Blast from the past.. a special edition

November 20, 2004

Okay, so today I had the perfect "I'm a single chick, hear me roar, bitches" kind of day, and right now I am laughing my gigantic ass off at SNL. I'm seriously LOLing here! And tomorrow I will be spending a little time with Church Boy at.. church. So.. all is right in the world.

But that's not really what I wish to speak about tonight. Tonight.. I'm going to be all contemplative and shit. Come on! I hear you groaning. Shut up. We all know that I like to look back at the past all the damn time. So here's a special edition!

Tonight I went to Borders to work on my novel (44,805 words, just in case you were wondering.. I'm planning on finishing it tomorrow!) and I remembered when I was there almost exactly two years ago, sitting in the cafe and wondering if I should call Matt to see if I could come over one last time before I moved to Austin.

Tonight I sat in the cafe, writing my story, listening to the new Eminem album (which I wouldn't suggest doing at the same time, unless you want to change the whole tone of you story by writing in a scene where the main character finds out she witnessed a murder when she was 4 years old) and thinking about how happy I seem to be lately. I'm turning the radio up and singing along at top volume, I'm smiling for no good reason whatsoever, and I'm just.. good. I wasn't this way 2 years ago. I was a mess. I was not in a good place.

When I was going through some of my older entries, I can really see how incredibly depressed I was, and it's kinda sad. But in a good way! Because now I can look back and think, "Thank God I'm not in that place anymore." And I'm not. I'm just not. If Matt decided to cut things off right now, I'd be okay with that. I'd understand that it's the natural progression of our relationship.

So, the point of this entry is to show you where I was back then. I wrote my best stuff when I was seriously heartbroken. So, let us share in my miserableness.

First of all, here's from my second entry ever in the D-Land world:
Finally, it's Thursday. No more school. Now I get to go see my boyfriend and sink into comfortable bliss that I've known for so many years now. I'll drive the hour over there, I'll go to sleep in his bed, we'll do stuff this weekend that we'll always do, and it'll be nice, because I love him and appreciate him.

And then I'll wonder if I'm with the right guy and if I should really be there instead of out enjoying my college life.

And then I'll get over it, because I love him and I really don't have much interest in what college people do during the weekend.

And it's a cycle."

So you can see, I was starting the bad habits very early on. In October of 2002, that came to a screeching halt when he said we should take a break for a while. When he meant "take a break", he meant "break up so he could go out with the chick he had already been dating for the past 4 months", but that's neither here nor there!

From exactly 2 years ago:
Yesterday I was talking to BB a little, and he offended me in a major way. It wasn't anything blatant, like "You stink like monkey crap," no it wasn't. He had to leave or what not, so he actually said:

BB: So I will catch up with you later, tator!

What IN THE FUCK is that? LATER TATOR? I just could not believe he said that! I was talking to Crazy Friend about it and she was like, "So he changes his whole way of talking to you now?" That is exactly what he does. In almost the 5 1/2 years I've known the bastard, he's never said anything remotely like "LATER TATOR!" Usually he'll say, "I gotta go now, love you!" Not LATER TATOR! GUHHHH!!!

I just don't get that. It drives me nuts. Maybe I should just go back to not talking to him, it was a lot more simple at that point. Fucker.

This is from what is generally recognized as The Worst Day Of My Life, December 23, 2002. On this day, I learned that one Mr. Matthew had a girlfriend. Already. And that it was the same girl who almost broke us up 2 years before that. Oh yeah.. I was not happy about that.

I hope this is the most pain I will ever feel over one boy. The boy - the MAN - that I loved so completely for 5 years is in love with someone else. S
he's been here before. She was the cause of our almost break-up 2 summers ago. And now she's back, he has her all to herself, and I feel like they're going to get married, they're going to have kids, she's going to take his virginity, and I'm going to be a lonely spinster with 5 dogs who nobody will ever love like he did. He used to love me. He used to hold me and kiss me and reassure me that we would be together for such a long time.

From an email I wrote 2 days before moving to Austin:
I'm so scared of the first night I spend in Austin. I will truly be all by myself, alone with conflicting thoughts. On one hand, I'm in a new place, a place I've always wanted to be. A new exciting life is waiting for me if only I make it happen. On the other hand, I'll always be thinking about the fact that she's coming home the same day I leave, and I'll be thinking about how you'll greet her with open arms, and how you'll kiss her and be close to her and snuggle with her and tell her how much you missed her and not fart while she's in the car with you. And maybe you'll eventually tell her about seeing me, and how I couldn't get through all 3 times seeing you without wishing that I could kiss you, and how strong you were because you wouldn't let me. How do I not let myself think that?

I went to Austin to try to forget about him, but instead it just made it worse. I didn't have a huge support system when I first moved there, just my brother, so I had nothing to do all day long but obsess over what was going on. Here's a few gems from that time:

From March 2003:
I know all the bullshit about not letting a man define you.. not letting a man be the sole reason for your happiness. But I did that. And now I'm paying for it. And it hurts so bad.. and I don't know what my purpose is in my life. Maybe if I had friends, if I had a job that meant something, if I had anything.. it would be better, and I could better get over him. But I have nothing here.. just a crackwhore dirty apartment that I refuse to clean, and nothing but my own thoughts to keep me company.

I miss going to the bathroom with the door open. I miss having to put the toilet seat down everytime I went to the bathroom. I miss his passion for high school football. I miss running my fingers through his hair, rubbing his neck in the spot that always made him sleepy. I miss knowing that someone was there to love me no matter what I did. It gave me a reason to wake up in the morning when I felt like there was nothing else. And now I feel like there's nothing else.. he loves someone else, and I know I have to wake up anyway, and I hate it. I hate my life, I hate being in Austin, and I hate being without him.

Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

From February, 2003:
And you think about their new relationship and you know you should be happy that they're in love, because you love them and if you love them you want them to be happy. I read this quote once somewhere where it talked about.. if you love someone, you have to love them so much that you have to love the love they have for someone else. That's always stayed with me, and even if it is bullshit, it's sort of true. If you really and truly LOVED this person, wouldn't you be ecstatic that they were happy with someone else, someone that wasn't you, someone that could make them happier than you ever could? Should I be happy for the person who used to talk about how we'd raise our kids together, and how he'd build me a puppy room when we bought a new house together? Should I be happy for him when I know that this relationship he has with her could really last, could really bloom into something extremely serious, something more serious than he had with me even after 5 years? Can I be happy for something like that?
From March, 2003:
Why do I keep doing this to myself? I am fucking up my Austin experience. I am fucking it all up. I was supposed to come here to forget about him, now all I think about is getting back together and how it would feel to be able to kiss him again, to be able to tell him that I loved him before I went to bed, to have him call me at work just to say he was thinking about me, to celebrate holidays together, to visit my parents together, to have my family ask about him, to be able to actually go inside his house.. I want that.

From January, 2003:
Yeah, I get the point. She has her shit together after being dumped, I was dumped because I didn't have my shit together. And I shouldn't be claiming victories for something I have no control over. And I have to realize that even if their relationship isn't perfect, he's still willing to try to make it work. Of all the times I've said "But you're in love with her!" he never argued. He never once said "I'm not in love with her, I barely know her." They've been dating for 2 months, and he loves her, and that makes me crazy.

From a very special email:
I could be so many things for you, and for me. Think about it.. you said I was a nurturer, and I am. But I'm also naughty. I can be your naughty nurturer. I can take care of you in all kinds of ways. I can be your partner.. your best friend.. someone who's seen you go through so many things in your life, someone who knows you inside and out, someone who knows where you've been and knows what you've been through to get where you are now. You are the only person in the world who I can feel normal around.. who I can do my thing with and not feel socially retarded with.

I guess the point is that I feel so much more stable now. I guess.. I just feel like I've made so much progress, and that's such a new feeling for me. From the age of 18 until I was practically 23, I was in a standstill, a rut. I never did anything different. I never challenged myself. I was just.. Matt's girlfriend. And now.. I still have a lot to accomplish, but at least I feel good about myself and my future, even if he isn't in it. I've learned that it is possible to live without him. Before we broke up, I had no idea that was possible. I would never even let myself think about what could happen if we broke up.

So, there ya go. A wonderful self congratulatory entry. Don't you love how narcissistic I am?

Rock on!@