Mormons and fat guys: Utah/Vegas 2007

July 07, 2007

Right now Howard the Duck is on Josh's TV. I am not watching it because it disturbs me. Instead, I will tell you about Utah/Vegas 2007! Whee! I would have pictures, but my newish camera was kind of destroyed in the Great Dr. Pepper incident of 2007. That is, when I was at the airport and was so intent on playing the Wheel of Fortune slot machines that I didn't notice the Dr. Pepper that spilled in my purse. I literally had to take everything out of my purse, turn it over and pour the Dr. Pepper out. It was not pretty. I can apparently drop the thing all I want, but get a little Dr. Pepper on it and it nearly explodes. My point is, there will be pictures. It may be a month from now when Josh's friend gets back in town and brings his laptop with the thingie you put the card into, but eventually there will be pictures.

Anyway, on another note, I noticed the layout I carefully changed was not able to be seen on Internet Explorer. So, I changed it. I rather like this layout, except on long entries like this one is bound to be, the green square thingie eventually runs out. But what can you do?

So, anyway, vacation. I left on Monday, and the day just started out weird because the driver of the super shuttle took me to the wrong airport. I'm not sure how that happened, but he took me to Love Field instead of DFW. Fortunately, there were no other passengers on the shuttle and DFW is merely 15-20 minutes from Love Field. But that could have been realllly bad.

Then when I got to the airport and had my Auntie Anne pretzel, I noticed a particularly large gentlemen sitting nearby. I thought to myself, "I know I'm going to be sitting next to that guy on the plane." Yes. Yes, I did sit next to that guy on the plane. And it was the most uncomfortable 2 hours of my life. I mean, I like fat people. I am often a fat person myself. But sitting next to this guy on a crowded plane really sucked a lot. And when the in flight entertainment started, I really wanted to watch but I couldn't put my armrest down because, well, the guy's stomach was in the way and I couldn't plug in the headphones. Oh, and Two and a Half Men was on, and we've been doing that at work for months now. It was odd.

Then we landed in Vegas. Let me tell you something about Vegas: It's the fucking desert, people. When you fly in, there's the Grand Canyon, there's miles and miles of mountains and sand, and BOOM! There's Vegas. It's kind of strange, actually. Oh, yeah...and HOT AS FUCK. But more on that later.

I didn't really have time to stick around in Vegas because I was driving to Utah. And after getting my baggage, taking a shuttle to the rental cars, finally getting an ugly Chevy Impala and making it the crap out of Vegas, I was finally on the road to Utah.

It's 4 hours to Richfield, Utah, and that is a loooonnng 4 hours of desert and not much else. I've never driven it by myself before and seriously...it's just long and sad and kind of depressing. I listened to my Something Blue book on CD to entertain myself on this crappy drive. Oh, and on the way there I saw a car with Texas license plates and an SMU bumper sticker. I just chalked that up to another weird happening in my going to Utah day.

But then I got to my mommy's house and I was happy. She was happy. My stepdad was happy. But I think Tonto the black lab was the happiest, 'cause he's a good boy. He really is not like any dog I've ever known before. He's part human, I swear. You just have to be there, I guess.

I spent 4 days, 3 nights in Utah, and it was quite lovely. My mom made my most favorist of meals when I got there, cream chicken with mashed potatoes and corn and green beans and rolls. Mmm, cream chicken. Anyway, I kinda turned myself into an 8 year old while my mom got to be all motherly again. I'm not really used to people telling me what to do anymore, and she was kind of ordering me around in a motherly way sometimes, and it was all just a little strange. But nice. I like being with my mommy. She's a good person.

Oh, and here's where I talk about the Mormons. Every year I go to Richfield on fourth of July and go to the parade, and every year I am completely fascinated by these people. Why? Because they are very blond and they have babies all the time. And they're all mostly skinny. And young. So basically you have a young blond woman holding a 2 year old and pushing a stroller with a baby in it. I see this every year, and it boggles my mind every year. It always reminds me of the Village of the Damned...

Okay, not totally like Village of the Damned, but...there's a resemblance there, okay?

My uncle and his wife also decided to visit at the same time, which is not quite what I had in mind for my vacation but it turned out okay. They're just a little odd. And his wife, who totally used to be in motorcycle gang by the way, is now pimping out Mary Kaye products. Yeah, that's fun.

I tried to de-CSI myself out there and I did...not great, but okay. I only watched half of one episode and wrote a couple of pages on a new fanfic I had an idea for. I looked at some of the message boards but not really, like, often. It was a good break.

I like Utah. I like the mountains and the people and the ideals and everything. I think it would be a nice place to move to someday. Probably not any time soon, but at some point in my life. I can dig it.

On Thursday I headed back to Vegas, although really, I did not want to. I wanted to stay with my mommy and her doggy forever. But I put on my big girl pants and did the 4 hour drive again. On the way, I saw this big giant cloud and was so fascinated, I even stopped to take a picture of it. It was just a big fluffy cloud in the middle of the blue sky, and it was awesome. You will see this picture eventually and understand.

So on the way there, I listened to talk radio. Dr. Laura, Rush Limbaugh, some dude filling in for Sean Hannity, you know, the awesomeness of talk radio. And I kept hearing on the news that there were record high temperatures in Las Vegas. I was all, "Whatevs, isn't it a dry heat or something?"

Y'all, I know hot. I've lived in Texas for 27 years and damnit if I don't know what "hot" means. But Las Vegas, that's a different kind of hot. Whoever thought of this "dry heat" thing must have never been to Vegas. It was 116 degrees, and that kind of temperature is just...pointless. Ridiculous. Not right. Unnatural. It makes a person miserable. It definitely made me rethink all the wonderful things I feel about that which is Las Vegas.

Anyway...I checked into my hotel (Candlewood Suites, because when I first made the arrangements Josh was coming with me and he didn't want to stay anywhere fancy), took a shower, gussied up and went to Mandalay Bay. I went there because I've been fascinated by it since the very first time I came to Vegas in 2000, and really only because Guns N Roses played at the House of Blues there while I was across the street at the Luxor, and I had no idea. NO IDEA!!!

And, needless to say, I still SUCK at gambling. I did okay at blackjack. I did okay at Pai Gow poker. I even did okay with the slots. But it always happens: I get cocky and/or desperate. I start losing in blackjack and then decide to put more chips than I usually would down. I lose that bet and decide to put ALL the chips down, and then I inevitably lose those, too. I'm just not good at this, I never have been. I don't know why I love it, it's not good for me. So I came to a decision: No more Vegas until I have a better job and I'm making money where I can actually afford to spend a little in Vegas and not come back totally broke. It just has to happen. I have to mature, if you will, before I let myself come back. And NEVER will I come back in the summer. It's just unnatural, y'all.

After I spent most of my money at the casino, I got in my rental car and then proceeded to get lost as fuck. I was lost in the neverending Rich People Subdivision. Seriously, this was like the subdivision that would never end. I just wanted to go home and watch A Few Good Men on my hotel TV! I did eventually get back, write a little fanfic, take 3 Tylenol PMs and go to bed by 1 AM, which is just not heard of in Vegas, but whatever. I then woke up on Friday and spent 3 hours at McCarren airport, buying CSI shirts (they have them at every single shop in the airport!) and playing Wheel of Fortune on the slot machines. It was lovely.

OMG, this is the longest ever. So: I missed Josh, I missed his puppies, I missed Whatburger, but I do not miss working, or Dallas in particular, or the stress of normal life, or really anything that happens. So back to reality, I guess. Except for Meridia. I will not be taking Meridia for a while. It's a miracle - I stopped taking it while I was gone and my head didn't hurt once. And when I got home I was actually wanting to have sexual intercourse with my boyfriend. And I didn't really feel like starving myself, either. Meridia is good for a while, but it has crappy side effects that get on my nerves.

Okay, seriously, that's totally all I have to say. Totally. Really. Okay. Good-bye.