Not hardcore enough to be hardcore.

October 28, 2004

New layout good? Or new layout bad? I think it's groovish and the Metallica one was a little too hardcore. Metallica rocks, but as we all know, I am a GN'R gurl. I felt like I was cheating on Axl.

So yesterday I went to the mall and checked out that which is Torrid. Torrid is apparently the big girl version of Hot Topic.. they are actually owned by them. After being in the store for 5 minutes, I decided that maybe Hot Topic and Torrid are a little too hardcore for me, and well, that makes me sad.

I really do wish I could be hardcore on a day to day basis, wearing whatever I want, being all "Fuck you! This is who I am!" to everyone around me, but the sad truth is that I am just not in an enviornment that is conducive to that kind of lifestyle at this point in my life. Maybe if I didn't have my head up my ass in college, if I actually gave a fuck about what I looked like (and looking back, I seriously DID NOT care about my appearance for a record number of years.. it's sad, really), I could have pulled off the hardcore thing. But now, that ship has sailed, and here I am in the real world.

I wish I had the balls/energy/motivation to just really be who I am, REALLY let the freak flag fly, but at this point.. oh well. So I show my hardcoreness in little ways. Today I am wearing my Grown Up Work Outfit, but I also have on blue nail polish. I'll wear nice clothes, but I'll also wear my marroon Doc Martens or my big black boots with my nice pants. It's all about compromise, people. That's all I'm saying.

I did buy a push up bra at Lane Bryant, and I can't WAIT to get home and tear this fucker off. It hurts. And my boobs are too uneven to really make a difference unless I do a strategic squishing my arms together to put the boobs together. I know some of you know what I'm talking about. Holla.

*****

I don't really have any other things of interest today, except to be a pop culture whore:

- The West Wing is really getting fucked. What the hell are they doing to poor, poor Leo? *Sigh* Aaron Sorkin, how you have forsaken thee.

- CSI tonight! YAY!

- Don't look if you're the creepy stalker type, but this is apparently where I'll be staying at my fun church retreat tomorrow through Sunday. I am actually looking forward to it.. I can do a little Nano prep, I can read my book on interviewing, I can ponder why the hell I can't stay on a diet to save my life, etc. It should be fun.

- There goes Matt again, talking about going to Vegas in December. Except hey, I'm in the real world now and hey! That's not going to happen.

- I wish to link Amblus because she linked me today, although it was in a very mean Slash-dissing way.

*****

a year ago..
"And you know what? I'm almost glad that I had to clean the dumpster. It feels good. It feels like I'm doing something productive. It feels like karma is paying me back for the shit I did in college (mainly doing nothing in college, that is), and I'm taking it like a man. It's very humbling. It's great, actually. I love being relegated to the tasks nobody else wants to do. I almost feel like I deserve it."

2 years..
(an email from Matt)
"The bottom line? During this time.. you need to do what you truly want to do. Not what you think I would think is best, not what you think I would want, but what you want. If your heart pulls you to Austin, or Vegas, or California, or New Mexico.. go. Evolve the way you should have, instead of you perceiving me holding you back or doing something for me. That's the whole concept of me wanting time apart. To rediscover things. You might come back and I might be engaged to someone else.. I might be depressed and missing you. I might move to wherever you are to be with you. You don't know what you don't know, and I don't know what that change would be."