alone vs. not, missing Brownie and loving Kelly Clarkson

June 04, 2007

So what am I doing on this Sunday night/early Monday morning after a strange weekend? Why, I'm reading up on brain tumors, of course. I am doing this because in the epic fanfic I'm writing, I had the brilliant idea to give Sara's mom a brain tumor. Now I have no idea where to go with that. All I know is I need her to live another month or two, I need her to be able to go on a roadtrip across the country (from Florida to California), and I need to sound like I at least have some idea of what the crap a brain tumor is. This all makes me feel very dumb. And I wish I could have maybe not even made her sick at all, but that would defeat the purpose. So, never mind.

Anyway, weird weekend. I spent yesterday being sad that I have no life. I spent today being happy that I had somewhat of a life.

Like...I left Josh's yesterday because he was pretty happily playing Command and Conquer with his friend. This pretty much excludes me from having any kind of interesting afternoon with my boyfriend, so I went home. My intention was to clean the shit out of my apartment (it needs it, badddd), but my neck started hurting hardcore, like in a very persistent kind of way. I did eventually go out and get ice cream from Cold Stone because, like, I saw a commercial for it or something and got all emotionally involved. It was good.

But around 11:00 last night I was really feeling shitty. Eventually my neck was hurting so bad I threw up, which hasn't happened in a very long, long time. I think what happened was that my body was actually telling me, "You've eaten nothing but shit for the past 4 or 5 days, if you don't stop now you will have this to look forward to." Sometimes my body likes to remind me that I'm not a bottomless pit of pizza and freebirds, I do have to stop eating those things from time to time. I appreciate it so much when it lets me know.

I was also feeling pretty down last night about the state of my social life. The area where the Cold Stone was located was a hip and happening place, lots of hip and young people going to Starbucks or the sushi place or the happenin' movie theater or what have you. And I was going to get ice cream after staying at home and watching Office Space for the jillionth time because whenever it's on TV I can't seem to pry my eyes away from this bit of greatness.

I have this issue of not knowing whether I'm a loner or not. Like, today was the opposite of yesterday. I went with my dad and plastic girlfriend to the horse races and did decently well. Then, later, I went to Dave and Busters for a little co-worker birthday party. We ate stuff, then we played games and it was really fun. I know I can't depend on coworkers to be my only social life, but I really had to get out there and do SOMETHING because I couldn't sit at home and watch CSI reruns on Spike because I've let another coworker borrow seasons 1-5 (I'm so proud of her, she's become completely addicted!), and my DVD player is on the fritz anyway.

I had fun today. Actual human interaction is good for me. But I always manage to convince myself that it's easier to stay at home yet again than to hang out with people. I like my alone time, a whole lot. But I can't do that all the time or I'll really start feeling sorry for myself. It's kind of a cycle, as most things in my life really tend to be.

In other news, Josh gave away the puppy that I have fallen in love with. I actually cried when he told me that. I mean, it would be impossible to keep him (Okay, Brownie) here at my apartment because it's small and I'm gone so much. Josh couldn't really keep him at his house because it's already at max capacity with the dogs. I will have a house in a few months, and I just wanted to figure something out until then, but Brownie has left our lives. He went to Josh's best friend's dad, so maybe we'll see him again eventually. It just kinda sucks, because Brownie was just getting teeth and nibbling on my toes and fingers and giving me big puppy breath kisses and going to sleep in my lap. *sigh* Yet another puppy I have managed to grow attached too.

I am going to work out tomorrow. It's going to happen because it just really needs to. Things aren't pretty right now but I have the faith that I can turn it around, at least a little bit. I haven't lost all hope yet, which is always a good thing.

Oh, and I'm hooked on the Wonder Years, I have about 18 episodes on my DVR right now. Wheee, Kevin and Winnie for life! I am also hooked on Kelly Clarkson's new song. I don't know what it is about her but her songs are so fucking catchy I can't stand it. I love them all! I want to eat them! ARGH!

Anyway.