I'm fat: a thesis of fun

August 08, 2006

To share with you my thoughts today, I offer this nugget from 5 years ago:

I'll save some valuable space here and just put it to you like this: I am fat. I am fat. I am fat. Fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat. I am fat. I am fat. I am fat.

Yep. That's about all I'm able to think about today. Cuz I'm fat. And it seems like I'm always going to be fat, and I won't ever allow myself to lose weight, and this is really starting to be annoying.

I know if I lose weight, I would be the most stylish chick on the block. I would be sooo cool, and I just want to lose weight so I can look good and feel better, and I can't, and it's driving me crazy, and I'll just shut the hell up now.

Ironic, because it seems like every single year during this time I get that way. I really cannot stand the sight of myself right now, honestly. I can put make up on, I can wear my favorite
jeans, I can get expensive haircuts and highlights (caramel highlights, thank you very much!), and it doesn't matter...I still can't stand my body right now. I was 21 when I wrote that up there, and at 26 some of the background might have changed, but I still feel exactly the same way.

I hate this time of the year. It's August, it's hot, that is just a fact. Like many others around the planet, we have had a particulary brutal summer. I mean, even right now, at 10:23 at night, it's still 99 degrees. That's just not right.

But back to my point...it's been a hot summer and everyone has been wearing their hot people clothes and the basic truth is...I look like shit in those kinds of clothes. I get to the point where I look at my arms in the mirror and think, "Hmm, maybe they're starting to look acceptable for appropriate summer clothing." But then I see a picture of myself and my arms look like 2 giant pigs attached to my body. I hate my arms and I have for the past billion years. I would so much very love to wear sleeveless shirts, and I haven't been able to do that ever since I started gaining weight almost 10 years ago.

Blah blah blah, do something about it, right? Well, fuck, I'm eating better, I'm going to the gym, and I still look pregnant. My legs still look like totem poles. My arms still look like hams. I mean, it would probably be good to give it a couple of more weeks and such, but right now it's just so tempting to eat Freebirds everyday and never work out.

And here's a stupid fact about me: I have PCOS. I need to take pills for this. I have the pills to take. I do not take them. If I took them and improved my thyroid issues and my testosterone issues, it's likely I will lose weight at a faster pace and become healthier and less man-like all at the same time. I don't know why I don't take them, it's the big mystery of my life.

I have lost weight in the 5 years since I wrote that I'm Fat diatribe. A year or so after that I lost 20 pounds. That was when I was up to 200, and I've never gotten within 10 pounds of that number again, which is of course a good thing. I did gain about 10 pounds of it back. When I moved to Austin and was unemployed for a long amount of time, I had nothing to do but work out and for a few months, I was looking better than I had since I was a teenager. But it was a rough year and I gained most of it back again. Then last year I lost 20 pounds thanks to Meridia and kinda sorta starving myself every now and then and I looked good, but I wasn't really working out so not that good. At one point, I dipped into the 160's, but that never lasted for long.

I really am grateful to have a boyfriend that is supportive and lovely and doesn't care if I eat another cookie and will still have vigorous crazy monkey sex with me. Sometimes Josh is the only thing that keeps me sane when I'm about to have a fatty panic attack.

All in all, I've been losing and gaining the same 30 pounds for the last 5 years. I don't know how to change that. I'm really trying hard to do better this time around but it's just...hard. It's disconcerting. It sucks, basically. I mean, I don't really think of myself as obese...when I'm wearing the proper clothes I can look decently medium-sized. But I know people look at me and probably see right through me a good majority of the time. I just blend in, I don't stand out because of this horrid fat I have growing on me, and it affects every single thought I have about myself.

As a sidenote, I may have lost a little weight in the past couple of weeks, but I refuse to weigh myself. Pretty much, I know my fat and I know when I've lost some fat, and it doesn't feel like I have yet, and I don't want to get discouraged by what the creepy scale of death has to say about it.

Wow, this is boring. I apologize for the boringness. My point is, really, that I hate August and I can't wait for the fall. I can't wait to wear long sleeve shirts and my leather jacket and boots. I am really looking forward to that point, so much so that I can hardly stand it.

I also kinda wish I was going back to school, that I could buy school supplies (my favorite thing to do ever) and live in a dorm and wake up early in the morning and study. But, then again, working and making money does have its privledges, yes indeed.

Speaking of working, I did such an obscene amount of work today, it was pretty ridiculous. I need a raise.

Right now we're working on a stupid amount of wrestling shows. Like, today I did a show on the history of ECW. Now, as some of us know, I used to be a fan of wrestling and thus I kinda feel like I have an edge over my co-workers. One of them asked what a particular move was...I looked over and without really thinking about it, said, "Oh, that's a piledriver." I'm kind of ashamed about it, to tell you the truth.

I do have to say...even though I have left my love for wrestling far behind, Shawn Michaels still gives me a twinkle in my eye and just knowing that Degeneration X (I even used to have a DX t-shirt!) is out there makes me smile a little. And yeah, I'm kind of ashamed of that, too.

It is important to note that I bought a TV this weekend with my lottery money. It's purty. It's 27 inches and it makes a little beepy noise when you turn it on, like it's saying "HELLO, HUMAN!" It was a good chunk of money but like I said, it's a purty piece of machinery!

Oh, and I find it funny that my first entry with this new layout has me quoting myself at the beginning of the entry. I guess while I happen to find myself repulsive a lot of the time, I also quite entertain myself, too. Also: if you want to make me a new layout (with AXL!!!), I'll give you $7.

I guess I should be going to bed or something, so, yeah. This entry was boring but what can I do? My fatty Mcfatterson-ness is weighing heavily (heh) on my mind these days.