.beautiful weddings, no fighting, and evil doctors that represent my fear about my body.

April 23, 2005

Hello there. I'm coming at ya live from the beautiful city of Austin! WOOO!

I'm here for the wedding of my lovely Austin friend Sarah. I'm always glad when I have an excuse to come down here, but the wedding was especially lovely.

I left my mom's house this morning at 9 and got to the wedding at 1:40, approximately 20 minutes before it started. If I hadn't gone really, REALLY fast in order to make up for lost time (I left a little late, I had to go the bank to get a new credit card because I lost mine AGAIN, then I got lost in Denton after I got off the highway because of traffic), I just might have missed the whole damn thing. So, thank you policemen everywhere for not being on my stretch of highway. I will continue to break the law as long as I think I won't get caught.

ANYWAY. The wedding was absolutely beautiful. Sarah was gorgeous, the music was pretty, nothing was cheesy about it at all. It was really small, with half of the guests being family of Sarah and Dave. The church overlooked the Colorado River, and it was sunny and beautiful, not hot or cold. Outside these Eagle-looking birds were soaring, giving their blessing to the bride and groom. Only, I found out later... they weren't eagles, they were vultures. Well, same thing.

The reception was pretty boring, and I had developed a massive headache that was really quite distracting. But, I had My Girls with me, so everything was okay. It's been about a year and a half since I left Austin, but those girls still mean the world to me.

Something I've noticed about them... since they've managed to keep the small group going for 2 and a half years now, I kinda think of all of them as a group entity and not so much as individuals. It's just easier that way, because I can come to Austin and hang out with the whole group when they're all together. You know? Anyway.

I was so very happy for Sarah. I'm apparently now one of those females that cries throughout the whole wedding. I couldn't help it! They seemed so happy. You could tell Dave was choked up during the vows. And it was a Catholic wedding, so they Communion, and while that was going on, Sarah and Dave talked quietly to themselves, holding hands, smiling and laughing and just looking totally and completely in love. It was really beautiful, and we should all be that lucky.

I told myself that I was going to try as hard as I could to not think about Matt this weekend, but hey.. it's a wedding. Sarah has been with this boy for so very long and she was starting to think he wasn't ever going to ask. But he did, and she paid her dues, and now they are together forever (or until the divorce comes through). Matt never asked me. I think that's part of the reason why I was crying like a baby.. I thought I had something like that, but it turns out.. maybe I did once, but that appears to be long in the past.

Which brings me to my next subject. Matt is being weird, and not just in a "just had surgery" kind of way. I called him once to check on him, and he didn't call me back. He avoids me online, and when I iniatiate conversation, sometimes he just plain ignores me. I feel very strongly that there is someone else in his life. I've been wrong about this many times.. but I've also been right. So.. it scares me. I truly am afraid of being completely and totally single, without him as at least a nookie backup. I keep trying to remind myself that I want him to be happy, and if this mystery chick can do that, who am I to take that away from him?

I just wish he would tell me, but I know he won't do that. I don't know how I'd ever find out if there's someone else until I see their picture in the paper when they get married. He's just not the type to be forthcoming with that information.

It's just.. the last time we were together was so completely passionate (and come on, guys! Do I really have to explain the incident that caused me to go purchase the Morning After Pill? Don't you feel that's fairly self explanatory?!) and wonderful, I have to wonder.. well, whatever. He's an odd guy, and I've known that from the very beginning. I just wanted to end up with him, I really did. I wanted to take care of him and be taken care of by him for the rest of our lives. I know that's cheesy, but man.. I really did want that.

So what am I going to do about this situation? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. The last time this happened, at the end of our 5 year relationship, I clung to him at every possible second and made it known that I wasn't going to give up without a fight. This time? I'm not fighting. I'm going to withdrawl. I'm going to avoid him. I'm not going to cling, I'm not going to fight, I'm just going to let him go. It's probably the best thing for everybody, anyway. It's not what I had in mind, but.. it happens, and I need to deal with it and move on to the next person that will be in my life, whoever that may be. I love him, with all my heart, but maybe it just wasn't meant to be.

So, sorry to bring the room down. Here's something special: instead of staying with my brother while I'm in town, I'm staying at a Holiday Inn! Just between you and me, I really don't dig his loft very much. It's not him. It's too flashy. And the parking situation sucks ass. I do miss Dylan the Monkey Dog, though. I don't know if he'll bring him when we go to lunch tomorrow. I hope he does! I love my little monkey puppy!

But I love this hotel, dude! I thought about going out somewhere tonight, but instead I stayed in, ordered fajitas for room service, and now I am enjoying the complimentary high speed internet! It doesn't take much to entertain me, let me tell you.

Other news and notes: On Wednesday, I went to the dreaded endocrinologist. This doctor has always scared me throughout the 10 years I've been going to him, but much more in recent years. I figured out why I fear him so much: he represents the fact that I am not taking care of my body, and he's that fear realized. I know that makes no sense to you, but like.. I fear him because he represents everything I hate about myself -- the fact that I don't consistently take my pills, that I haven't lost weight, stuff like that.

He also put me on Meridia, some kind of appetite suppresant. Those fuckers cost $100 for 30 pills! I haven't started taking them yet, so I don't know.. but dizamn! Those fuckers are expensive!

When I got home from the doctor, I ordered pizza because that's just what I felt like doing. But the way my roommate looked at me and asked "What happened to working out?" really made me crazy. She was judging me. She was judging me hardcore. It made me feel like total shit, to be honest.

But then she didn't come home on Thursday night and I realized that I judge her just the same -- I judge her as an alcoholic co-dependent mess. I know she can be independent... she makes a shit ton of money and has good survival skills and lots of friends. But she spends every waking second with her boyfriend and well, I judge her right back. She can't do anything by herself, and I eat pizza. We're even.

So, work! YAY WORK! This week I learned the 2 remaining things my boss had left to teach me. I wasn't expecting to learn both in one week, but I did, and this excites me and makes me very, very proud of myself. That means I just have to perfect it and then I can get out of the damn supervisory period and make some real money!

Plus, the fact that she taught me both things this week really gives me confidence. It seems like she likes me and thinks I'm actually good at what I do. This is all very new to me.. I've really never been good at any job I've had, except at the newspaper and maybe at the movie theater. But I'm very comfortable with it and I know I'll be advancing soon. Also, I really don't feel like I'll be fired soon, which is always a good thing.

I like my job. I did 5 different Family Matters this week. They were the first 5 episodes of the show, mostly pre-Urkel, which is definitely a good thing.

Yesterday I learned that my car, Julio, is worth $3,000, which is about $2,955 more than I thought he was worth. Well, he might not be pretty, but he runs well.

Don't tell Julio this, but this could quite possibly be the last long trip we take together. He's about to be replaced, friends. And while I will miss the poor guy, I will be happy to move on with my life. Awww.

Anyway.. I think I'm gonna go download some porn and then go to bed. My life is much too exciting.

My top 10 most played songs on my iPod, Cookie:
1. Since You've Been Gone, Kelly Clarkson - 31 times
2. Addicted, Kelly Clarkson - 31 times
3. You'll See, Madonna - 21 times
4. Don't Cry, Guns N Roses - 16 times
5. I Can't Make You Love Me, Bonnie Raitt, 15 times
6. Symphonic Don't Cry, Guns N Roses string orchestra
7. Bad Girl, Madonna
8. What Do I Have To Do - Stabbing Westward
9. Acoustic November Rain - GN'R
10. To Make You Feel My Love - Garth Brooks

Interesting. I am a little ashamed, to tell you the truth.

I will shut up now. Almost...

Note: a year ago I was obsesing over my weight and spending the weekend in Austin. It's a little eerie, isn't it?

****

a year ago...
"But don't call Tracy Gold and the Lifetime Movie of the Week yet, because I only do it for like.. 2 weeks, and then I get disgusted and then I get over it, and then I don't do it again for another 6 months."

">2 years..
"I should take the hint.. oh my god, there's so many fucking hints.. but I just can't. I refuse to give up on this. He is what I want, and I can't get it through my mind that it's not what he wants."

3 years ago...
"I just had to buy A Beautiful Mind poster because I got it on ebay when I was all obsessed with a certain star of the movie."