. We all stood up in the front and talked about what the class meant to us. After we were done, the guy in charge said we should all write something down to the effect of what we all just said, and then he looked at me and said, "And maybe Elizabeth, with her journalism degree, can edit it!" So like, he put me in charge to edit whatever this thing is going to be with all our testimonies, and that really did make me feel squishy inside, for him and everyone else to have so much confidence in my abilities.

I've been a part of a lot of small groups in my life and they each have had their own impact. The first one I joined, way back in 2000, was where I met Natalie and when I really started my interest in church. They changed me in their own way.. I finally started making friends and doing something else in my life aside from being with Matt every single second I possibly could. The second one that affected me was, of course, the girls in Austin. I have no idea what I would have done with those girls.. they really saved me from whatever I could have gotten myself into at the time. And then these guys.. it's only been a few months, but I really feel like we bonded, especially during the retreat. They have really made me feel confident in my abilities, especially Church Boy, who almost went out of his way to make me feel smart and creative and good at what I do.

So, yay for church people. The leader is really excited about me being a small group leader for the next group, and I'm pretty excited about that too, but also way nervous. I'm a follower, not a leader! It doesn't look too hard, but yeah.. it's all about taking it to the next level.

Also, I'm going to a new small group that starts tonight. It's all very strange, this joining things and meeting new people thing. Four years ago, when I was ass-deep in the whole "I love Matt and that's all that matters" stage of my life.. I would always have to consider him in every single decision I made. I would be hesitant to join anything because I had to check to see if that was our night to do stuff. On Monday, I had to go to his house and make tacos so we could eat them while watching wrestling. On Wednesday, I'd go to his friend's parents house to watch Dawson's Creek and baseball. On Thursday, more wrestling. Friday, high school football. I'd never have time to make friends because it was always all about him.

So.. it's just a relief that now I can do things whenever I want, and I don't have to give a shit about hurting anyone's feelings about it. Now, don't get me wrong.. if I got another boyfriend, I would love to spend much time with him. But until then.. I'm enjoying signing up for all kinds of stuff without having to worry about what night its on.

/end mini rant.

After the church thing was over, Ali-Kat and I mexican food-enabled each other and had some good food that was all very high in cholesterol, fat, and calories. Sopapillas were involved. If you don't know what those are, then.. you're missing out!

I heard Don't Cry and Civil War on the radio on Monday. I screamed with joy when I heard Don't Cry, seriously! I only hear that song on the radio maybe once every couple of years, so it's like.. an event! Very exciting.

I'm hungry. I would like some Taco Bell.

Also, we've been really busy today and I've been like.. doing stuff. That's why I started this at 10:13 and it's now 1:30.

Also, I would like to send an extra special shout-out to the one and only Ali-Kat. Thank you SO MUCH for coming with me last night. I love that you have always had a part in the big events in my life. And I love how easy it is to talk to you, and how we share a big chunk of our teenagehood together, and you know.. other smushy stuff. Thanks for being there, girly. I appreciate that more than you know.

Rock on.

*****

a year ago...
"I can say with a lot of confidence that I don't feel that way anymore. It's almost been a year, and I have proven to myself that I don't need him or any other boyfriend to keep myself entertained. He once said that he wants to be a part of my life, not my whole life. And you know what? I think I'm ready for that right now. I think I can honestly say that when I go back to Dallas, I will have my own life. I'll have my own job, my own social life, my own friends, and I will hopefully have him somewhere in there too."

2 years..
"I think I need to stop cussing so much.

I came to this conclusion when, on Thursday night, I got up in a room full of my family and loudly announced, "MY WHOLE FUCKING FAMILY IS FALLING APART! I CAN FUCKING CRY IF I WANT TO!"

3 years...
"Then, feeling like a jackass, I chased him back down and reached into my jacked and gave him 20 dollars, and then raced away after he said "God Bless you!" I just felt dumb giving this nice cold guy 50 cents when I was just going to waste that 20 dollars on something useless in the long run, anyway. I feel like it was a good deed. And hey, I admit it, I wanted the karma points. What was that, like 2 points maybe? Give them to me, damnit!"