Sometimes...

May 21, 2007

Okay, it's definitely time to step away from the TV for a while. You know why? Because sometimes I forget my life is not a TV show or a movie. Like, sometimes Josh forgets to take his phone with him and sometimes I call him 24 times in a 2 hour period because sometimes I've watched the CSI season finale 8 times in the past 3 days and sometimes I forget that Josh wasn't kidnapped by the miniature killer and placed under a Mustang in the Nevada Desert. Sometimes. And then sometimes I wonder how I became crazy and then sometimes I have to figure out why the crap I'm crying at work.

Sometimes.

Um, anyway. Now that I have started my CSI detox (everything except fanfic. Fanfic will stay.), how about talking about real life events for a moment. Fantastic!

First of all, it's almost summer. And every single year around this time I start dreading it, like summer is really any different than any other time of the year anymore, except it's about 20 degrees hotter. It's just that my mom is gone, my dad's going on a lot of trips, Josh doesn't really like to go out, and I don't seem to have any friends...and that's not making the next couple months of my life look any kind of appealing.

Like...not that I hung out with Natalie much anyway, but she's in California. God knows where the hell Alison is, and I'm afraid to call her mom and ask her. I really enjoy my friends at work, but we don't socialize. So...how the crap do I make friends anymore?

My mom wants me to go back to church, but there's a reason why I don't go to church anymore, and it's not about stupid church boys or anything like that...it's because I feel like such a fraud when I'm there. It's because I'm not like those people. It's because I'd feel so guilty just even being in a church because I like to enjoy me some premarital sex. I don't want to go to a place that I know is against the things I do. That's the conclusion I've come to after so many years of trying to go to church, enjoying the company of the girls in the groups I've joined, and yet totally feeling like an outsider because I didn't grow up that way. I feel spiritual sometimes, I feel God's presence sometimes, but not the way they do. And I don't think I ever will. And that's why I don't want to do that anymore.

Plus, I could definitely go on Sunday, that's not the problem. But if I joined a group, they always meet during the week at night when I'm at work. And that's a problem.

So...there I am again. I need friends. I need something to do on Saturday night. And like maybe with work friends, but they are that: work friends. I can't rely on them to be my only friends, that's just sad.

I don't know. I miss my mom. I don't like how Josh seems to enjoy playing Halo 3 instead of hanging out with me sometimes. I don't like how reliant I've become on television to entertain me or Freebirds to feed me. It's just all very sad and frustrating, or maybe it's just the hormones talking (sometimes I do get a little weird the week after my period), or maybe I'm just weird. Whatevs. All I know is that this summer is probably going to suck.

And at work, people keep getting fired. And I'm not worried about that, because first of all I'm too awesome to be fired, and second of all, I have almost 2 1/2 years here, I finally have the title of senior editor, and I can get some good references, so if it comes down to that, I don't think it would be too hard to find another job. Not as hard as last time, anyway. It's just bad for morale around here when everything keeps changing. Bargh.

I'm frustrated with many things, such as my appearance and my lack of a social life and the fact my mommy is gone and my boyfriend is not so much with the attentiveness and you know...such is life.

I haven't had a good woe is me entry for a while, so I thought I'd share while I was feeling poopy.

In other news, I'm working on my REAL epic fanfic, and I'm getting a lot of positive reviews from it. I know it's sad, but that is making me happy right now. It's the little things, you know?