My self-important mess of realizations and revelations.

May 05, 2005

So, I got me a new apartment. I'm not entirely sure it's my dream apartment. In fact, I'm a little worried I signed up for sub-par living quarters just because when I voiced hesitation, the leasing chick said, "What if I threw in a free washer and dryer for the lease?" And I'm like, "OKAY!"

So, I may not be too excited about where I'm living, but at least I can wash my clothes in my own place.

It's actually in a part of Dallas that I'm not totally familiar with, so that's cool. It's a little closer to work. I think it will be good to get out of my comfort zone for a little while.

So, in a couple of days, I will have been at my job for 3 months. I know I'm doing a good job, but I also know there's a lot I need to work on. I learned today how much the raise is once I get off the 6 month probation, and it's pretty damn good. Not exceptionally wonderful, but I've been told the way you make money in this job is by working overtime, so that's okay by me.

I really sincerely like my job. I do wish I had one where I could write more often, but that's what my novel is for, right? I'm editing and doing all kinds of mind-numbing things on a daily basis, so it's good for everyone.

Also, I'm still losing weight, but not at such a rapid pace as I was last week. But I can actually tell a difference in my stomach now. It's not to the point where people comment on it yet (well, the chick at the apartment I looked at on Monday did ask me if I was pregnant), but it's getting there. I haven't been working out much, so I know next week when I start working out hard core again and still doing whatever it is I'm doing, it'll be just a really good thing. Losing weight is good. I enjoy it.

Well, here comes the inevitable subject: that which is Matt. And, oh my god, I know this is long and psycho-babbly, but I have to get it out of my system. And then I promise, no more novel length Matt entries. I SWEAR! Just read this one! It's important! It's also a self important mess that I actually feel guilty about writing, but once it's out there in the universe for everyone to see, I'll feel better. Go to TWoP if you want something entertaining.

First, I want to take this opportunity to give a big thank you to all of you. The outpouring of support you gave me on that last entry was so completely awesome and made me feel so much better. Thank you all.. you guys do mean a lot to me. *sniff*

Ever since I cried my guts out on Tuesday when I got home from work... I've been okay. I'm writing furiously in my paper diary, just trying to make sense of what I'm thinking and feeling. And... I'm okay. At least I think I am. At least I am for now. At least I am as long as I don't have to hear any mentions of him and her and what they're doing and how he's saving for a wedding ring and how they're getting engaged next week and the wedding is in October on my birthday (not that any of that is true, but it's better to prepare yourself for the inevitable, right?)... I'm okay.

And I know on Monday I was ready to be angry, and I was for a few days. But then I cried on Donna's shoulder for a while, and since she and my dad just went through a brutal break up, she had interesting things to say. She said it takes more energy to hate him than to just chill out, and while I didn't agree with her at the time, I'm starting to now.

I just.. can't hate Matt. I mean.. yeah, that whole getting some and shoving the $40 in my hand while we were still naked and knowing that it was the last time we were ever going to lie there in his bed together but yet not sharing this fact with me.. that was pretty shitty. I still have trouble with that, but I am coming to terms with it. I am realizing there's no good explanation for it except that he was being an asshole and wasn't keeping my feelings in mind. I admit that.

However, the fact of that dreaded email and the whole way he ended this still remains. It sucks that he gave no explanation, no apologies, no last good-byes, no promises that we could still be friends. But, and I know that most of you will think I'm a nutcase when I say this.. I think he was doing it for other reasons than just being an asshole. Sure, a big part of it is pure assholeness.

But the other part.. the last time he got a new girlfriend, he held my hand through the entire process. He would write me lengthy emails about how he was sorry, but he felt like it was something he needed to do. He said that he didn't know if it would last, and he said that someday, we would probably be together again. And you know what? That didn't work for anyone. It made everyone miserable.

It made him miserable because I wouldn't let him enjoy his new relationship, and I was constantly bugging him to come back to me. It made me miserable because it was hard to let go when I thought we had a future together. It probably made Her miserable to know her boyfriend wouldn't ever stop talking to his ex-girlfriend.

I think that email, which to me was the cruelest bunch of words he could have possibly put together in order to make me collapse in tears and rage and jealousy and heartbreak... I think it was more than what it said. Yes, he was saying what he was saying. But I also see it like he was saying, "Hey, I know you and you know me. I know if I don't say it exactly like this, you might not get the point. You might think there's still a chance. And I don't want to put us through that again. So, I'm going to be an asshole about it."

That is just something he would do. It's so easy to say he's an asshole and just be done with it, but I'm incapable of doing that. I spent a long time with this guy, and he's a psychology guy. He will mind-fuck you to death just because he can. I'm not saying his email wasn't true, but I'm saying that I saw what was behind the lines.

And if you think I'm just deluding myself, if you think this whole entry is one sad mess of crap and you feel sorry for me because I just don't see reality... keep it to yourself. If it's helping me and it's not hurting anybody, who the fuck cares how I justify it? I do know him, and I know he wouldn't deliberately be cruel to me just for the fuck of it, at least most of the time. I don't hate him. I'm not even angry anymore. At some point in our lives, I hope we can be the kind of friends that talk everyone once in a while and get together for lunch every now and then. I know that won't happen at any point in the near future, and I'm okay with that.

He was just such a vital part of my existence for such a long time, it's hard to just think that everything that happened can be reduced to him finding someone else and then cutting all ties between us. I don't know if that's what's happening, but if it is.. to each his own, I guess.

I don't know about the future. All I know is that I'm moving on the 27th, and right now what I want to say is that for that whole 6 months that I'm planning to live there.. it will be a Matt-free zone. I will be thinking about him, and maybe I'll still even cry over him, but I won't talk to him unless he talks to me first, and I don't even know if he will. But when November comes and I still feel the urge to have him in my life, maybe I'll call him or write him a quick email. Those are my plans for now, anyway.

I am proud of myself. I am proud of how I'm handling this. I'm mostly proud that I've only sent one email, and even that one wasn't all teary and pathetic, it was nice. I'm learning to come to terms and accept the shitting things that happen instead of questioning them for the rest of my life or harboring a grudge about them. I'm not a grudge kind of girl. I'm just not. And in my own little weirdo mind, I know that he still loves me and cares about me, but he wants us both to move on with our lives. It hurts, and it's brutal, but maybe that's just the only way he can get through to me. And.. maybe he's right. Maybe that really is the only way I could realize that it's over and there's nothing I can do about it. It's sink or swim time now, baby. It's about full time jobs and apartments and adult issues now, not graduating from college and living on my own for the first time and holding hands the entire time. I get that. I see it, and I'm just so glad I see it.

That's the thing.. there really is nothing I can do about it right now. And that's freeing, in a way. What's also freeing is keeping the motto "It's NOT ABOUT YOU!" in my head, especially when I start getting weird again. It's not about me. He wanted me to get a job, and I got one. He wanted me to make friends, I sorta did. It's not about how I could improve my life to make myself "better" for him.. it's about his issues and his ideals. Just because I didn't fit them doesn't mean it's all my fault. That is something I'm trying to keep in mind.

And.. when it all comes down to it, I really try to remind myself that it's stupid to play the victim card, because I'm not a victim. We weren't "together." We weren't even dating. He never promised me anything. But the one thing that will always bug me, get under my skin.. is why he kept it going for so long when he knew we wanted different things. Yes, the nookie. But he could have gotten that anywhere.

But whatever you do, know that I know there's no chance we're ever going to get back together. I love him, and I know there will always be some part of me that does, but I know now that I'll never be able to trust him.

And with that, I'm out. I'm at my dad's house and Alf is all sleepy! He's my good boy.