In which I have brain vomit...
July 22, 2007
So, things to know: At work, we have a security thingie where you wave your little badge and you get through the thingie to the parking lot or whatever, right? And my apartment has a thingie, like a remote control, to open the gate, right? And I also have a tolltag to use when I am on the Tollway so as not to have to stop and pay the toll. So, the point is: in the last week, I have tried to open the thing at work with my toll tag. Later, I tried to get into the gates of my apartment with my work badge. I rolled down the window and everything.
I don't know. Things are weird. Even Josh is starting to notice more. The way he described it? I "seemed to have the hardest time doing the easiest things," or something. And basically, that is how I have felt, like, since the beginning of time. Maybe I have no common sense. Maybe there is something else seriously wrong with me that has yet to be diagnosed. Whatever it is, I think it's getting worse. It's a daily thing now. I just don't feel right doing normal daily activities. Almost everywhere I go, people give me that look, that "Something is wrong with that girl" look. And I'm so used to it now that I'm really starting not to care as much anymore.
But it IS annoying and someday I would very much like to get over it. And that's not really all, either. I do not feel like a grown up. I do not feel like someone anyone can really take seriously. I see people in the movies I caption, like (and this is going to sound so dumb but whatever, shut up) Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally. She was a mess but at least she knew how to be a mess. You know? Oh, whatever. I'm really not saying this at all in the way I'm thinking it, but it's happening. I do not feel like an adult, and I feel like that needs to happen sometime soon, and I have no idea how to make it happen. Is that what being in your twenties is about, or is it just me?
Another thing...I am not pregnant, just so we know. In all reality, it would probably take a lot for me to be pregnant, with my myriad of thyroid/ovarian issues. But still...my period took its time this month and I was seriously thinking that it might not come. Of course, the cramps that are overtaking my body and the crazy all out craving I have for some chocolate peanut butter ice cream tells me that I don't have to worry about it anymore. But if I were pregnant...I would be a really shitty mother. This is not the time in my life where that would be a good thing. And I'm just...really glad that I'm not.
But, I mean...there is good news, too. This whole "having a hard time with easy things" issue isn't affecting me in the slightest at work. At work, I am a superstar. Ever since I got back from vacation, I've been doing really, really well at work. I mean, in all honesty, it's not that hard of a job anyway. But I do it well, I do it fast, and I do a lot of it. This past week, I did 15 hours of overtime. That is a lot. And I'm doing so much more work then everyone else, and it's not like I think I'm going to get a promotion or something. I'm at the top, the only other position on top of me is supervisor and I don't desire to have that position, as they only get paid 5 percent more and don't get any overtime.
I do hate my hours, though. It's really bringing out the lazy in me. And it just sucks sometimes. The things I used to do after work, go to the gym, go grocery shopping, go to the mall...I can't do that at midnight. And so I go home and watch hours of TV and most of the time I wake up too late to go to the gym. I really am starting to hate it, but there's not much I can do. I can always find another job, but with my common sense problem and my lack of desire to do something other then my completely awesome easy job gets in the way of that goal. Someday it will have to happen, because I'm getting tired of having to do 30 hours of overtime in 2 weeks just to have a decent check. Mama needs a new pair of shoes, you know?
*takes a breath*
And I talked to my mommy a few minutes ago and she kinda gave me a good talking to. Like...we all have to pay our dues. It's not supposed to be easy in the beginning, and while the job is easy, the rest of it, like the hours and the politics and all the crap, that's not. But everyone pays their dues so that it will eventually be easier. And that made sense to me. And she also said that her mother told her once that people really don't change. The years may pass by, but nothing ever really changes. I mean, duh, but seriously...that's a little scary and doesn't give me a lot of hope for the future.
Also, I'm a good writer. I may not be perfect. I may not write The Novel that Oprah loves. But I am a good writer. That fanfic I've been writing for 2 months, that's really someting I've come to be really proud of, and I don't care if it sounds retarded. The characters aren't mine, the setting isn't mine, the background isn't really mine, but the words are mine, and I really, really think it's good. A talentless person can't write what I have written. And I'm proud of that.
So...at least there's that.
Other things are okay, I suppose. Josh and I are addicted to Guitar Hero 2. My band, Mud, has passed almost all the medium songs, and I'm completely scared of the hard level. I can barely master blue and now there's orange! Yeek!
And we're doing okay. I kinda wish to move things along at some point but it's okay as it is for now. I guess. I don't know.
This is from 2 years ago, when I was just months away from discovering Myspace and getting that fateful email from Josh after I hadn't talked to him in nearly 5 years. I just love the irony and wish to share it:
I'm noticing a theme in my archives...it seems almost every year at this time, I have some kind of Josh resurgence. Last year it was a closure dream, 2 years before that it was something else, 4 years ago it was something else. And this year, just completely randomly, I have some kind of obsession with finding him and talking to him again. What is that? We didn't even make it to this point in the summer...by this time, we had been broken up for almost a month. And hey, guess what? That was 8 FUCKING YEARS AGO! So what the hell is that all about? So weird.
I went to the farm yesterday and as always was mystified by that which is Charlie. He came to sleep with me at 3 AM, and he hasn't done that in a long time and it just made me kind of retardedly happy. He's my little boy and I just love that damn dog to pieces. My dad took him home with him for the week and the suck thing is that I can't really visit him. He'll be at doggy day care during the day and I'll be at work at night. Boo! Boo hoo!
And now for the pop culture round up: Remember when I said I was maybe not going to watch TV this summer? And maybe I'd watch all my Six Feet Under DVDs? And I'd watch all of the Wonder Years reruns they air all the frackin' time?
Yeah, no. I just finished watching like 4 episodes in a row of Sex and the City. I gave it up for about a year, but it was on once and I watched it and remembered how completely in love with this show that I am, so I have given in. I just watched Carrie and Big break up before he goes to Paris, where he eventually meets Natasha. *sigh* Well, at least they end up together. I really do love me some of that show.
Also, my DVD player has apparently decided that it no longer wishes to play DVDs. That is unfortunate. My Six Feet Under DVDs are still sitting there with all the rest of them. I have never watched a single one. It's a little sad.
I am slightly obsessed with the song "Paralyzed" by Finger Eleven. I really like it. A lot.
I am kind of falling in love with Kathy Griffin. I just am. There's nothing I can really do about it at this point.
And can I say how satisfying it is that after 2.5 years at my job, I can almost always turn on the TV and see something that I captioned. Seriously. Right now The Negotiator is on, which took me so fucking long to caption I really just wanted it to die. But it's just really nice to see my hard work on at, like, all times.
Um...wow, that was long. I think I am done. Okay then.
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