Josh.

January 18, 2006

See, the problem with me and Josh...half the time it's just not working. He's either being really defensive about something I said or didn't say, he wants to be on the phone all the time, whatever, and it drives me nuts and I KNOW I don't want to live with that forever and ever and I KNOW I should end it before it gets even MORE intense for us.

But then, there's nights like we had last night. Where we snuggled on the sofa and then had the most amazing sex that ever existed in the world and I had this super intense orgasm that had me shaking for 10 minutes after (okay, I'm really just bragging about that), and then when I took him home, we had this kiss that lasted forever and he didn't want to leave and we just wanted to stay there and kiss all night long.

Those are the nights that make me wish I could just be with him forever and ever, languishing in his love for me, loving him, loving his smell, loving his manlyness, loving his intelligence, loving his beautiful eyes, loving his embrace, his kiss, his passion for me, his love for me, everything about him. He's moving to Alaska at some point and I think about how nice that would be to just get away from the world and surround ourselves with each other.

But my brain, the part that amazingly enough has some sense in there somewhere, knows that that would never work, we would drive each other crazy and it wouldn't be pretty. I just wish things could be different. I wish he wasn't so weird about things. I wish I could forget about the past, forget about the demands my family has placed on me, forget about everything I've ever wanted just so I can be with him, but I can't. That's impossible. Sometimes things just don't work out, and soon they are going to come to an end. I know this. My brain knows this. But my heart is having a little trouble with it.

And the thing is...I felt EXACTLY the same way when I was 17. I knew things weren't going to work out but I grabbed every second I could with him. I know that's what makes me love him more, the feeling that I can't be with him. It makes everything so much more intense. It makes me just grab him in the middle of watching a movie just to hold him, just to soak him in, just to freeze that moment in time because I know soon enough there won't be much more like it. That's just the way I work. That's the way I am. That's the way it has to be.

I love him, I really do. I have fallen back in love with him, he who was a boy when I fell in love with him, he who has turned into a capable, attractive, funny, intelligent, rugged man. And yet he's a loner. He never wants to go out. He's the most racist person I've ever met in my life. He's quite possesive, although about 1000% less than he was 9 years ago. He's a total stoner. I wish I didn't care about all those things, but I do. It matters to me.

I wish things were different and I could wake up to him and his naked chest and tattoed arms holding me every morning, that we could make the crazy love every night, that we could get along and get married and have a family together, but no. It's not going to happen. It CAN'T happen, and I hate that, but love isn't enough. As much of a total sap as I am, I know love isn't enough.

As I'm working on this movie called Desert Saints this morning, I keep thinking back to last night, the crazy passionate sex, the kisses that had so much meaning behind them, and I just hate the whole fucking world for providing me with someone that I just can't be with. It's really just not fair.

Grawr. Back to work.