Commitment: a thesis

November 03, 2004

Urgh! Blah. Phhttthttt!

First of all, Bush. Woo, four more years of death and war and censorship and conservatism! YAY!!! But now that there's absolutely nothing we can do about it unless we go all John Hinkley without the benefit of impressing Jodie Foster (sorry, I have no idea where that came from), so.. let's just all suck it up, get behind America and our president and just pray that in 4 years, people will wake up and realize that we need to do a better job of preserving our rights to freedom.

Oh, and this means that NOBODY I have ever voted for has EVER won. It's me! I'm cursed.

Okay then! Next subject.. boys.

I am SO.SO tired of being so fucking boy crazy!

Okay, so between the ages of 19-23, I never even looked at another boy. I was so completely in my own little fabricated World O' Matt that I didn't notice anyone else. There was a boy in my astronomy class once that I liked a bit. But other than that, I had major crushes on teachers throughout my years of college and that was it! No other boys! We weren't even commited and I could have done whatever the fuck I wanted with any guy ever, but I didn't do that because I was so HOPELESSLY DEVOTED to Matt!

And now the thought of him wanting to finally settle down and commit is actually frightening to me. The thought of him, and only him, for the rest of my life actually PHYSICALLY scares me! I have to get out there and learn what it's like to date out there in the world. If I never do that, how am I REALLY going to know that Matt is the right guy for me?

And seriously, WHY does he have to be the right guy for me? I gotta tell you, in my head, Church Boy and I already married with lots of babies, and that scenario looks a lot more plausible than the one with Matt.

For one thing, I'm SO FUCKING TIRED of worrying about "being good enough" for Matt. I'm me. I will always be me. That is really not going to change, even if I get my dream job, even if I lose 40 pounds. Yesterday when we were talking, he really did say that he saw no difference in me and that was frustrating, and that's just so bullshitey that I don't even know how to describe how bullshitey that is. He used to say that he wanted to be part of the reason why I was happy about life, not the WHOLE reason. And yes, while at some point in my life he was really all I cared about, right now he's just a tiny little part of it. An annoyance, most of the time, let's just be honest. I used to base my whole entire life around him, and now.. I can go either way, really.

I'm tired of not being good enough for him. What if Church Boy thought I was good enough? What if he liked all the things that Matt doesn't? What if I don't take the chance to see if there really is anybody else out there? That is probably something I will always regret. Right?

Right?

For the past year and a half or so, I've just been noticing boys all over the place. I always used the "I'm too fat to be noticed by them" excuse, and I just need to get over that. Fat girls need love, too! Fat girls need to get them some, too! I just have to get over this weird boy rut I'm in and go out and explore. Matt explored! He had his "other relationship", and it didn't work out for him, but maybe it'll be different for me. But how will I know if I never try?

I'm giving myself a week to do something about Church Boy. It's a new and sparkly crush right now and if it were up to me, I'd probably email him right now (since I don't know his phone number) and be all "GO OUT WITH ME!" I have to pursue this, I really really do. There's not a single reason not to, if I don't count low self confidence, of course. I'm glad I waited to say anything to Farm Guy about my crush on him, because I was smart.. I knew that this wasn't the greatest crush I could have, and I also knew myself well enough to know that the crush could be over in a matter of days. But by next Wednesday, if I'm still thinking about Church Boy, I will physically kick my own ass if I don't do something. Preferably next Tuesday, when I see him again at church.

*sigh* I need to get this boy crazyness out of my system, because it's driving me and everyone else around be crrrraazzy. Matt needs some competition, too. He needs to know that I am a popular commidity, damnit!

/end boy rant.

I think I will probably be getting out of here early today, and Nano, watch out! Muahahaha. Check it out if you have nothing better to do.

Job interview tomorrow! Eeek.

*****

a year ago...
"I was just kinda driving around yesterday when a random thought hit me in the head - I have completely forgotten to be depressed."

3 years...
"But I think that's changing now. I'm really getting into music again. I'm feeling it. I'm closing my eyes and singing it, with my heart. And since I can't go an entry these days without mentioning my obsession with Elton John and the song Original Sin..

"I can't eat, I can't sleep, still I hunger for you when you look at me, that face, those eyes, All the sinful pleasures deep inside.."

I mean, who hasn't felt that way at some point in their lives? Who hasn't felt that way at some point every DAY in their lives about someone? *Sigh* "