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Whatever: a manifesto

February 15, 2009

So here's something in stark contrast to the last entry: I think I was dumped tonight, and I think that's okay with me.

Sometimes Josh likes to think he's sneaky by reading this diary that I told him about 3 years ago anyway. Whatever.

I want to be trusted. I want to do what I want without having to check in every hour. I want to work out every day and I want to go to movies by myself and I want to spend time at my apartment that I pay for and I want to hang out with my friends until 4:00 in the morning.

More than that, I want a boyfriend who is okay with all these things and doesn't have all the time in the world to make up stories in his head about me cheating on him when I never have. I want a boyfriend who KNOWS I will not marry him or move in with him until he gets a job, and thus WILL DO SOMETHING ABOUT THAT. I want a boyfriend who doesn't think apologizing means making me fajitas. I want someone who won't do what he's apologizing for in the first place.

3 years ago I knew it was going to be hard to be in a relationship with him again. I knew I was fucking crazy for even thinking we could make it work. And we tried, and it was nice. I do love him. I love his dogs. I like a lot of things about our relationship. But there are tons of things I don't like about it, and I'm just over it.

I'd like to say that I'm going to stick to this, that if he calls me tomorrow and is all, "Ooh, I'm sorry, come back!" that I won't immediately say "Okay, cool." Because I always have before. Why prolong something that doesn't have much of a future? I don't know. I just do it because I'm not capable of doing it any other way.

If it is true, if this is happening, I'm going to do the following:
- Take a long weekend in Austin soon.
- Extend my summer trip with my mommy.
- Take MORE trips in general
- Work out every day
- Volunteer somewhere
- Slowly get back into church.

I don't want to hear "BUT YOU CAN DO THAT WHILE YOU'RE IN A RELATIONSHIP!" I know I can. It's just easier not to. I also don't want any advice or any pity. I just want to put this out in the universe because I just need to.

That is all.

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