The one where I talk again about being old!

December 26, 2007

Hi, y'all. I hope you all had lovely holidays and will have an awesome new year, and all that kind of stuff.

As for me, Christmas was a little strange. I did enjoy spending 3 straight days at the farm, because oh wow did I get some quality puppy lovin' in. Presents were opened yesterday and I got a new digital camera, an iPod that I'm going to take back because even though it's a new fancy touch screen, I like the one I bought last year just a little better. I got a Kate Spade purse. I don't know why, but I love me some Kate Spade. I also got a purse that I think belongs to a dominatrix. I learned that my mom doesn't know what a dominatrix is.

I miss my mommy and my brother. My dad is lovely, but I miss those Christmas mornings when I wake up at 5 in the morning and I wake my brother up and we go wake my mom and dad up. Of course, we didn't do that after I was 14 or so, but those were a good 14 years before that we did do it. And I miss it, and boohoo on growing up. Growing up sucks and I don't want to do it anymore.

Speaking of which, I came across this entry in my old diary from almost exactly 5 years ago. It was when Matt and I had just broken up and I was all stupid and depressed about it, and I said...

It also sucks that if I spend 5 years with someone else without marrying him or anything, I'll be 28 years old and that will just suck. I'm getting older. I want to settle down and have kids soon, damnit! I thought I was going to be doing that with Natt! Why did I have to be wrong about that?

When I was 23, what did I think I would be doing at 28 years old? Did I think I'd be married and having babies left and right? Because at 28 years old, let me tell you guys this...I just feel lost. I have no idea where I'm supposed to be. To watch some of my favorite movies and TV shows of the past, I'm starting to realize that most of the characters I was fascinated by are my age now or were younger, and that freaks me out a little bit. Like...

- The main character in one of my all time favorite books, Pink Slip...she's just 25. And she's in this relationship with the boss and she's really smart and witty and I'm OLDER than her now!

- Another main character in another one of my favorite books, Good in Bed...she was 28 when she got pregnant and had her baby and sold her screenplay and all that. Argh!

- I know Friends is a dorky show to compare my life to, but they were all around 25 when they started the show in '94. I'm older than some of the Friends were in the beginning! Rawr!

I can keep going but you get the point. I just look at my life...I'm barely making $30,000 a year at what very well may be a dead end job, even though I still love it lots, I love the fact that I can go in every day and still wonder if I'm working on a shitty Lions Gate horror movie, or maybe I'll get to work on My So Called Life. I never know, and I dig that. It's still a pretty neato job, even if I do feel like the whole department is in jeopardy at all times.

I have a boyfriend. We all know this. A few months ago, we both agreed that neither of us wanted to live together and/or get married any time soon. Yet we've been together for 2 years, we're both getting older and shouldn't we eventually come to some kind of decision about that? I worry about this, probably a lot more than what's normal. Sometimes I want one of us to shit or get off the pot, and sometimes I just enjoy going to his house when I feel like it, playing with the doggies and giggling and playing Guitar Hero and having really intense, awesome sex. And then I can go home and watch Friends and write fan fiction. But at some point, someday, someone will have to take responsibility for something, and I don't know if I'll ever be ready for that, and/or want that!

I don't know when this whole identity crisis thing started, but I just feel so old sometimes. I know 28 isn't old, but it's older. I'm not 23 anymore. Now if I spend another 5 years not really doing anything in particular, I'll be 33, and that just scares the shit out of me. It just does, and I don't really know what to do about it except just wonder all the time about what I'm really doing with my life. It's all very exciting, you see.

I haven't seen Josh since Saturday and we originally planned to hang out today. But it's the day after Christmas and I have to go back to work tomorrow and I'm not in a particularly good mood, so I'm going to lie on my sofa and watch TV and do my laundry and wonder what the hell this new year is going to bring. I want to be nicer to people. I want to lose weight. I want to make some basic decisions that I've been avoiding for years. I want to go on vacation, I want to find a better job, I want to eat less pizza and more salad. I want to make friends and be who I think I can be, the person that I've always thought I was.

When it comes down to it, I guess it's just baby steps. But at 28, I feel like the baby steps should have been taken by now, and I feel so weird sometimes that they just haven't.

OMG so tired of myself. I will be quiet now and wait for my pizza. And watch Friends.