Not bad for a first entry!

October 03, 2004

New diary, new start, yada yada yada. Basically everything I wanted to say is over here, so check that out. Meanwhile, I'm just going to dive right into this one. It's probably going to be the same as the last one, just so we all know.

So I saw First Daughter today. I know I wasn't supposed to, but I really liked it! I heard all these girls talking in the bathroom, saying stuff like "I would have liked it if I was like, 12 or something!" But I really liked it. Here's one reason:

Rawr. His name is Mark Blucas, and apparently he's been in lots of stuff, including Buffy the Vampire Slayer, but I haven't discovered him until now. DIZAMN! He is like.. smouldering hot. Like.. really extremely hot. Just so we all know.

I also really liked Katie Holmes. She is so extremely gorgeous! There's just something about her. And Michael Keaton did a good job, too. And I liked the ending.

I'm not really about to turn 25, am I? Isn't it more like.. 19 or something? That would feel right.

Man.. I really kinda hate weekends. There's always that thing of "finding something to do" that I really don't enjoy all that much. I've noticed that if I don't spend at least part of the day with another human, I start thinking about depressing issues that I should have let go a long time ago, and after a while I just kinda surrender to these issues and allow myself to be a little depressed. I do a good job during the week keeping the depression at bay, so allow me a few days of it, won't you?

I mean, I tried to have plans and they didn't work out, so it's not like I didn't at least try. But I did my usual "Single Girl on a Saturday with no money" activities, which includes the following in some capacity:

a. working out
b. seeing a movie
c. going to Barnes and Noble
d. Getting Freebirds and going home to eat it while...
e. watching SNL.

At some point I'm really going to have to stop kidding myself, take the burrito out of my mouth, and figure it out. I'm going to have to see that I need some friends, and for fuck's sake, I need a boyfriend!

Now more than ever I catch myself thinking about how nice it would be to have a really good boy in my life. I start thinking about those beginnings of relationships where you want to spend every waking moment together and nothing they do is annoying and you can't get enough of each other.. I want that. But I know there's just no way that's going to happen for me until I get it together. Job. Weight. Friends.

Preferably I would like Matt in this position, but.. whatever. I'm tired of waiting. If another boy comes along, I'll be all over it. But I won't believe that that can possibly happen until.. UNTIL. You know that until. I'm tired of the until, but I have a lot of "until" left in me right now.

You know how if you say a word enough it won't make sense anymore? "Until" is a funny word. Giggle.

Anyway. I'm just tired of boring weekends. I want a life. I want a boyfriend that will introduce me to his friends and then we can all go to Deep Ellum and stay up until 3 AM smoking cigarettes (I don't smoke, but my boyfriend is certainly allowed to) and talking about politics and music. I want that so entirely much that sometimes it just hurts because I don't have it. I know that kind of life can be overrated, but I just want to taste it. I didn't allow myself to have it in college like most humans, so.. I just want that chance.

Tomorrow I'm going to the state fair with my mom and stepdad, and next weekend is my birthday "party", so at least I have that planned. I'm so tired of dreading weekends. It's not fun, and it's really not natural.

In other news, I'm such a TV addict. I really loved me some SNL tonight.. mostly because I have some kind of strange fascination with Ben Affleck. And then I changed the channel and for some reason ABC was playing a rerun of CSI! And then the West Wing was on, and instead of The Two Cathedrals like it should have been, it was Isaac and Ishmael, their weird little tribute to 9/11. I wanted to see Martin Sheen curse God for killing off Mrs. Landingham! Damnit!

As we can all see, it's October 3rd at the moment. I will try not to go through the entire day thinking about how this would have been our 7 year anniversary. Really, I don't think I will. It's been almost 2 years since we broke up. Isn't that weird?

I just want a new start. But I can't do that until I create one, and sometimes I wonder if I have it in me.

I rented Super Size Me today, and I need to watch it more attentively this time. I need it to make me not eat McDonalds. I went there this morning, and let me tell you this: A 25 year old girl, 5'4, should not be able to eat as much as I did. Geez louise.

Currently playing on WinAmp: Fly to the Angels, by Slaughter.
Oooh, irony! My Michelle just came on! Don't you just love the fun specialness of it all?

I would do the whole what I was doing a year ago etc. thing, but it's Oct. 3rd so we all know what I was doing.

And I'm really not so engorged with happiness over my layout at the moment. It's LASVEGASLIZ! It needs to be more flashy and exciting! *coughhintcough*

Not bad for a first entry, right?