December 23rd: thou day art sucketh.

December 23, 2004

It's very much in my nature to be contemplative about what happened in the past, we all know that. And I generally consider this date, December 23, to be widely recognized as "The Worst Day of My Life", circa 2002. This date in 2002 was when I found out that me and Matt were really and truly over. It was when I found out that he already had another girlfriend. And it was when I figured out who she was.

I remember that day with total clarity. I remember what I ate that day (Einstien's Bagels - I had a bagel dog, some chips, and a pickel.), I remember what I was wearing that day. I remember how I got him to finally ask me to come over. I remember how close we were when I went over, and I remember how he dropped the bomb, and I remember going home and crying harder than I ever had in my entire life.

This was not a pleasant day in my history, but you know what? I'm over it. I am over it. I can say that with confidence. It doesn't bother me anymore. I can look back on that day and see how far I've come. I can remember when I had to mark off the hours on a piece of paper just to show how I've made it through yet another one. I can remember how it was completely impossible to pull myself together. I can remember that, and I can finally pat myself on the back because I've come a long way from that girl. A year of barely surviving in Austin, and then another year of building a foundation in Dallas has changed me, and I can appreciate that for what it is: it's great. It's great that I can see change and progress, and in 2 years, I'll even be able to look back on this day and know I've changed light years since now.

It happens, and now I'm over it.

*****
"He held me today. He made me think that there was a glimmer of hope. He made me think that I still had some kind of involvement in his life. But now I'm sitting here talking to him, pretty much begging to see him again so we can ravage each other one more time, and it's just rock bottom. It's raining, there's lightening, I look good, and it would just be so awesome to see him one more time. To spend one more night in his arms. To feel, for one night, how I used to feel: invincible. Like nothing could ever touch me because I had someone and their strength behind me. It was okay that I wasn't strong because he was strong, and he backed me up. But now I have nothing to back me up. I'm out here on my own. And it sucks. Oh my god, it sucks so bad.

He held me today. He held me in his arms and stroked my hair and my face and he made me feel like everything is okay when it's not okay. He is in love with someone else. He is 24 years old, and he wants to settle down soon, and he's going to lose his virginity to her and marry her and have children with her!"