Welcome to Obsession Land!

October 13, 2004

Ahhh, the day after my birthday. Are there any other days quite so anti-climatic, except for maybe the day after Christmas? I mean, what do I have to look forward to now?! Other than like, you know, losing weight and finding a job and stuff like that.

Although, with my birthday money that is finally sitting in my bank ready to be used, I paid some bills. In fact, I spent $260 on paying bills in a matter of 10 minutes. Aren't you proud? Yesterday I was able to buy my wondeful and beautiful CSI Season 4 DVD, which just came out yesterday and which I've been wanting ever since I heard about it in July.

Things I plan on buying after work: Groceries, brow and lip wax, a new shirt for an interview tomorrow, a DVD tower, and a new DVD/VCR combo, because I don't have a working VCR and that's just silly. I also got paid today, which in my world means that I'm all kinds of rich! Watch out, Mall!

Today I'm totally in la-la land. Even a visit to the client I've had a little crush on for the past 6 months hasn't taken me out of my little mini-funk.

You know what it is? I know that most of you are normal and have no idea what I'm talking about, but I am totally full throttle in my little Obsession land at the moment. The land of bad sleep because I'm dreaming about the obsession in question ALL NIGHT LONG and that doesn't make for a lot of restful sleep. The land of not being able to think about anything else but this fucking obsession, the land of wishing I could just like.. shoot a hole in my brain so it could all come seeping out and I'd be done with it, for fuck's sake.

But at the same time, and I know I've talked about this before but bear with me, it's oddly comforting at the same time. I know how to have an obsession. I KNOW what happens and how I'll react and I KNOW that it will end up badly because it always does, but at least I KNOW that and am somewhat prepared for it. When I'm in Obsession Land, I'm just kinda comfortable here and I do nothing to change the fact that I'm here.

Okay, so yeah, if you're wondering.. currently inhabiting Obsession Land is Farm Guy. And instead of maybe not going to the farm for maybe a month or so, I'm already looking forward to going next weekend for his daughter's birthday party. And when I'm there, instead of avoiding him and doing something constructive, I'm probably going to seek him out and do my best to make a good impression in front of him. See what I'm doing there? Instead of taking a break to convince myself that these feelings are absolutely retarded, I'm putting myself head first into the whole thing. It's a little disconcerting. And A LOT psycho.

But I still refuse to say anything to him about it. And I don't want anybody else to, either. What I want is for my feelings to be so obvious, yet subtle at the same time, that he figures it out on his own. I want me to act so differently towards him than I have in the past, yet in a SUBTLE way, so that he finally notices it one day and thinks, "Wow, she must really dig me!" And then have him take it from there. I know that's mighty passive-agressive of me, but the thing is, it's STILL not worth initiating anything because of the possible consequences. Worst case scenario: he'd probably have to quit and /or be fired if he was doing the boss's daughter, right? Grawr.

I just don't think he'd want to do that to my dad, anyway. They're buddies. They have a great amount of respect for each other. And I don't think Farm Guy would want to risk that just because I keep having dreams about him. It's a nice thought, though.

I just keep thinking about that bed that he made with his own two hands and those beautiful eyes and all the shit he's overcome and how smart he is and how he maintains my puppies and how nice he is to me and.. and.. and.. yeah.

When I'm in Obsession Land, Matt is in some other land that doesn't apply to my life. You know? Like, I just don't care that much about him. I want Farm Guy. I want a relationship with him. I want to stay up all night in his trailer and talk about where he's been and where he wants to go and I want act all shy and avoid him when we have to hide it from my dad so that it's just THAT much more intense.

A perfect example of what I'm talking about as to him actually just figuring it out on his own.. there's an episode of CSI where Sara wipes something off Gil's face after they've been knocking down walls, and she's just so in love with him that she doesn't even notice how tender she's being with him, and it seems like Gil finally gets it for the first time. Like that!

Man alive, I'm WAY too into CSI. I was just watching it last night and I was playing the CD Rom and the book was on the floor and I'm like, damn! I'm a CSI whore!

That was a tangent, and I apologize. Meanwhile... for some reason, I feel like I have the capacity to attract him in some form or fashion, and that's probably not even true! I mean, we get along. He wants me to participate in the things he does. But is he just being nice, is he just that friendly, or does he genuinly care about me?

See what a complete freak I am in Obsession Land? Someone needs to commit me.

Although my mood has improved greatly upon learning that Friday has been deemed Fair Day by my dad and we don't have to come to work, just because that's when he wants to go to the fair. It must be nice to have that kind of power.

Also, the show Everybody Loves Raymond irritates me greatly. I never watched one show until I met my roommate, and now we're nightly watchers. What the hell is wrong with these people? The mother is absolutely one of the worst people ever portrayed on TV! Ray has to lie to get sex. His brother hates him and always has mean things to say. Ray's mom and dad can't stand each other. I just think this show is slightly horrifying, although my roommate says "Just wait until you live with a guy, it's EXACTLY like that!"

*cringe*

I want to shop now. I also want to go to East Texas and involve myself in a relationship that is completely doomed, but that's neither here nor there.

Random picture of the day:

Yeah. Pretty much what I'm feeling today.

*****
2 years ago..
"I went to the BL's for my birthday festivities of the day, and of all things, they got me a carrot cake! When have I ever, in the whole history of ever, wanted a carrot cake? It just boggled my mind that they had gotten me this cake, and it just occured to me that I spent way too much time dreaming in my head that everyone has to know what I like and everyone must cater to my likes."

3 years..
"Now, I don't expect the world to stop and celebrate my horribly boring 22nd birthday, but I do expect something. Anything. Maybe breakfast in bed. Or moonlight walk, hand in hand. Maybe a hug and a kiss and a gasp.. perhaps even a card. Did I get any of these things from him? No. We didn't even get it on this weekend. Oh, the humanity."