What the hell is going on here? Plus Cujo.

August 23, 2005

Some of you were wondering what in God's name I was talking about in my last entry because I was kind of cryptic and not really my forthright question. So, what the hell is going on here? Welcome to the last 5 days of my life.

Matt apparently has this really fun character trait of completely shutting down when something is bothering him. Oh, and it's without any kind of warning whatsoever! Woohoo, sign me up!

So for the past 2 weeks we had been sending tons of emails all day long at work, covering everything from mashed potatoes to his video game addiction to fun sexual talk to what we want out of the relationship. It seemed like we would never run out of things to talk about. It seemed like everything was going so well, almost a little too well.

He comes over here on Thursday night. We watch CSI, do some making out, do some other things. I walk him down to his car, he says he's still thinking about going to the farm with me, we make out some more, and then he says, "So, I'll talk to you tomorrow?" And I'm all, "Yeah, I'm sure you will."

But...Friday comes, no email. I'm used to getting an email from him when he first gets to work at 6 in the morning. So...the hours keep floating by, I start freaking out a little. At 2:30 I write him an email saying, "Uh, are you busy or just doing that thing where you're thinking and don't want to talk?" Still nothing. By the end of the day on Friday I'm just fucking pissed.

Then it's Saturday. Still nothing. I'm still angry, and not just a little sad. I thought I had something with this guy, you know? I thought things were going well. This whole thing hit me like a truck and took me completely by surprise. We've only been dating 3 weeks, which is hardly enough to need a break from.

So I finally get an email on Sunday morning. He's been "trying to figure out what to do about me and you" and all this other condescending bullshit. At first I'm pissed and imagined myself, for a few lovely hours, having all the power. But over the past 24 hours, the power has completely changed hands. He's the one who doesn't know if he wants a relationship. He's the one who doesn't know what he wants to do. He's the one who might have freaked out for reasons I still have yet to understand.

I'm just...really bummed out. I don't get it. I don't understand why I can't maintain a relationship, even one that's going really well. Our daily emails were soooo long and interesting and we both looked forward to getting them. The physical part of the whole thing is unfuckingbelivable. Yes, everything happened too fast in that area, but damn, that's some good shit! I've been missing out.

He's still sending a few emails, but they're getting harder and harder to interpret and I still have no idea what he wants. I don't get it anymore. I don't know how much more of this bullshit I can take, honestly. I mean, it's 3 weeks, how hard is it to figure out if he's in or out? It's a basic fucking concept.

I guess what I'm learning is that things that seem too good to be true...well, they are. They most definitely are. And I hate that I have to learn that one particular lesson. I'm almost proud of the fact that I still haven't been jaded yet, that I still believe in fate and destiny and blissful happiness...but look where it gets me. How am I supposed to believe in that stuff when it always ends up fucking me in the ass in the end? It's really starting to get to me, and I hate hate hate that.

I really wanted this one to work out. I now doubt that it will.

In other news, I had a really unsettling experience tonight. I was picking up Alf from Doggy Day Care, and I bent down to pet this little terrier dog. Now, you guys know me. I'm crazy dog lady. Never in my life, except for one of my own dogs that just kinda went crazy one day, have I ever been bitten or harmed in any way by a dog. So, I wasn't quite expecting it when this little Cujo fucker took a huge chunk out of my hand.

And damn, did that shit hurt. Not only did it hurt, but it was bleeding and nobody was fucking doing anything! I realize that it was partly my fault for petting a dog without asking its owner if it's okay, but NOBODY DID ANYTHING! They all stared at me while I stood there crying until someone brought Alf back out and I got the fuck out of there.

The owner even said, "I'm sorry, but you shouldn't pet a foreign dog like that." Well, gee, I'm sorry, but you should fucking bring Cujo to Petsmart where he's going to have to be in a socialized fucking enviornment! Geebus Christmas.

So I told my mom and dad and they're both pissed and the situation will be handled. It was just upsetting to me because I really do love dogs, and I never want to believe that they would ever do anything like that to me! I guess I'm not the dog whisperer after all.

Just another random note: Tomorrow it will be FOUR MONTHS since I've talked to Matt One. That would boggle my mind if I gave some kind of shit at all, but fortunately I don't.

In other news, it seems that lately I've been extremely productive at work and it's actually kind of strange. I think my new system of getting a certain amount done before letting myself check my email for new mail from Matt is really helping me get things done faster. I did things so fast today that there was actually a 15 minute period where...I HAD NOTHING TO DO! That just doesn't happen. I think my boss just doesn't know what to do with me right now.

I think I've just reached another plateau, the one in between getting past the probation period and the one right before I get promoted again, so we'll see about that, I suppose.

Anyway. I have to go to court tomorrow for a red light ticket to request defensive driving. And right now I'm watching a Sex and the City that always gets to me, the one where Carrie sees Big and Natasha for the first time. *sigh*

I'm out.

*****
1
"I'm also scared because I know someday, you're just going to stop being sad about me and eventually you'll just forget about the good times and the happy times and the nookie and the road trips."

2
"And I can't help but think that she was crazy happy when he had himself a nice little blond girl who wasn't socially retarded and now here I am."

3
"It's "we're college students and none of us know anyone so lets get together for random situations so we can make life long friends out of each other" week, and I learned a long time ago that that stuff isn't for me. I'm too antisocial for that."

4
"Last night I had a dream about Chandra Levy."