My Charlie.

March 12, 2009

Hi. I know, I suck. But... (this is from LJ, in case you couldn't tell.)

I don't know how to say this without feeling like I'm saying it to get sympathy or whatever, but the thing is, it's a big deal and it happened and so here it is: my dad told me tonight that we lost my doggie boy Charlie a few days ago. He wouldn't go into details about how exactly it happened, but I gather it was some kind of car situation. He said he did go quickly and wasn't in pain, but there's really no way to know that, I think. He was 9 years old.

My dad called me at 11 AM to tell me we should have dinner. Well, that usually doesn't happen. And he wouldn't tell me what it was about, he just said we needed to talk. Many different things went through my head about what it could be about, but in my heart I thought it was probably Charlie. If it were anything else, he'd just wait to tell me when I saw him on Saturday. So when I finally got to his house at 6:30, after I freaked out all day about what he was going to tell me, I said..."Is it Charlie?" He said "Yes, we lost him."

Charlie was a survivor. He was so close to dying from Parvo when he was a puppy because his idiot owner, my boyfriend at the time's roommate, didn't get him the shots he needed.

I named Charlie when he was a puppy. I took him away from his idiot owner. He lived with my mom at first and then with my dad, and when that didn't work out, he lived at the farm. There were so many ways that could be a disaster--he didn't always get along with the bigger dogs, there were horses that didn't know what to do with him, there were all kinds of things at the farm that could bring him down. But he lived there for 6 years without getting into too much trouble.

When he was younger he would always sleep with me at the farm. He felt loyalty to both me and my dad so he'd be conflicted sometimes about which one of us he should sleep with. It was cute and endearing. He wasn't much of a snuggler but he always knew when I needed some affection.

Everyone has expected me to completely fall apart upon hearing this news. My dad cried when he told me. Everyone he's told have all expressed their sympathy for me, but really...I'm okay. I'm sad. I cried a little when he told me. But I haven't fallen apart like I thought I would. Maybe I'm in shock, or maybe I'm just an asshole...I don't get it, he was my little guy and I can't cry? A particularly touching moment in a TV show can make me cry but not the death of my baby doggie? It's ridiculous. I suspect that when I go to the farm this weekend, it will hit me. And it will not be pretty.

But for now I am at Josh's, and he is lovely and his two dogs are lovely. I am sad, but not devastated, not yet. Charlie had a good life and knew he was loved. He had a spirit and a demeanor that we all admired and appreciated, and he will be missed.