Being in love, drunk grandmothers, and I don't care if you're sick.

December 27, 2004

So here's nothing to do with anything:

So yesterday I bought the first season of Sex and the City and I was watching the first episode even though I've seen it like 200 times, because I'm a strange person like that. At the end of the episode, Carrie taps on Mr. Big's window and says, "Have you ever been in love?" And he says, "Absofuckinglutely."

For some reason, this makes me start to wonder about my own stupid love life and the boys who have been contained in it since I started noticing boys at the tender age of 8 years old. Have I ever been in love? Of course I've been in love. When I was 8, I fell in love with Tom Hanks after I saw Big, and we've been in a steady relationship ever since. I have, of course, loved me some Axl Rose since I was 13 years old and just discovering the healing power of music, feeling the insane power of Guns N Roses flowing through my veins.

I fell in love with Eddie when I was 13, and he was my first boyfriend. He had so much baggage and drama and told so many lies and he was not the greatest guy, but I loved him anyway, even if we only went out for a month. I loved Ryan for years and years and years, and in fact, I still love him. It's been almost 10 years but that boy still has some strange chemical trance over me.

And of course, there was Matt. I loved him. I still love him. We were together a solid 5 years before things offically fell apart, although it would have been a lot shorter than that if we ever really let ourselves admit that it was over a long time before that. And maybe, just maybe, there was a few months in those 5 years where everybody was happy and really in love. But seriously? The question of have I ever been in love is a mystery to me.

I hesitate to say that I've been in love because I've never been in a 2 sided relationship. Either I was way too into it and the other person was turned off (which was a majority of the time), or it was the other way around. When Ali-Kat expressed her desire to never ever have children, I asked her, "Wouldn't you and your husband get bored, with just the two of you and no kids?" And she said, "Obviously you've never been in love before."

And I wanted to protest, but the more I've thought about it, the more I think she was right. I've NEVER been in a relationship based on mutual respect in trust, one where, at least after the first couple of months of complete bliss, I could imagine spending more than 2 straight weeks with that person alone. Even the thought of taking a one week road trip with Matt makes me nervous, thinking about all those empty conversations we had last year.

So, I guess my point is, have I been in love? Is "being in love" some kind of level that I have yet to reach in my love life? And if so, will I ever "be in love" with someone who will love me and respect me for all my little dog loving, Vixen nail polish wearing, somewhat social retardation having, weirdo quirky self? And if so, how do I find that person? And if I find them, how will I in fact know that I am in love?

I want to be in love. I want to find someone who will be there for me, no matter what. Yesterday I found myself longing for that person while I made 4 trips to my car and lugged all my Christmas crap up 3 flights of stairs. I longed for that person while I cried my eyes out while watching Extreme Home Makeover, while I spent 2 hours trying to put together my new DVD tower but had issues because I am not mechanically inclined whatsover.

I feel like Church Boy and I could really fall in love if we both allowed ourselves to do so. I think I have an edge that most people Church Boy has in life don't have. I think I'm quirky in a way he appreciates. I think he has morals and values in a way that none of my other boyfriends have ever possessed. I think he could really teach me something, and I just want that opportunity. I want to fall in love with someone, and I want that love returned with complete and total abandon. I know that's asking a lot, but is it really?

Anyway. Just something that's on my mind.

*****

In other news, so.. you're sick? Really. That's fascinating, but guess what? So is everyone else in the whole entire world. I'm not impressed with you.

My brother spent all day yesterday throwing up every single liquid in his body and having a 100 degree temperature. He had almost the exact same symptoms I had, in fact. I'm starting to wonder if maybe it wasn't food poisoning I had, since my brother and my roommate have both had the same thing. But I'm going to stick with food poisoning because it makes me equate McDonalds with death, and that's a good thing for me. Plus, it's a sexier story than just stomach virus.

My boss just left because she is also sick, but the less fancy flu-like symptoms. Okay, great. Everyone is sick. I get it. Go home, drink some Gator Aid and go to sleep.

I am glad that my brother at least got so sick when he was at my mom's so that she could take care of him in her mommy way. He eventually has to go back to Austin.. he has a business to run and everything. But I am guessing that he's enjoying the mommy TLC at the moment.

Right.

*****

I LOVE my iPod. Seriously. The greatest part about my iPod (which I have named Cookie): the car plug-in, in which I can just stick it in there and play any damn song I want. That is the Greatest.Ever.

I spent a big chunk of time last night transferring some of my CD's to it, so now I have 500 songs. But! That sucker holds 5,000 songs! I have to get on it, man!

I love my iPod.

*****

So, I've decided to take myself on vacation on Saturday. Since Matt is in Vegas and Church Boy is in Idaho/Montana doing some skiing, I'm just gonna go by myself to the wonder that is New Orleans, Louisiana. I'm going to leave on Saturday morning and drive the 6 or so hours to Baton Rouge. On Sunday, I'm going to drive the 2 hours from there to New Orleans and spend the day at the French Quarter. I'll leave on Monday and everyone will be happy.

And yes, there will be some gambling in there somewhere, but hopefully not much. I have gambling issues, as we all know, so I'm going to try to contain myself. I'll let you know how that works out.

I'm also going to be doing a little personal inventory. The job search has not worked out for me this year, but it has to next year. I can't work for my dad for the rest of my life. So, I'm going to spend some time and redo my resume and cover letter. I'm going to make a plan and I'm going to stick to it. 2005: This time it's personal.

I should also write a plan for the novel I've been wanting to write for 2 years now. That would be a good idea.

*****

So, Christmas was good. After we opened our presents at my mom's, we went to my grandmother's. That was about as fun as getting hit in the eye with a fork.

When my grandmother has had a bit to drink, she acts like my brother is the greatest human in the history of the world. She told him that he was her "favorite everything" and pretty much ignored me. When she wasn't ignoring me, she kept pestering me about getting together and she would talk and I would listen and then I would write her life story. She said it would be a best seller!

Yeah, uh huh, okay. I'll get on that, as soon as you finish telling my brother that he's your favorite grand child. That makes me feel all warm and cozy inside.

Also, what's up with seeing movies on Christmas day? My family has never really been into that, but my brother really wanted to see the Aviator. It was sold out everywhere, and pretty much so was every other movie in the world. Why does everyone want to see movies on Christmas? Go be with your family, weirdos!

Instead, we rented Collateral and Napolean Dynamite. Collateral was okay.. Tom Cruise really impressed me. However, I walked out after 15 minutes of Napolean, just like I thought I would. It's just not my thing, man. It disturbed me in strange ways.

Yesterday I bought I, Robot, Rock Star, Sex and the City, Good Will Hunting, and The Truth about Cats and Dogs on DVD. Yummy. Tomorrow I'm going to buy Garden State and Anchorman and the 6th season of Sex and the City. Mmmm.. DVD's.

*****

This is going to be a long week. I miss Matt, and Church Boy, and my doggie Charlie, and my brother's doggie Dylan.

That is all.

******

2 years ago...
"When you invite your ex to have dinner with you, don't get drunk on 1 margarita and then spend an hour trying to convince him that cheating on his girlfriend with you would be a very good idea. Because most likely, he won't think it's a very good idea."