Church Boy vs. Matt - Round 1

November 24, 2004

So yesterday I had a unique opportunity to really evaluate where I stand in the future of relationships.

I spent a good chunk of the day with Matt. I thought it might be interesting to do so, since I haven't seen him in a month and everything. We did a lot of secret shopping, and it really wasn't fun at all. The nookie wasn't even all that great, and that's coming from ME, a deviant soul since a very early age.

You know things are bad that practically the only thing that's kept us together, that being the nookie, was not as good as it used to be.

And then, I got to go to church to see the boy I really WANTED to see, that being Church Boy. There's so many differences between the two of them, I don't even know where to start.

Matt stresses me out. He used to make me smile and laugh and feel good about myself, but now he only stresses me out to the max and I no longer have a good time in his presence. There's the moments that are few and far between where I occasionally laugh and remember why I'm with him in the first place, but those are rare. Mostly, I'm just uneasy. I feel like I shouldn't be there. I feel like I have to be careful what I say, because if I say the wrong thing, he'll get all pissed off and be mad at me for like 30 minutes or something.

And it seems like the things I can't say are the things that are totally the most obvious things to say, you know? Like, the white elephant that's sitting right next to us in his truck.. we can't talk about it even though it's obviously there. That's why we haven't talked about THE GIRL in a year and a half. There's so many little things I never bring up, because I that if I do, we're going to have to talk about it for hours and hours and nothing will be accomplished.

Over the years, he has really worked on developing his psychology skills so that he can literally explain any situation in his defense. This does not EVER work out well for ME. A perfect example is the fact that he ran out of gas yesterday. Seriously. On the highway. A very busy highway. I was really scared for my life for a while because we almost didn't have a shoulder to pull over on.

The thing is, his gas light came on the second he got in the car. There was 5,000 opportunities for him to get gas. He actually said, like three times, "Wouldn't it be ironic if I ran out of gas?" Oh yeah, so ironic. When we actually pulled over to the shoulder and I finished yelling at him, he explained why he ran out of gas and why he didn't stop earlier to fill it up. What's really weird about that is that it actually started making sense as to WHY he RAN OUT OF GAS! I almost APOLOGIZED for yelling at him because everything he said about running out of gas was perfectly logical.

That's not right, people. If he can explain running out of gas, I'm sure he'll be able to explain why he cheated on me and got someone else pregnant once we get married.

I guess I always put up with it for two reasons:
1. Because I didn't think I had any other option.
2. Because I thought things would get better in the future.

But guess what? In the month I haven't seen him, I've done some growing. I've started looking at the other options I have. I realized that even if we didn't work out, I'm not going to wither up and die.

I was so stressed out the entire time I was with him. I couldn't stop thinking about getting to church and seeing the boy I really truly like a lot at this point in time. Matt ALMOST made me late for church, but I managed to get there with 10 minutes to spare.

And the very second I saw Church Boy standing in the hallway, eating a cookie and looking 10 kinds of hot, I calmed down. I forgot about my day. I had a smile on my face. I was unstressed.

Church Boy makes me happy. He asks about my day, my novel, my job situation. He remembers everything we talk about. He looks at me with total and complete interest when I talk to him. I feel so very comfortable when I'm with him, like I can absolutely say anything I want and he wouldn't judge me at all.

Even if we don't have a romantic relationship, he would be such an awesome friend to have. We have a great rapport and we always ALWAYS have stuff to talk about. With Matt, whenever we go out to eat and we've already talked about our day and what's going on in our lives... there's not much else to talk about. Chances are, in the 7 years we've known each other, we've already covered everything we need to say. And with Church Boy, we never run out of things to talk about. I like that. I like that a lot.

I feel like he's given me renewed confidence in myself. I feel like, in the last month, that I've opened up to new experiences and people and challenges. I used to feel that way about Matt, but that was a long time ago. A few betrayals and a whole lot of apathy later.. I'm over it. He no longer challenges me.

My roomate, when I told her about my adventures yesterday, said that I sound happy when I talk about Church Boy. I AM happy, man! He makes me feel things that I haven't felt in a LONG time.

Here's a shocking revelation.. last night when our leader guy was talking about what we're going to do when this class is over (next week! Bwah!), and he mentioned that some of us might want to become small group leaders for the next class that starts in January. I thought about that, and I couldn't think of a single reason not to do that. Church Boy is our group leader and it doesn't look that hard. Plus, when I told him that might be something I want to do, he got this huge smile on his face and said that would be awesome, and he was planning on asking me about it anyway.

So, there I am. I'm putting my hat in to be a small group leader next year. I'm stepping it up. I've been going to church for four years and I've always made excuses as to why I haven't taken it to the next level yet, but I feel that now is the right time to just do it. I've felt like a church fraud for so long because I never felt like I was there for the same reason everyone else was. I feel really good about this decision. It makes me feel all warm inside.

After next week, our group is only going to meet once a month. I don't know how often I'll be seeing Church Boy, so I'm going to have to step it up again and make an effort to try to spend time with him. I don't know where this is going.. there was really no indication yesterday that he wants the same things I do. But we shall see, I suppose.

I'm also concerned about his shoe situation. They seemed to be some kind of clog-like contraption, and he wasn't wearing socks! What's up with that? Is that some kind of Texas A&M Frat Boy thing that I should know about? But as Ali-Kat so accurately said, at least they weren't velcro.

Man alive, when we were leaving last night, he put on this baseball hat, and he was standing there in his jeans and blue shirt and hat and weird clogs, and RAWRR!!! He's hot. Almost bald, yes. But hot nonetheless.

So there you have it. Matt = stressful and yucky. Church Boy = calm and happy. Also, that's the last time I take time from work to spend time with Matt, although it did feel kind of appropriate.. when I was in school I almost always took the Tuesday of Thanksgiving week off to spend time with him. I thought about that yesterday, and it made sense to me. But.. never again. He doesn't deserve that.

And as a sidenote, I am going to the farm today for Thanksgiving fun. If I see Farm Guy, and I don't see why I wouldn't, that would mean I would have seen all five of my boyfriends in one week's time. I saw Client Guy last Wednesday, I saw Mike the bank boyfriend on Monday (although I looked like I was on my deathbed, so nothing interesting came out of that), a double whammie yesterday and Farm Guy today! That makes me feel all squishy inside.

This probably is going to be my longest entry of all time, and I'm okay with that.

On a totally different note, I heard "I Love You Always Forever" on the radio this morning, and it was such an appropriate song for today because once, a very long time ago, that was me and Josh's song. And as we all know, Thanksgiving week makes me all Josh-nostalgic.

The Josh story, VERY briefly, goes a little something like this: I met him on Matchmaker in the summer of 1996. We became friends, but we fought ALL THE TIME, mainly because he thought he was in love with me and I really didn't share the same feeling and that kinda frustrated him. I started dating Scott in late October, but there wasn't really any chemistry there and Josh started making sense to me in some kind of weird way and BOOM! During the week of Thanksgiving of 1996, things started happening. Every single day of this week was like a month in our relationship. Monday I started having feelings for him. By Tuesday I felt like I was in love with him. By Wednesday we were talking about dating, and by Thanksgiving we had decided to be "boyfriend and girlfriend." And oh, I hadn't even met the guy yet.

He was not a good guy, and I am lucky to say that I got my first and last abusive relationship over and done with by the time I was 17. It took me SO LONG to get over this guy and the spirit he took away from me, but damn, that was 8 years ago! It's so very hard to believe that. I think I can safely say that at this point, I have fully recovered.

So, yay for that.

Confidential to Ali-Kat: PLEASE COME ON TUESDAY! It would really mean a lot to me! And I know you WANT to meet Church Boy! You're just DYING to meet him!

Also, if you're bored over the holiday, please read a few pages of my completed novel and tell me if it sucks hardcore or not. And if you wish, you can also read my 2002 novel and part of my 2003 novel. I know. I'm a dork. Oh, and the "MG" who is a punk and didn't leave your real name or location in my guestbook: It's a first draft. Go fuck yourself, and then stick a turkey up your ass.

Quick hits:
- I am really into Maroon 5 right now. So much so that I changed the ring tone on my phone to the acoustic version of "She Will Be Loved", which is weird, but awesome anyway. Also, Eminem. I am planning on listening to the new Eminem album on the way to the farm today! Yay!

- I love Thanksgiving. I really do. I'm going to see my brother and his doggie and all the relatives I only see once a year and it's really cold outside (42 degrees!) and Farm Guy!

- Trim Spa. I love it. I know I'm not supposed to, but I seriously do anyway. When I take it, I'm so not hungry at all. And when I do eat, I eat so much less because I get fuller faster. It's a miracle drug!

That is all. I'm sorry this was so long, but bite me anyway. Also, the entry I wrote two years ago.. I still remember writing that. I still remember completely falling apart and then going to church later with Natalie and hardly being able to keep myself together with her. So, read it, and read this entry, and then put your hand down your pants.

*****

a year ago...
"But I REFUSE to belive that the last year of my life was a waste!"

2 years...
"I have never felt so completely abandoned in my life. I have never felt so isolated.. or alone.. or pathetic.. or.. just a big mixture of anger, sadness, and frustration. I'm never going to let myself feel this way again. It hurts too much."

3 years...
"Oh yes, and I am the Queen of Tetris."