Food poisoning: the most effective method of weight loss! Plus, other stuff.

December 20, 2004

Alright, okay, so I have a million things to spill out on this page today, so let's go slow.

1. The food poisoning.

Things I would like to note about food poisoning:
a. It sucks.
b. It's an interesting sensation to have my toes and legs keep cramping up when I'm trying to sleep because I'm so entirely dehydrated.
c. Leaving vomit and other assorted bodily features in bathrooms throughout the Dallas area.
d. Losing my bank card probably somewhere in the hospital after going to the doctor and once again throwing up all over the damn place, and then having to go to the bank the next day and cancel the card and get a new one.
e. SO loving the taste and comfort of a Sprite after having no liquid in my body whatsoever, even somehow knowing that I would eventually be throwing that up, too.
f. Not needing to pee after drinking liquids because I was rehydrating myself.

What sucked the most about the whole thing was knowing that it was my fault and I totally could have prevented it. A few weeks ago I promised myself I wouldn't go to McDonalds again, but I did it anyway. I know this is God's way of telling me that I need to stop with the crazy crazy eating, and you know what? I have. In the past 4 days I've lost almost 10 pounds because I've just calmed the fucked down. I didn't order pizza yesterday like I kinda wanted to do. I haven't had Dr. Pepper at all. I went to lunch with my church group yesterday and all I had was a turkey sandwich and bottled water. I'm going to have Subway for lunch today. It's quite amazing, actually. We'll see how long I can keep it up.

I'm still bummed about missing Thursday night, but that's what I get for fucking my body up.

Here's a picture of me on Friday. This was around 2:00, and the only thing I had eaten since vomiting out my insides 36 hours earlier was a popsicle. I was not doing well:

And here's a better picture of me from this morning:

So, that was that. I'm feeling good today. My stomach doesn't hurt anymore. We're all good.

Now, let us turn to the subject of church. I spent a lot of time with various church people yesterday, so here we go!

I got all pretty to go to church and I was feeling it, too. I've lost a little weight now and my hair is all lovely and long and yeah.. I was feeling good about it. I went to Sunday School and yep, there he was. Church Boy in all his glory. You know that feeling when you've been building someone up in your mind for weeks and weeks, and then boom, there they are, live and in person? Yeah. It's weird.

I must have been emitting poison vibes or something because nobody sat next to me, not even him! It really made me a little sad! Why didn't he want to sit next to me?! He sat near me and did ask how I was doing and if I was feeling better and crap, but man alive.. it was not exactly the reception I was looking for from him.

So then we move on to the actual service, in which we did actually sit together. But.. I mean, what can you do during a service? I shouldn't sit next to him during the service anymore.. it's about impossible to concentrate on anything other than wanting to touch him or hold his hand or something to that effect.

So, here's an interesting turn of events: during the service, my new friend Bonnie says excitedly, "Do you want to join?!" And since I thought she meant, "Do you want to join the CHOIR?" I politely declined, but what she really meant was did I want to join the church with her?

And really, I've been going to this church for a while now and I feel really comfortable there and I'm getting to know a lot of the people there and such, so why shouldn't I join? So after the service I walked down and me and Bonnie and this other chick all joined together. It turns out you really need to be baptized to join, so pretty much everyone in my Sunday school class came down and watched the little ceremony, which really was nothing more than getting some water on me and you know.. God and stuff. So that was cool. Church Boy was also there, so I'm glad he got to share in that particular moment with me.

After that, we went to eat and it was really boring and due to long lines and other factors I didn't get to sit by Church Boy, nor did we get to really talk much. This was really bumming me out, dude! And it wasn't like he was making an effort to talk to me, either!

The really craptacular part of the day was when it was decided we were all going to see Ocean's Twelve. I agreed to go only because I thought Church Boy was going with us. It's not like I was anxious to see this movie for the third time, right? Right before we left the restaurant, I ask him if he's coming, and he says he has to check to see if his parents need him for anything first.

Well, crap. The whole 10 minute drive to the theater I was like, "Please let him be there, please please please please!" And was he? Of course he wasn't there. And of course I acted the same way I did when I was 12 and Travis couldn't come with me and Courtney to the football game, and then the same way I acted when Farm Guy didn't come to the fair with us - I pouted. And once again, I wondered to myself how it is that I always seem to get the guy who doesn't come to the junior high dance! Out of everyone, I thought he would be the boy who does, but yesterday he proved me wrong, which made me sad. But hey, it was just a movie, right?

I was really upset about this, man! And man alive was I bored with this movie. Although I do understand it just a little bit better, except two things:

a. When George Clooney gets a wake up call, he looks at his watch! So wouldn't he know that it's not really 5:00 AM?
b. Did Matt Damon know what was happening the whole entire time and he had to coordinate the rest of the guys according to HIS plan?

Those are things I'm still confused about.

So, whatever. I'm not feeling the Church Boy love, and I know he has a lot on his mind right now with all the vacations he's about to go on and the work and the everything else, but damnit! Does he like me or what? Is he truly waiting until things are less crazy, or is he just not that into me? It's a question that I'm driving myself insane with.

But.. as Axl says, I just need a little patience. In 3 weeks, when he's back from vacation and all the holidays and birthdays are over, and when I've lost more weight and look more fabulous than ever.. things will be good.

And also, against my mom's better judgement, I sent him a short little email last night about how I'm sorry I didn't really say goodbye yesterday because I thought he was going to the movie, and I hope he has a fantastic holiday. He hasn't emailed me back yet. Grawr.

That's pretty much how I'm feeling this morning about life in general. I got the call about an hour ago about the job.. I didn't get that, either. And yeah.. it was not a job I was really all that excited about, but it would have been a fantastic opportunity for me. I feel like I'm right on the edge of getting things that I want, but something, some little tiny thing, is always in the way of me getting it. Maybe 2005 will be all about learning how to overcome that one little thing. Let's hope so.

I'm also wondering why Yahoo Launch Cast is all about the Guns N Roses advertising, but they still have yet to play any actual GN'R songs! What's up with that!

I'm also wondering why every radio station in Dallas loves the song "Love Bites" by Def Lepard so damn much. Don't get me wrong, I love it too... but it always reminds me of Ryan and I can do without the constant reminders.

I totally haven't mentioned Matt in this entry at all. I don't think I've even thought about him in like an hour or two. He's been out of town, and he doesn't bother trying to call me or send me cute text messages or emails anymore. I called him on Saturday to let him know about a secret shopping related item, and he was all, "Okay, thanks, I'm on the other line, bye." As opposed to when I talked to Church Boy for 6 minutes and 22 seconds on Thursday.

I do have to say, though.. I was watching Hope Floats last night, and there was a song from that movie that hit me like a ton of bricks, and that would be "To Make You Feel My Love" by Garth Brooks. I actually cried, people. That movie came out near the beginning of our relationship and that song just reminded me of those beginning feelings that were pure and happy and true, those feelings that I'll never be able to get back. Good times, right?

I'm really not as grumpy as I appear! I'm going to do the rest of my Christmas shopping tonight, which excites me in the pants. Plus, Christmas is like, in mere days! That's good! And and and, I think I'm making a new friend out of New Friend Bonnie! We went to the same junior high and shared the same best friend AND she teaches at the elementary school I went to. We even exchanged numbers yesterday! Yay New Friend Bonnie!

As a sidenote, I'm feeling a little weary about upcoming holidays because, for the first time in like, 8 years.. I have no huge plans. No road trips, no big moves to Austin, nothing. I feel like the next 3 weeks or so will be crazy boring, especially with no hope of a new job on the horizon. But, at least I can take those weeks to be productive on stuff so that next year I can have road trips to look forward to.

Matt isn't even talking about taking a road trip with me anymore, although I'm sure if I brought it up we'd figure something out. But I guess he knows I'm not willing to rearrange anything for him right now, so I have that going for me at least.

Here's more pictures for good times:

Here's one of me from the Christmas party last weekend:

Here's me and Natalie at Borders:

Pictures of my mom and her horsie, Moon Baby:

And of course, here's a picture of PD for good measure:

That is all.

*****

A year ago I went on hiatus.

2 years ago...
"I would rearrange my entire life if he just asked me to. I would lie to everyone I know if I had to, just to see him again. That's just me. That's who I am. I lived for him, and it's just so hard that he's living so easily without me now."

3 years ago..
"I'm going to be in Florida for the next week, and after that, I'm going to Las Vegas. For a few days. To see Guns N Roses. Which is really just about my dream come true, but that's okay."