A rant about vacations.

January 02, 2005

Excuse me while I go on a rant here..

Why is it that I always have to justify my actions to everyone? Why does everyone have to ask me WHY I do the things I do? Because honestly, half the time I have no idea why I do the things I do, other than it seemed like a good idea at the time.

Example: "Why oh why must you go to Shreveport this weekend, Elizabeth? Why can't you stay here with us like you do every other fucking weekend and do the same fucking thing we always do?" So says Donna when she called me at 9 AM this morning (You DO NOT call people at 9 AM on New Years Day! WTF!) "to try to talk me out of going". This actually caused like, the 2nd arguement we've ever had in the three years she's been dating my dad. I totally hurt her feelings, and I apologized later, but even now.. it's still irritating to me!

I mean.. fuck. It's New Years Day. I'm feeling just a little bit sorry for myself. It's the first time in like.. 8 or 9 years that I haven't gone on vacation anywhere. Matt is in Vegas. Church Boy is skiing. I wanted to get the hell out of Dallas for a whole 24 hours! Why is that too much to ask? Why is everyone so fucking worried about me all the time?

On one hand, it's nice to have people worry about me. But come on! It's Shreveport! It's 2.5 hours away. And you know what? I know it's hard to believe, but I can take care of myself. I lived by myself for a long time. I've never been assaulted or anything like that. I DO happen to have common sense. I'm always aware of my surroundings. I know I'm a little spacy and retarded sometimes, but that doesn't mean I can't fend for myself.

And, I mean, fuck! Why don't I get to go somewhere fun? Why do I have to stay here while everyone else does fun things with fun people?

I wanted this trip to be a full 3 days with a trip to Baton Rouge and New Orleans thrown in, but guess what? It didn't work out that way. Nothing has worked out the way I thought it would in the past 12 months, and I'm sort of okay with that. But I'm also bummed out about it.

I mean, am I having fun in Shreveport? Not really, no. This place smells. It ALWAYS feels like ass, no matter what month it is. If Vegas is like Ocean's Eleven, Shreveport is like... Deliverance. I miss Matt. I miss driving to Vegas. I miss seeing new things. I miss the excitement of being away from everything that I know. I don't exactly dread this new year, but I also don't know how it's going to be any better than the last. Maybe since I've offically almost lived in my apartment for a year and I'm comfortable in my surroundings, maybe that'll offer more stability and I'll be able to do the things I need to do. But.. maybe not. Maybe I'm going to work for my dad.. for the rest of my natural born life.

I'm bitter. I know I'll get over it soon, but right now I'm more bitter than I've been in a really long time. I was eating at this mexican food restaurant today and just thinking that the consequences of every action I involved myself last year has come to the actions that I am involved in this weekend. Ergo, since I didn't take any chances or risks, I am by myself. I am playing Blackjack with strangers because I didn't take any risks and find new people and things to involve myself with. See how that happens? Yeah.

But.. I do have some good news. I did really awesome at Blackjack today and I actually walked out of the casino with my pride still intact, which is very hard for me to do. I have money left! Of course I still have a few hours tomorrow to ruin that, but I was down to my last, like, $30 and was even considering, for a brief moment, that which is the ATM Machine Of Doom. But then I got on a winning streak and everything was okay again. So, yay for that.

Um, on another tangent.. when I was talking to Matt online the other day and he was talking about playing $1 Blackjack at the El Cortez and watching the NYE fireworks on the Strip.. I was jealous. I started thinking about why I couldn't go with him, and I was kinda mad about it! I mean, if I didn't go to work for a few days, they wouldn't exactly collapse without me. We all know that. So why couldn't I have just gone with him?

But then I thought again about it today, and I know why. I couldn't go with him even if I could schedule it. I needed to spend New Years Eve with someone else, even if it was Ali-Kat, my bestest friend ever and not some new friend I made this year. I couldn't spend another New Year with him. Maybe I just put too much fucking stock in that particular day, but... I have to move on, and spending that day with him would have been a step back.

Plus, a million other reasons.

Well, whatever. I'm tired. Once again I spent a million hours in the casino without really realizing what time it was. But the good news is that I'm in a really groovy hotel room that even has a fireplace! It also has FREE high speed internet access, a microwave, a dishwasher, and a hair dryer! And right now I'm watching Sleepless in Seattle!

It doesn't take much to amuse me.

At Half Price Books the other day I found this Jennifer Crusie audiobook set with 3 of her books in it. I got so excited, you just don't understand! I've been listening to it in the car for a few days now, and I have to say this about Jennifer Crusie. I love her, and I love her books, but my god! She says "Like hell" WAY TOO MUCH! Where is her editor? Can't her editor say "Okay Jenny, great book, but can we maybe find another adjective for 'like hell' please?"

Examples: "It hurt like hell." "Oh hell!" "The hell it is!" You get the picture.

Thank you for letting me get that off my chest.

In closing, I would like to remind my readers that running a red light when there's a cop RIGHT BEHIND YOU is like.. a really bad idea, and most likely, they won't find it amusing. Not that it happened to me or anything.