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Math = weight, looking back, and Utah, yay!

June 05, 2008

Diaryland, I feel you are a stranger to me these days, and this saddens me. Some time in the next month or so, we'll be celebrating our 7 year anniversary together. I can't leave you when I've been here for so long, it's just not right. I promise I'll be better. Or abandon you completely. I'm not sure yet.

The thing about having this thing for so long is going back and seeing that I have had the exact same feelings approximately 19,230 times. For example, I can plainly see that every year around this time, I start to really, really hate my body. And every time I vow to do something about it. 50% of the time I do. 50% of the time I don't. 100% of the time I always return to what I am right now: my highest weight. And it's depressing and I can't really say anything else about it that I haven't said approximately 19,230 times before. It's such an odd cycle, this body of mine, and I'm pretty fucking tired of it. I think when I get back from my vacation in July, I'll join Jenny Craig. I mean, that's better than nothing, right?

I've been working out a lot lately, and really intense work outs. A typical work out is like 45 minutes with the weights, 30 minutes of one kind of cardio, 15 minutes of more cardio, and 120 sit ups. I love it, it feels good. But inevitably what I eat cancels it all out. It's not pleasant.

I was also thinking about my problems with math that I've had my whole life. I can't tell you how many tutors I went to, how many people tried to sit down with me and explain about math. I just never got it. It's numbers, you guys. They don't change. It shouldn't be that fucking difficult. And yet it's like my weight, you know? It shouldn't be so hard but it always has been. So frustrating, y'all. Phhttt.

In more pleasant news, I am going on my annual Utah trip on the 30th! Of this month! And I'm going to see my mom and her new dog that I haven't met yet and see her horsies and rent a car and go to the Salt Lake City zoo and I'm about 10,000 kinds of excited. I'm taking a whole week and half off, so that should be interesting. I hope I still have a job when I get back...things are slow right now and I'm a little worried about future endeavors at the moment. It's not a good time to be out of the job at all. Urgh.

I'm not going to Vegas this year, which saddens me much. But last year when I was there and spent quite a bit of money in a period of only about 3 hours, I knew I needed to not come back:
a. until I'm at a new job, making more money that I can actually afford to spend in Vegas;
b. in the summer. It's way too hot to make any kind of sense.

So that's the first time I'm not going to Vegas in the summer since...2003. And this is unpleasant, but I'm glad I'm actually sticking to a vow I made for myself a year ago. Phhtt. Again.

In other news, this is from last year around this time...
Like...not that I hung out with Natalie much anyway, but she's in California. God knows where the hell Alison is, and I'm afraid to call her mom and ask her. I really enjoy my friends at work, but we don't socialize. So...how the crap do I make friends anymore?

Well, Alison IS back and we ARE hanging out. And I've been spending some time with my co-worker Kristy, whom I very much enjoy the company of, and it's all very lovely. This weekend we're having a party-like situation, and let me tell you about it, y'all. It's a Baby-Sitters Club TV show watching party, and yes, we're even going to dress up like them. Yes, we're too old to be doing that, and no, we don't care. I am sooo excited, I can't even tell you. It's nice to have friends that don't care about being really freakin' stupid sometimes. I like it.

In pop culture news:
- I love Burn Notice. I only watch it when I'm on the treadmill, so it's taken me a while to get through a whole season. But I did, and it's awesome, and I can't wait for the season 2 premiere next month. Whee!

- The MTV Movie Awards were pretty awesome. I loved the fact that the old folks made quite a showing. I love that Adam Sandler and Johnny Depp got more applause than craz-o Tom Cruise. And I can't even begin to describe my joy to see Wayne's World, 2008. Oh, happy.

- I still need to see the Sex and the City movie. I'm waiting for the hype to settle down before I do this.

- I have come to the realization that I watch far too much Friends. So I'm watching all my DVDs, all 10 seasons, and then de-Friending myself for...at least a year, I hope. I need to do this. It is necessary to my sanity.

That's about it. And because I haven't done this in so very long, here's some blasts from the past...

1
I had fun today. Actual human interaction is good for me. But I always manage to convince myself that it's easier to stay at home yet again than to hang out with people. I like my alone time, a whole lot. But I can't do that all the time or I'll really start feeling sorry for myself. It's kind of a cycle, as most things in my life really tend to be.

2
Also, I'm really, really tired of being fat. Like, I'm sick of it. I'm tired of my big giant stomach and my thighs rubbing together and not being able to fit in cute clothes and searching my entire closet on a Sunday night when I have like less than 10 minutes before I have to leave and not finding anything that looks remotely good and wishing that I could just wear a damn tank top like normal people when it's 95 degrees outside. I'm tired of it, man. I just am.

3
I know all this because for a couple of years in there, I was a big wrestling fan. I was a wrestling fan because of Matt. And when I first saw Steve Austin on that screen, I was almost unprepared for some of the anger that I felt.

4
But you know what? At least I thought I was happy. It was a pretty good time, and I miss it. I hate worrying about money and my dad and washing the dishes and getting over things. I want to go back to that which was living in a dorm, going to school for 4 hours a day, going on road trips whenever I wanted, seeing Matt all the time, and living in a world that wasn't real.

5
I feel bad. Last night I found this really weird looking creature outside my door. It was like a spider kind of thing, but it was like.. checkered or something! I've never seen anything like it. It was a spider or maybe even a roach, and it was just gross. So I got the Raid and sprayed it. I don't know if that bothered it or not, but it walked away from my door, causing me to be relieved that somehow he wasn't going to crawl under my door, walk to my bedroom, crawl up on my bed and attack me while I slept.

But still, it was an innocent little creature that maybe had to die because I was threatened by its weirdness. Poor little strange creature.

6
I met my suitemate tonight. I looked like hardcore shit. I had my hair up and my dirty Mavericks shirt on and we shook hands and I said, "I've lived here for 24 years so I can help you with anything you need." I felt like such a dingy dork after I said that. I always feel like a dork when I meet new people. That's why I want to lose weight - so I can have a better self concept and such.

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