Chub face returns!

October 18, 2004

I'm having a low self esteem day. It happens.

You know, I don't get it. When I look in the mirror, I don't really think I'm that bad. A lot of the time I think I'm a babe, really. A lot of the time I'm all "Well, I'm not THAT fat! I'd do me!" I hardly ever look in the mirror and think that I'm just one yucky piece of chunkyness.

But then I see recent pictures of myself and I just cringe. Yuck! That's what the public sees? I bet most of the people don't even see me because I'm just a big floating chunk and we've all tuned ourselves out to people like that, really? Like, here's a picture that terrifies me for a number of reasons. The biggest reason is that Farm Guy took it (at my birthday party last weekend), and it scares me that this is what he sees when he looks at me:

Yikes! I mean other than the really cool color my hair is at that moment, I'm just a big blob of goo! I don't see that gooeyness when I look in the mirror. This is startling to me.

Maybe it's a coping mechanism, this denial that I have when I look in the mirror. Whatever it is, I need to go on a diet. I started one today, and I'm trying not to obsess over every single calorie and everything else that enters my mouth, because I know from experience that that doesn't work. At least for the first month or two of this diet, I just have to eat less crap than I have been. Like today I had Subway with Diet Pepsi and the reduced fat Doritos. That's good! That's a lot better than On the Border or Taco Cabana or anything else I might be craving. I just have to make it a habit, you know? And that's hard for me.

I think my biggest problem is the chub face. I think if I do well on my diet for a few weeks, the chub face will start to reduce, and that is definitely a good thing. Chub face baddd!

Anyway, blah on that. Today is the first day of the rest of my life, and all that junk. I will be attending Farm Guy's daughter's birthday party on Saturday, so let's see how much weight I can lose between now and then! Wheeee.

In other news, I am totally captivated by Desperate Housewives. I was actually really sad when it ended last night because I wanted more! Sunday is becoming appointment television night for me, dude.

I have not applied for a single job today. That's a very strange occurance in my life, especially on a Monday morning, but I just couldn't find anything to apply for today. I have a really big interview on Wednesday that I'm mentally preparing myself for, so, blah.

I think I should start renting some Buffy episodes or something. I don't know why I never got into that show, it really seems like it would be something I'd be into. Rawr.

Aerosmith rocks. I got their Greatest Hits CD and I love almost every song on it. Most of all: Janie's Got a Gun, Dream On, What it Takes, and Sweet Emotion.

I've been downloading a lot of songs today so I can build up a nice Nanowrimo song base, or something. Here is a partial list:

Coldplay - Green Eyes
Coldplay - In my Place
Coldplay - Clocks
Audioslave - Cochise whatever
Audioslave - Like a Stone
Eminem - Soldier
Eminem - Square Dance
K's Choice - I'm Not an Addict
Sarah Mclachlan - Hold On
Sarah Mclachlan - Fear
Sarah Mclachlan - Good Enough
Sara Mclachlan - Ice Cream
Metallica - One
Lynyrd Skynryd - Simple Man
Nirvana - Come As You Are

Yeah. I've been busy. I'm in the process of downloading "Late at Night" by Buffalo Tom, the song that plays in my very most favorite episode of My So Called Life. Speaking of MSCL, I updated my profile with lots of fun MSCL quotes just because I'm just that busy at work today. Two of our people are out today because their mother in law (they are kinda sorta brother/sister in law by marriage, it's a long story) passed away on Thursday and there's a funeral today, so my boss keeps coming back here and telling me about every phone conversation she has. My brain hurts. I need a new job.

Also, it's 90 degrees. In the middle of October. WHY?

Other pictures:

I believe that this is the first picture of my whole immediate family without all the steps involved that has been taken in at least 10 years. That's exciting!

And here is me and my brother, sharing a tender moment:

Bored on the sofa:

*****

a year ago...
"I love his genius. I love his unconventionalness. I love the way he makes me feel beautiful. I love how I know he's going to be the awesome father to our children that neither of us had. I love how extremely tall he is! I love his crazy fucked up morals. I love how he prays before he goes to bed at night. These are the things that keep me going sometimes. These are the things I don't ever want to lose. These are the things that play over and over in my head when I think about ending it with him."

2 years...
"Well, guess what folks, I do both these things. We actually had to take the sheets off and flip the mattress over today because of my umm.. overzealousness. Why does this put me in a minority? I keep hearing about chicks who can't have orgasms for the life of them, and damn! They're missing out!"

3 years...
"And I know that if I didn't have the support of family and friends, if BB just had enough and went away and my mom got tired of supporting me financially and mentally and my friends decided that I was just too needy, I would totally fall apart. I don't really know how to say this aside from the thoughts in my head, but I am not doing anything right now on my own. People have to remind me to do things. People have to nag me. If BB didn't care what I got on my tests or at school, or if my dad didn't pay tuition, I wouldn't give a shit about my grades. I'd never go to class."