ill-advised emails, hair distribution, and evil looking dogs

July 21, 2005

Guh, 6 AM. I wake up at this time every single day but it still makes my brain hurt.

So last night I walked into my writing class feeling like pretty hot stuff. I was wearing a skirt and my new sandals and looking like a girl for once. I was going to prove to Eric the no-showing no-calling crap boy that he's missing out on something good, oh yeah.

The whole 2 hours, I never look him in the eye, I never speak directly to him, we don't have that rapport we've always had, and it's just all wrong, but I was determined to play the part of the Cold Shoulder. I wanted him to know I was over it, that I don't appreciate the way he's completely blown me off like I'm not worth anything at all.

And so, I felt pretty good about that. For some totally random reason, when I answer "I don't know!" to a question our teacher asks me, she glances over at Eric and says, "Do you have control over her mind or something?" Eric said, "Uh...I don't know?" And she says, "I just need to cut the cord!" And then I say, "There is no cord." After class, I felt that I should tell her about me and Eric's fateful little date, and she says, "Ah, I thought I could smell something between you guys." Which is interesting.

Anyway, I felt pretty good about what I accomplished last night...until I got home and really thought about it. I am not a Cold Shoulder kind of girl, at all, whatsoever. I want you to know how I feel, and just point blank ignoring someone is not my style. So then I start to feel bad, maybe a little guilty, and a lot like a bitch. I'm really not a bitch, I swear! So...again'st my brother's advice, I wrote Eric an email.

E -

I feel I was uncharacteristically bitchy tonight, and I just want to apologize for that. That's not me. I don't do the Cold Shoulder thing very well at all.

I've never been one to mince words, so here it is - I dig you. I find you to be quite intruiging and intelligent and nutso in a good way, and I love reading what you write, even if it's just gratuitous porn. But I'm not blind, and I can see the signs that you don't really feel the same way I do. That's totally cool, it's not like everyone has to click with everyone. I thought we did click, but maybe that was just wishful thinking.

This email is probably ill-advised and I'll probably regret hitting "send now" the second I send it, but for the sake of not playing games and not being bitchy whenever we come in contact, this is how I feel. I'm not expecting a reply or anything from you, but I just wanted to put it out in the universe as to how I feel about the whole thing.

I hope you have a good week, and I hope you keep writing, because I want to read it.

- E

I felt better after I wrote that. I know, I'm a dork. I don't know when he'll get it because it seems like he goes days or like, weeks, in between getting online, but I'm sure he'll see it at some point in his life. I felt like I didn't have anything to lose my sending that because I've already given up on us anyway. So...what can you do?

In other news, I found Josh online, with a picture to see his various changes in the 6 or 7 years that I haven't seen him. He has an interesting distribution of hair (none on his head, all, it would seem, on his chin), a gigantic tattoo of something yet to be identified on his arm, and an evil looking dog that was sitting on his lap. When I first met him, he wore velcro shoes and looked like he was going to a rodeo. I'm glad to see he's grown up, but man, he looks hardcore. I'm not intimidated by that at all, and really, in fact, wish to hang out with him at some point soon. It would be interesting to see the dynamic that exists between us now that we're technically "adults."

So I sent him an offline message on one of the various instant messenger services, and we'll see, too, when he gets online. So now, basically, I'm waiting for all manner of boys just to get online to see what I have to say to them. I feel so special.

In non-boy news, I would like to declare that I love my job. Seriously. I do. I do think they're shafting the new girl pretty hardcore, and the lack of computers sometimes makes it hard to participate in overtime, and they don't seem to be very organized sometimes, but for the most part, my job rules. Where else can you walk into the boss's office and say, "How do we feel about "titties"? (We feel okay about titties, if you were wondering) I have a good rapport with everyone and I laugh and make everyone else laugh on a daily basis.

I've also been working on the Amazing Race, which I am now completely emotionally attached to. Love that show, love love love it.

Okay, that is pretty much all. I'm hungry.

*****

1
"Without even being able to answer the phone, I'm just kind of a cute little office ornament. Like, maybe a nice little plant. Great."

2
"and if there's one thing Matt responds to, it's some massive cleavage. And I know that, and I exploit that, because I am a girl and that's what we do sometimes."

3
"We had a lovely chat about how to raise children, among other things. It was just really nice. He knows me so well, which is really a relief sometimes and really annoying at other times."

4
"Angel boy came into my life at a time I really needed someone to tell me I was attractive."